I felt the call to revisit hyperspace today - it's been a while. I've bought a house, and I'm about to have a baby. So I guess life is somehow serious at the moment.

My intention was to check-in & reset something.

Once I knew I was going to trip, I started feeling that fear again. 'You're about to obliterate the egos personal concepts.' I say to myself, 'It's no wonder you feel fear. Just breathe and observe.'

I noticed myself doing odd things suddenly, like picking specks of dust from the carpet. I set some intentions. 'I want to remember the profound joy of existence.' 'I want to say hello to existence.'

I weighed 30mg and loaded my vapour genie.

On the come up, I remembered the archetypical stages. Most of my journeys have followed the same structural pattern, even if the content varies wildly:

First, a tryptamine folding of space, and a calming. This time was flowers and pink pixels. Then the rush of the breakthrough and finding myself in impossible landscapes somehow familiar yet beyond imagination. Usually, this is accompanied by a connection to Gleeful entities and the physical sense of vibrational portals - archetypical visual information. Then, a step down into different spaces gradually fade back into the 'real' world.

On this trip, I was reminded that me - the thing I call me - a separate observing entity made up of a collection of stories, isn't separate at all. The act of knowing something isn't at all different between you and me. And knowing is the most fundamental thing.

Yet here I am, with my stories and desires, seemingly separate from you.

Personal stories and desires do not seem to matter objectively whilst tripping.

In the past, I have fallen into nihilism. If these stories and desires don't matter, then what does matter? Does Existence not care about 'me' at all?!

When I go into the DMT realm with personal problems, they are usually totally obliterated. The weight of all humanity living out our lives seems to be a speck of dust on the winds of time. This feels like an unbelievably profound discovery.

Surely I can't still be experiencing my life in a way that makes unimportant things seem like they matter?

I think the western idea that consciousness is an accident and the result of a random arrangement of matter in time is still deeply rooted in me somehow, even though I saw through that facade a long time ago.

Who the fuck knows anything?

It's all quite beautiful regardless of the words I use to describe things. I can be sure that I exist, life is beautiful, and love matters.

So why do I fear things?

This is a diary entry for myself. I don't often trip or post. But I'd love to hear if anything resonated with you.

Much love :-)

First congratulations on the home and family.

Second, you may enjoy this thread based on some of the things you've stated in this post.



I find the anxiety that DMT produces can have an oddly neurotic flavor to it. I also obsess about weird and random things that will likely be inconsequential once in the experience, but in the moment appear and feel pressing in some way.



In the post shared above I talk about the idea of oneness being a paradox which immediately extends into the separate vs no separate dichotomy. We're both divergent and connected in fundamental manners.

Objectively, the vast majority of our experience is subjective



I've been thinking about this a lot lately with my own philosophic studies and work. I'm at a point where I have to admit a certain importance inherent to my readily acknowledged limited subjectivity. What we find/create meaning in is what matters, but may not matter really in the grand scheme.



I once heard an analogy that if the universe were a clock, the time in which humanity has existed constitutes less than a second on that clock.

Thank you for sharing with us.

One love

Thanks for sharing @Voidmatrix.



Yes! Thinking this way is very helpful. Thank you.

The fact I experience things subjectively (& rarely objectively) means I have to admit a certain lack of data - I'm only ever aware of what I am aware of.

If I may put what you said into my own words? & Please feel free to tell me what you think...

Our experience (& hence our personal story - our wants, desires and fears) are a quantum 'thing' (to use an overused phrase - so please bear with me).

Experience is 1, 0 or 1&0. Let me explain...

I'm only aware of my own consciousness - and that is not a trivial thing. It is, in fact, a profound mystery in which all of 'me' arises, all my experiences and stories in space & time.

There are (perhaps) infinite subjects experiencing their selves. Under deep meditative/psychedelic states, the separateness of these subjects is recognised as an illusion. This realisation is so shocking and counterintuitive that it seems the personal story doesn't 'matter' (hence nihilism).

But it is a mistake to feel nihilism. All evidence tells me that my existence is indeed significant (this is the 1 in my analogy)

At the same time, it is possible to admit that my story - my wants, desires and fears - can be insignificant when looked at objectively from a timeless/infinite scale (this is the 0 in my analogy)

And the 1&0 must be a synthesis of these two realities co-existing; personal story existing in time, which is always happening inside the grand whole.



Isn't something like beauty and love the real fundamental stuff of being? If so, then why suffer/desire/want so much?

The realisation that fears don't matter on a cosmic scale can help check my ego.

Perhaps the fear will let go, maybe it won't, but love is better than hate. Joy is better than fear, and experience contains all of these things (1,0, 1&0)

I'd add "neither 1 or 0" as well.



In this context, what do you mean by "objectively?"



So I have an ongoing inquiry regarding this and related ideas.

Does such a realization actually delimit or eliminate previously held perspective, ie does the realization force the "illusion" outside of reality? And considering the faculties necessary for such a realization what does that potentially say about the realization itself?

Does an illusion not have a "reality" within the greater framework it occurs in?

Seeing as many of these ideas have roots in Eastern philosophies, I wonder how much is lost in translation and how much is misinterpreted, and potentially, oversimplified.

Does realizing an inherent and neglected connection eliminate all perceptions regarding distinction?

I also don't necessarily feel that a connection in a dichotomy necessarily means that each part of the dichotomy is the same.

Is the categorization of two elements within a duality not oneness? Thus making oneness a paradoxical state?



Despite the cirularity, I'd say being is the fundemental stuff of being and existence.

For the second question, there are many answers in different frameworks. Biologically, it can be reduced to functions necessary for survival and proliferation of the genetic profile. Esoterically, they are seen as facets of self and consciousness, seen as facets of the illusion derived from our biological perceptive limits.




One love