Second Session: Sunday, March 10 2020
The SessionYeah, a bit early lol, especially since I was still a tiny bit shaken from the first experience. But the sundays are my 'free' days, where I can rest, spend time in nature, meditate and so, it's the time to do something like this.
I decided to do some experimenting with the breathing technique, moving away somewhat from the 3-step breathing and towards a 2 step-breathing. Still circular though, meaning there are (almost) no pauses between inhale and exhale.
I ran the 8k again beforehand. I have the impression that this helps smooth out the sessions a bit, since endurance training does release some tension. It might take away some intensity, but that's a good thing for where I am standing right now.
As companion, I chose the CD that is probably one of my dearest pieces of music ever: Shpongle's Tales of the Inexpressible. Not only does it have the right mix between stimulating and relaxing elements, I had some of the greatest experiences of my life on psychedelics, listening to that CD. I decided to go in with relatively little structure, trying to do at least 40 minutes again, maximum 60 minutes, depending on intensity.
The trajectory was rather typical: Buzzing, electrical feeling in the body and a sense or reality becoming translucent, signalling the beginning of the trance state. After 20ish minutes, I was full in. Time is weird in this state - I know most of the tracks are 8-9 minutes, so this gave me some structures. Some of them seemed to last for hours though, others went by in not time at all.
There was a lot of bliss, joy and relaxation, as well as the strong urge to "dance" towards the music. Did this lying down, since one gets quite lightheaded and jumping around in the room is definitely not a good idea. I revisited several old memories, which seemed much more tangible than when I usually think about these things. A bit like in a movie when protagonists are taken back. A sense of openness and "airyness" of consciousness - thoughts were much more fleeting, less solid.
This time, I experienced a close connection between intensity of breathing and intensity of the experience. When I breathed deeper and "harder", the buzzing sensations intensified pretty quickly, and reality started to fade. Probably this is more a psychological connection, since the other effects seem to have quite a time delay.
Most of the session was quite pleasant - maybe not always pleasant in the classic sense, some rougher spots were there, but they had a pretty cathartic feeling: w few times I experienced waves of distress and fear coming up, especially when I used very intense breathing. But when I eased up again, this subsided relatively quickly.
Anyhow, those were the rough spots. Most of the session was quite pleasant, but after about 50 minutes, I had an stronger sensation of fear and even nausea. The fear was disorienting, but this is something I have experienced during longer meditation sessions and sometimes during everyday life, so it's not really surprising that it would come up. It didn't feel overwhelming, but I decided to return to normal breathing at this point, and it quickly faded again.
Anyhow, I assume that part of it is regular stress, but something serious might be waiting to be uncovered - which I am in no rush to do, especially without a sitter. But in the end, there will be a point where there is the question of keeping the intensity up and really confronting this.
But that's for another time, when a sitter is present. For now, I want to gain experience and find my rhythm.
The AftermathThis time, I felt less high afterwards, even though, first opening my eyes was a bit crazy... we all know that one, right?
I returned to a normal state within 30 minutes. Have to say that my experience with meditation and psychedelics is really very helpful here. The meditation technique gives me a structure that's always available - I had a sense of the breath go haywire, and since I spend many hours breathing calmly, I could easily switch over to that.
My experience with psychedelics helped me stay grounded during confusing experiences. I wouldn't recommend someone without at least one of these states of pre-knowledge to go at it alone - it's easy to get startled and disoriented. Had I pursued with truly intense breathing, I believe, massive amounts of emotions would have come up. At least this is what it felt like - and one sees pretty intense stuff from videos from full-blown 3h Grof sessions.
And you definitely want someone close to you when this happens, in order to really, fully let go. Its like when one takes a high dose of psychedelics: yeah, most people are fine on their own, but if no one is there, one still wants to try and make sure things are allright. If one has a sitter, one can completely let go, knowing they will take care of any eventualities.
But like most people can take care of themselves when the doses are not too high, I assume it is similar with breathwork when one doesn't go too deep too fast.
And I have to say I am surprised of the intensity of the emotions coming up. I would not be surprised for dissociation to happen in this state. The good news is that so far, it was extremely controllable - with smooth, relaxed breathing, the intensity of the experience was reduced quickly. But I assume that, beyond a certain threshold, something might come out of the box that won't go back in and then, one might have to ride it out and really integrate it. That's why I do this, in the end. I see that this intent of controlling the experience is not unproblematic - my intention with psychedelics was always to go in and trust the process.
Dreams were very intense again this night - I revisited many memories I had not had in a long time. Very vivid, with strong emotions, both painful and cathartic sensations. Again, this was very similar to the aftermath of full trips of LSD or mushrooms. I really do have the impression that this is kicking of some deep processes, and friends of this method of course highlight the healing properties enabled by the trance state. Unfortunately, there seems to be very little research on the matter as of now, but the papers that exist cast a positive light.
Anyways, it seems to be really fine now, when the dosing is right: increased clarity, both for positive and negative emotions. Some feelings of cognitive relativism and groundlessness, but also a vast, energetic, warm energetic space within which everything seems to be fundamentally alright. I have the impression that this goes pretty well with my meditation practice - my sessions (I sit 60-90 minutes per day) seem to me more vivid, and a certain amount of routine is removed.
Will see how this goes on - if there's no red flags, the next session will be in a week.