Today I want to share with you some parts of my story. It includes personal aspects of my life, which led to a specific trip experience with Ayahuasca, that had rather transformative effects. Thus the report is followed by the results, leading to this very moment.
The text is divided into 3 parts: An introduction covering the circumstances that led to the trip, the brew & trip preparation including the events prior which defined in the trip, and the trip itself with it's consequences in the time of integration.
This is what happened:
Introduction:
It was 6 years ago (minus a month) on the day , when i embarked to cook my first brew and dosing Ayahausca. Shortly before, i stumbled over ms_manic_minxx's thread 'All about Aya <3', which resonated deeply with me since then.
In the time prior, i was in a shaky personal situation: I had invested heavily into a relation, which seemed to be the answer to my unfulfilled wishes and needs, covering what i've been waiting for and been ashamed of for so long. It led me to disregarding my personal worths and agreements towards myself, derived from prior difficult life experiences.
My already tumbling academic career was let down, and so the people supporting me with it, as well as their expectations towards me.
At that point, cooking Ayahuasca and embarking into a 6-week head-to-head journey of consecutive therapeutic sessions each week seemed to be the only way of helping and balancing myself while fighting the oppositional forces inside.
The brewing:
It was summer 2017, when we were cooking several brews of Ayahuasca which all led to beautiful, mesmerizing experiences. I was in a good, and happy place.
The particular brew im writing about was consisting of a range of ingredients, particulary red caapi (45%), an old, mature yellow caapi (20%) and a strong tigre vine (25%), as well as a bit of clavohuasca and a kind of blackish variety of Ajos Sacha as far as i can recall the last. The admixture was mainly mimosa, plus a solid amount of chacruna leaves, and a little chaliponga for good measure. (This came through using the remainings of the stashes from the close ones, to provide doses for all)
The brew was cooked in 3 individual, long sessions over 3 days by my friends and me: The Yoga teacher, my japanese ikaro singing friend and me cooked all seperately, and when i finished the brew and decanted it into 6 glass containers, divided in doses from 60g caapi / 5g mimosa to 80g caapi and 15g mimosa, leaving the additional admixture out of the calculation.
Prior to the trip:
All glass containers actually kept sitting in the fridge for the whole month after brewing. I wasn't aware of how much effort it would cost me, picking up university one more time at that point, further that besaid girl was announcing her first visit from overseas after spending 4 years in seperation. Having her reject me quite blank and stiff, after confessing my love and secret wishes over all that years, i was impacted pretty heavily, and obviously fell through that exam, that was my last chance to undertake my master thesis.
The meet-up with the family that night was rather deflating, confessing that i messed up university for good and finally. Following that, i was breaking my head all weekend long, why and if i want to stay in this career of university, especially after being offered another semi-irregular repetition of the exam a couple of days later. My thought process was triggered by an event: The day after i reported my family 'the loss', i watched myself in the mirror and looked actually like i have been coming out of holidays. I was shining, tanned, reliefed. I couldn't believe what i was seeing - didn't a just loose a decade-long career, so close to the end? When i received the email of the possibility of repetition that day, just an hour later my face turned again to dark-eyed, pale looking thin me. I was shocked. I didn't expect that to be such a heavy weight on me, for all that years. After turning my mind in circles to just finally reject it or not, I attended the exam and passed in the second try.
The night driving home after the exam, i was strangely blocked in traffic and unusually denied my way to the super market. Turning around, driving towards a friend as a spontanious decision, my way didn't get cleared, neither, and their was another road sign not enabling me to pass. In both ways the road was literally closed, which just doesn't happen here - and i knew instantly, that this is just a weird synchronistic happening. Showing me a way, that i should go home. And out of instinct i knew in that moment, it's time for Ayahuasca. I hadn't been dieting, but neither really eating since hours, and despite the lack of sleep and the stress during the week and weekend, it was all out of question - the call was made, and was crystal clear of what to do.
The Trip:
I chose to drink a medium+ sized portion of the glasses stashed, containing around 69g caapi and 10g of Mimosa + the Chacruna which was of unknown strenght. My mind wasn't in a very relaxed spot, but at least the morning provided some answers to the questions that hold me tight during the weekend. The questions and answers should get way deeper, though..
When i opened my trip journal to write my intentions, 2 questions came clearly to my head:
- Do i really want this relation with my girlfriend? Why i have been hanging in there so long emotionally, despite being seperated for so many years now?
- Why i keep pursuing this path of university? Despite being very active and happy with the success and path of my personal development as an artist?
I started the journey as regular, opening up a holy circle smudging Palo Santo, for protection, cleansing and attracting good vibes (Thanks, miss_minxx! Your words have been traveling with me!) and giving space for my intentions.
I started with an administration of Sananga, to 'peel off the outer layers of the onion' and to let the further medicine access me deeper. Followed by a blow of Rapé, intentioned to clear me up, support me and protect me, settling my thoughts and grounding me into the here & now.
Drinking the Aya followed as usual, in a equal ritual as administering the medicines prior. Each step of medicine was accompanied by another smudging and a little white sage for a step by step preparation and entrance.
When the Aya started to work, i first came into a sleepy trance, lying down and feeling my mind 'mumbling', all about thoughts towards my old relation, processing all kind of pictures and emotions, which was rather unsettling.
