Hey guys

Since joining here I've been able to relate a lot to my fellow human beings questioning reality and the hardships endured in that process from bad to worse to even worse to better. But have for just as long had doubts about the essence of my being here in the first place, having never actually experienced dmt. I guess you might consider it a long rumination, about whether I truly intend to more than try but discover this substance and what gifts it has to offer the human mind. And I believe I've decided finally that I do want to go further and begin extracting this, that I want to see what a breakthrough will show me now that I have the means and time to initiate it.

So I tried Aya for the third time, with paganam instead of cappi, which I suppose I ought to call 'ana'huasca. And successfully maoi'd myself, with something like 6 grams of seed. Maybe this is something particular to rue, but I discovered that you rather feel it in many ways- by the taste and consistency in the mouth, the sensation of lightness, a vague sense of not being all awake - when it is time to drink the burgundy.

Of which I had 12-14 grams-worth waiting warm in a mason jar, while I read to myself out loud from 'Moby Dick'. At some length not long after downing the maoi tea, I stop mid-sentence, deciding that my breath has begun to feel too short and my head a bit light for any further enjoyment exercising my vocals.

I take half of the burgundy colored acacia and sit back down to read silently. 5 minutes later there is a definite change in the aural environment, and more importantly a very irritating insect-esque chirping also very much resembling the electronic distortion sometimes encountered in mp3s. I rush to the computer dizzily to kill the reggae music that I'd left playing in the other room, half suspecting half hoping that that was the source of discomfort. But it wasn't. As I later discover, the strange distortion of sound which is perceived literally as a kind of chirping, as from a cricket if only sped up a pace, is coming from nowhere other than the very drums of my ears. I am somehow experiencing an artifact of information in between the sound hitting my ears and the transmission of that sound to my brain. I am listening to the vibrating of my own eardrums, basically. It is like hearing every breath every movement and itch from inside of a tiny bubble. And it is somewhat maddening.

An hour in I am definitely F'd up and if anyone were present to witness my stumbling attempts to warm (the furnace had run out of fuel that same day, and it was snowing outside) and steady myself, I'll just say I'd have appeared a definite crazy person.

I suspect that the effects experienced and bodily retardation born by every individual in this preliminary, pre-breakthrough stage, are of a nature all and sundry. And probably no one has experienced what I did here. But without going into too much detail I'll say that I essentially entered a state of mind I was no longer able to form coherent thoughts, and my brain felt like a scratched cd that has entered 1 infinite second-long segment, on repeat ad infinitum. And then into that 1 infinite loop seemed to drizzle countless other thoughts from somewhere else. I say somewhere else purposefully to convey the sense that these images and sounds did not seem entirely originating from my own body, my own memory-banks.

So while I am being pummeled senseless by 10-25 thought streams at once, I am also ( I think in effort to sooth my nerves a bit and relax ) am somehow creating and hallucinating my own music. I am listening to a symphony that is under my strict conduction and it brings some relief to the extreme tension of helpless powerless but immaculate reception of nearly complete noise, as a thousand thoughts surge through me as through a fuse on the verge of burning.

I welcomed the breakthrough throughout this 6-8 hour period, but did not have the steadiness of reason about me to reach for the remaining acacia and finish it. And throughout, admittedly, somewhat fearful for my sanity since I'd never read of effects quite like this, prior to breakthrough.

My ultimate resolution was to wait until I did break through, to come back and tell of it. But it is going to take more time, more patience, more thought than I suspected. And I have enjoyed this place so much, it's hard to stay clear. =)

Until next time, cheers brothers and sisters.