It's difficult knowing which details to record. I'm getting better with setting an intention but I'm still learning what i'm trying to bring back. I feel that I am getting better at listening and integrating my journeys, but please be patient with my verboseness. I tried very hard not to ramble despite the length of this report. Please, give me any criticism you have, I appreciate any suggestions about the way I try to write my trip reports. I want to give send and receive the most useful information I can here.

I've been working six days a week, and today was my day off. It was also my sixth time drinking syrian rue. I've eaten dmt alongside it twice before this time and had to take a good while to integrate those experiences and decide how to proceed. Harmalas are definitely powerful medicine, and I've combined with cacao and tobacco snuff* most of the times i've taken them.

Now I'm considering myself pretty new to this, but my takeaway is that, for me 'vaporhuasca' experience is extremely intense but felt much more comfortable to ease into and out of than changa. After the enjoyably meditative ritual of making and drinking the rue brew, then trying to grind & temper a little batch of chocolate outta nibs and butter while i was coming up was quite enjoyable. I left the sink full of dirty dishes and cast off in my rickety little boat. I was so very fortunate to have access to a hot tub for this journey and soon I was starting to hear the rue speaking pretty clearly, telling me to get into the tub. Harmalas are totally unlike anything else I've ever ingested in that they really engage me in a dialogue and seem like a bridge for some kind of intelligence (or layer of my own brain's consciousness) that I couldn't possibly pick up on otherwise. I suppose thats sort of true for all psychedelics but what i thought I could assume about my identity, and the nature of consciousness have become meaningless since proceeding with rue (and in a way that's very comforting, like being wrapped in a big cushy blanket of mystery).
Anyway, I listen to a bit of music° as I'm hanging out in the kitchen and pretty soon it feels like time to change gears.
So I load up the hash pen with 20-30mg*** and start soaking in the tub. After an eternity or however many minutes, I'm ready and I manage to raise the pen to my mouth and start inhaling without spooking myself. In addition to being much more effective for me, this technology is much less intimidating to engage than a bong or pipe full of enhanced leaf. I take what must've been about half the load. This isn't my first time doing it in a tub and I was very very careful in my decision to smoke here. I'm not looking to endanger myself. Oh hello trees, goodbye trees, hello rings and golden arches. Hello faces. This one is really…. i don't want to say stereotypical but lets say archetypal. I was listening to a podcast with Alex Grey a few days ago and that definitely seeded some of what I saw. I decided to open my mouth and before i knew it something musical was happening. I hummed and singed myself bubbly and watched the geometric dance subsides. It felt beautiful. I was listening to some icaros a few days ago online so those were already floating around my subconscious too. It came very easily and naturally. I sang for a while and when I was done the voice of the trip was still very clear. Right as I stopped I think/hear "The name of that song was 'Dont waste water when you wash the dishes.'" Whatever's going on here has a strange sense of humor that I really dig. That observation/title made me laugh really hard. I finished what i had loaded in my hash pen and the visions didn't really pick up again, just an extension of the closing act. So nice. I said my thank yous sincerely.

So after my little song I go back inside. The spice is definitely bringing me nausea and a couple bites of my now nearly solidified chocolate + hemp seeds (no sweetening in this batch) is definitely churning it up. I didn't end up purging my gut but I often feel some kind of energetic purging when i ingest DMT. The feeling is typically that of something moving around inside of my body then dissipating, often shooting out of my fingertips or nose or mouth. Sometimes urination. This time it was just spitting and blowing my nose, and picking a bit of schmootz of my face that was probably acne or something.

Writing this part of the trip is difficult mainly in choosing how much to include. A lot of productive thoughts about things I can do with my time came to me at this time. for now, but I'm trying to be brief I had been really conflicted with the direction my life was going, and the effect that psychedelics were having on me. I was questioning a lot, and I've been taking more time between journeys, more time to slow down and take it all in, to process my perceptions. I'm really happy that I'm starting to learn how to sit still, It's been doing me some real good. I'm finding more and more opportunities to seed compassion and positivity. To listen to people. To observe without acting. I'm finding patience and self forgiveness. I gave voice to a lot of gratitude today. I'm grateful to this forum for all the instances these virtues are exemplified here. I this place is one where we're all helping each other immensely simply by existing and being so accessible to read.

After some pacing around outside, then sitting and laying down indoors for a while, it became apparent that I wanted to and could go deeper. I put on headphones and a youtube video with an hour forty minutes of icaros. Scaled and loaded a whole 40-50mg since it doesn't all burn up at once and i have good temperature control with this thing. I spend a while just setting up my space and sitting outside, as the music played. I smoked a couple dry-pipe bowls of lobelia inflata mixed with caapi leaves. If anyone reading is currently trying new things with making changa / smoking blends I recommend these two together highly. Lobelia is a plant which strangely called to me in an herb shop a while back, and i only tried a couple times, but I felt it call me again today.
Slowly but surely i end up laying as a corpse outside on the mat, headphones in, blindfold on, covered by a comforter with the hash pen in my hand. Again i'm able to sneak the hash pen past the alarm bells and get two nice mega lungfuls. I've taken larger doses of dmt and seen more incomprehensibility, more chaos and complexity before this, but i've never gone this deep… whatever that means.
Those lungfuls slammed into me and I was GONE. Again, the cast of characters felt almost cliche but in a paradoxically refreshing and totally unexpected way°. I was actually face to face with a jaguar at one point! There were a lot of different animals and one woman. It was a breakthrough but not exactly a breakthrough, like there was no hard breaking point like every other time. Everything built so gracefully with the presence of the music. By the time I was coming back I was howling a bunch of words that ended in a repeating "OKAY EARTH I LOVE YOU WAKE UP" I stopped suddenly… then remembered the nearest neighbors were pretty far and probably at work. There was no cause of concern. I rode that mantra and the trance and had more fun than I may have ever had on a psychedelic trip before.
Then I ate some nuts and more chocolate and did the dishes, taking care not to waste water as they asked of me. It was easy to continually brush aside and forgive the thoughts of "this is IT MAN, this is the REAL DEAL. You're doing it! You're staying present! progress! good job!"
The way I was interpreting my actions or thoughts was a totally new vantage point for me. I was picking up on a lot of ego strokes and lacerations. Seemed like something I must be constantly doing on a subconscious level that I could now hear. After cleaning up the kitchen I went for a walk, and when I came back I decided to start writing this up.



*haven't gotten my hands on rapè or mapacho yet, but the "Natural" commercial grade stuff is a helpful and worthy companion to me. During this trip I felt a desire to take some snuff but couldn't find the tin.
**don't have a milligram scale or practice volumetric dosing but this level of control is enough for me



°I played this song, which I'd previously seen the video too, and the video definitely influenced/ contributed to what I saw in the breakthrough on some level. I just wanted to include it because I think someone here may like it to
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsgP8LkEopM

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