OK folks, another trip report.

25mg ish Harmalas FB extract from rue sublingual 30 minutes prior to...
30mg ish DMT FB Vaped GVG from ceramic liquid pad

This trip roughly followed the same theme as the last few, but seemed to progress a little further yet. Progressing to what is still undetermined.

After vaping the the FB and starting to feel it come on I laid down on my couch and pulled my blanket upper myself. Again I entered the area I will now refer to as the "playground". The same sort of machine elves as I have seen the last few times where there performing their usual craziness, rapid movements and transformations impossible to describe. As usual it took me a little bit to gain my bearings and remember that I was there for more than the "show".

Slowly and with seemingly much difficulty I started to form a thought in my mind. A question actually, or maybe not a question but the idea of question. I came there to see something, what was I trying to see? All I could do was attempt to focus on something, anything at first. The machine elves movements were quite distracting and disorientating, a began to try to focus on one of them. I tried to follow the movement, of one piece of one of them. As I focused on one specific part, I watched it transform as pieces of it moved, came into existence and disappeared, in a seemingly random succession to me.

I tried to focus harder. To make sense of the movements, to understand them, look past them and see what was behind them. As I began to sharpen my focus, I started to see past the the self transforming thing and began to have an overwhelming feeling. The harder I tried to see what it was I was trying to see, the more feeling of fear crept over me. At firstI felt as if I couldn't handle it, that I couldn't bring myself to look at it directly. Then a fear that I shouldn't look at it. The idea came into my mind that looking at it may have catastrophic consequences. That what I was trying to see may drive me mad, or destroy the universe. Very similar to the feeling I had on my last trip when I tried to look at the little white tablet the machine elves where showing me. Except tis time I felt close to what it really was. I felt like I started to glimpse it.

I turned away from it, and I started to come back. Again I saw rainbow diamond patterns on sake type thing wrapping all around me. the diamond patterns were outlined by electrical looking lines of small text/symbols. Ive seen this type of thing a few times on my way back from these trips.

When I first got back I started talking to my girlfriend, telling her I couldn't handle looking at what ever it was that I went there to see. I used the term that it felt like I was "questioning God" by trying to see what ever it was, to try to convey the heaviness. Like trying to stare into the eyes of death, or tying to see great secret of the universe.

After contemplation I remembered that I was there in search of something inside myself. Something that I feel is holding me back. Something inside myself I am scared to face. A trauma, or what have you that I need to resolve in order to move to the next stage of my life. I now believe that I need to look at it. I need to face it, and perhaps the ideas that I come up with that I shouldn't are just excuses that I make up in order to prevent me from facing it.

After the trip I am encouraged by the fact that I seem to be coming closer to this resolve, yet I am disappointed that I still have not been able to muster the courage to complete the mission. I am trying not to be too hard on myself as I know this is something that may take time, considering it is a major work to face something inside oneself of this magnitude. At the same time I know that it is me that is holding me back, so feel pressure. I don't want to rush it, and I want to take my time and achieve this in the most beneficial way possible, at the same time I don't want to put this off for ever with excuses. It is work, and it does require me to do things that will not be easy for me.

I am considering brewing my own ayahuasca in order to give me a better chance of getting the work I need to get done. Perhaps the slower onset and more time to work will be what I need to face what it is I must.

Thanks for reading this, I'm sure I have said this before but typing this out here really helps me in a lot of ways which I am sure many of you can understand.