Hey everyone : )
Long time no see!
It's been a while since I "worked" with DMT. At least a couple of months. What a crazy year it's been, man! And lately, work was a bit overwhelming.
Anyway, I had planned to drop some lucy this afternoon. But ultimately, I realized that I was very tired, a little too tired for a 10 hour long trip. Even at a low 100ug. I was a bit disappointed but I didn't wanna force anything. We all know it's the worst thing to do.
But I figured: hey, too tired for a 10 hours ride don't mean you're too tired for a quick trip into the hyperspace!
I think I underestimated the level of tiredness and my subconcious stress. I loaded 90mg of changa in my bonga.
I was really focused on getting everything at once and for so dumb reason, I started to be overly concerned by the fact that I wasn't succeeding! And my toke was soooo long (since I wanted to get everything) that 1) I couldn't hold my breath, so I exhaled a bit too quickly and 2) I ended up out of breath. And so: heart racing, and very unpleasant breathing led to a scare. I think it was the dullest breakthrough I have ever experienced color-wise. But it was much calmer than usual also. Less movement. And more importantly, I could "hear" them saying "everything is gonna be alright, you're alright", and it calmed me down... I reopened my eyes pretty quickly and was then overwhelmed by a superb body high. Almost orgasmic.
So... I was reinvigorated! I decided to load 25mg of FB. I took it all in one toke and managed to keep it inside long enough. I pulled my eye mask down. Felt something like "oh, but you've been here a minute ago, friend" as I was sucked in the vortex. But here, a burp, a feeling of being nauseous! PANICK! I'm gonna puke! What? No! Nobody pukes vaping FB DMT! I don't know what's going on! I stand up, pull my mask up, feel very dizzy, see shapes on the ground, decided that I was okay, sat on the floor, still scared at the idea of puking/choking on my own vomit; thinking "you should always have a bowl next to you in case", got into recovery position on my meditation mat and immediately entered the "super high definition corridor-moving palace made of language" that we all enjoy!
And once again: I could feel them reassuring me, telling me everything was gonna be alright, that I wasn't in any danger, and I think I kept thanking them for being so nice to me, for taking care of me so well. It was very very sweet. A very sweet moment, yes.
It's funny, when I used to sub-BT every time, I had a tendency to moan at each breath. I think it might have been a ruse of my ego to not let go. This time, I heard myself moan and was like "who's moaning?". Totally forgot who I was.
Also, other thing: generally, when I come down after a breakthrough I go through these phases:
1 - speechless – woaw! what was that?
2 – intense gratefulness
3 – this is the truth, I should dedicate my life to that experience
4 - yeap... but I'm gonna need a break, this was too intense to be repeated shortly
5 - questioning, trying to grasp on my memories
6 - a bit of frustration appears: I feel like I didn't "take away" anything I can properly identify.
7 - wonder how it compares to others' experiences.
(I guess you can see the ego building itself back up in that pattern!)
Yet, this time, I came back down gently, wasn't too "impressed" (ahaha) and was mostly wrapped (still am to be honest) in the entities' kindness. Wrapped in that "everything is gonna be alright" feeling. In that "I'm being taking care of" feeling.
I think it says a lot about fear. We bring it in the experience. The fear is our own. At least that was true of my experience. I was scared but the hyperspace itself was reassuring.
Real nice, thought I should share!
"How Small A Thought It Takes To Fill A Whole Life"
Wittgenstein