At the point it got darker and darker, sitting up straight and giving myself a good blow of Rapé in said ritual procedure was a great help for grounding. A voice suggested to 'Let go, trust the process..', which was very leading and helping. I remember surfacing a couple of times, realizing that this would be a recipe for horror for more unexperienced users, before slipping back into the cloud of darkness and surrendering to it in a lying position, receiving what was happening and what i summoned.
As i know it from other Ayahuasca experiences, the thought processes started to go hand in hand with the bowel movements. Each more confronting thought, and deep reaching emotions connected with painful memories from the past started hitting me and body in stronger, moving and upcoming waves.
The point it all collapsed, it felt as the thoughts, pain and reflections gathered together a ball of collected self-harm, which i projected towards the bucket and vomited stronger and more violent then i ever remember any purge in a prior sessions.
A peak moment followed: Shortly after the purge, huge, massive, dark and black, but same time incredibly detailed ornaments, as of late Rennaissance or Baroque mural paintings, starting weaving as a cathedral was forming in front of me. The ornaments waving in powerful, but gentle motion towards the center, where it appeared: A black, shining, uneven shaped and floating polished gemstone. Consisting of power, darkness and ferocity.. It was solid, heavy and massy... I knew , that this was the gemstone of my soul. The crystal that contained all the darkest aspects of me, the shadows, abysses and blackest corners of myself.
Suddenly, it struck like a lightning: A snake appeared, and bit while being hypnotized by the vision of weaving patterns and the black ornaments, mesmerized by the shining crystal formation. The huge snakehead appeared out of nothing, attacking fast in a spiraling motion towards me - relentless, aggressive, and with her wide opening mouth and teeth ripping apart the scenery, as she circled out of the center face to face as if she would swallow me. I was left in awe and nothingness.
Getting myself together, fading out of this confronting view, to attempt cleaning me in the bathroom, there HE was:
Myself, in the mirror. But not seen through my own eyes, i was suddenly dissociated so strongly that i was actively observing myself through the eyes of another person.
What i was seeing was a hurt kid, a boy full of pain and scar from old trauma, long past events, hidden deep beneath the layers of his cherished soul.
And then he started to cry. He cried so deeply, so long, longing for forgiveness, release. A moment like an eternity, setting off a river of tears that smoothed away the edges within.
This was that moment, when the hand was reaching me from the dissociated physical body in front of the mirror towards my own reflectional body inside the mirror, touching me caressing, telling me in a smooth and unheard voice:
It is okay to be hurt. It is okay, to be hurt!
I was observing myself, still totally dissociated, slowly getting calmer and more relaxed inside of the mirror, when the voice of the through the physical body kept saying through my mind:
Do you know, why you are so afraid to just quit your university? Because you are afraid of being judged, you are afraid of not being loved, by others.
And do you know why you are afraid to leave your old relation? Because you are afraid of judging yourself, for not straightening out what was so important for you.. You are afraid of not loving yourself for what you have done.
...This is all just a matter of lacking self-love!"
It was as if Ayahuasca was speaking through the physical vessel towards my embodyment in the mirror.
Lacking self-love? I was surprised when i got myself back together. I'm a well appreciated member of the local community of artists, being cheered for both my work and character. What was revealed to me was way beyond of what i built up in prior years to this experience.
I ended the ritual soon, coming down smoothly, with a last Rapé blow, maybe the forth of that night, realeasing everything through breath work and giving myself some sense of grounding.
Self-love.. That was something, i had to let settle in. Interestingly, the upcoming weeks afterwards, i was identifying more and more my own behaviour in certain situations, where i could connect the dots and understand the root of patterns of my behaviour leading back to this discovery. The more i was observing, the more i became aware.
The process towards self-love got pretty active, when a bottle of Iboga TA extract hit my mailbox.
The mantra was set, and the intention was clear. For the upcoming months, i was dosing a daily drop of it, repeating 3 times waching my eyes in the morning: I love myself! I love myself! I love myself!
I explained myself several times what was the background clinging to an old relation, staying in that outdated career: All attempts of searching love, trying to love, out of a state of consciousness that is now gone. Something, i could live with. Though i wouldn't repeat!
That bottle of TA extract finished exactly 4 days ago, the day of finally completing my academic career in humanities. I was positively surprised, the bottle ended exactly that day over the course of 4-5 months, but it was just another perfectly set up time-frame that happened unplanned. The days before, i stumbled over Pandoras trip report, "Growing Up - A profound Iboga Root Bark experience". The report made me hallucinate while reading, and since a new moon was set up for the weekend, the Iboga TA microdosing finished up perfectly, my course was set. 10g of Root Bark were sitting on my altar the months prior.
Writing the very beginning of this trip report, i swallowed the first capsule of Iboga Root Bark. Finishing this article, it's 48 hours later and i'm through 36 capsules of the bark. A massive shift was happening, accompanied by the perfect timing, for a wonderful and transformative ritual - but this is another story for another trip report. All i can say is, that now i "Grew Up":
Reflecting a path that i was commiting to for certain motives, but having the guts to bring it to an end. Realizing myself through Ayahuasca. A self-discovery, that made the way towards self-love through acceptance and healing. Choosing wisely, for what is about to come. This is my path: The path of the heart.
Thank you.