**Edit

I deleted the original post after a depressive episode. I guess I was ashamed of my depression. Ashamed that I could not enjoy life the way so many other people seemed to do so easily. It becomes all consuming and all together another consciousness. Depression is unrelenting. When I asked stay or go... the question was to myself and not about the nexus.

Depression is like someone pushing you into a pool with all your clothes on. You get completely surrounded by it. It becomes your world. So you swim hard but your clothes are wet and it makes it harder and harder to swim until you just are so exhausted from the struggle that you want to sink to the bottom and die. When you do finally make it to the side of the pool and pull yourself out and it's hard walking around with wet soppy clothes. Sloshing around. Easy to fall back into old patterns and ways of thinking. Easier to jump back into the pool. I don't know if this is the best analogy but that is how it feels.

Depression is hard to talk about. It's hard to admit it. I know that life should be happy. But something inside me just won't allow it. More and more it is lessening it's grip on me. I am doing the work and with it a new awareness and focus is summoning new thoughts to silence the vituperative voices of depression.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb~

I just want to say thanks to everyone for supporting me. Thank you so much!!

Hi DmnStr8

I had a tab open with your original post in it for a long while,
and it wasn't till my pc started running out of memory and I began closing tabs (I have 16gb of ram and yes, I have that many tabs open) that I started reading your story. I refreshed the page and saw that you had edited your OP.

It's a shame you removed that excellent post. I hope you do not feel like the lack of replies is any indication of the value of your post. Your story closely mirrors my own. I got into psychedelics for the same reasons, self reflection, self development etc. I too live with depression, among other things. So your story has a lot of importance and meaning for me. I hope you've still got it somewhere, because I'd like you to put it back.

I've been wanting to write something similar for a long while, but I have been unable to find the right words and make it concise enough to post. I believe it is important to talk about these things, to show others who are in the same boat, that there is a way out. I have never taken pharmacy medication, nor do I intend to. I know that the real solution, the best solution is in my own mind.
Your story reaffirms this for me. So thank you for writing that.

<3

Stick around buddy. I like your posts. I feel like you add to the atmosphere.

Dmnstr8, i hope you stay with us

and i want you to know that we're here for you. we're here to listen to you. we're here to support you. don't be afraid to reach out. reaching out is brave because you never know what someone will say when you reach out. thank you for being brave and i hope you repost what invikus mentioned because i didn't get the chance to read it and come to understand what you are going through.

Life is like a seed. sometimes in order to grow you must be dropped in dirt, covered by darkness, and struggle for light. and know that you can rise out of the ground into the sunlight and reach for the skies.

with love and kindness - JSK

For the record DmnStr8, the posts that I've read of yours were meaningful & well-written & I appreciate that.

As for you staying or going, only you can decide that, but no matter what you do, I wish you safe travels, peace & contentment.

Sincerely,

Doc Buxin

I too suffer from depression , i would say that i usually do 3 weeks as a sane and life loving individual and about 1 week as a depressed individual. a lot of it stems from loneliness and not having a SO. but that's another story for a different day.

if you suffer from intermittent depression i would say that its a very normal and human thing to experience. intermittent depression can be remedied in a variety of ways. i would say the strongest medicine will always be proper diet and exercise. you could also throw in some occasional B.cappi tea to keep the good times rolling. the last thing you should do is use psychedelics as a crutch. they should be the the icing on the cake, and not the entire cake. another thing you should consider is the fact that imagining small things or looking at tiny objects while in pain will decrease the amount of pain experienced because your brain thinks the issue is small. the same goes for depression. what you could do when you feel down is to go outside at night and look up, see the stars. notice how cosmos goes for infinity. notice how all of this , all of your issues or anybody elses issues are the dust that rests on larger pieces of dust that rest on the very atoms of the universe. thats how small of all of us are, and thats what helps me when im down.

also , don't waste depression. dissect your thoughts and try to find whats wrong, follow the vine to the root. the root cause should be a number one priority, once you get back up on your horse, ride that horse into battle against the root cause. you are not static and the saying 'people never change' is a bold face lie.

however; if you have the depression that doesn't go away then you should seek professional help and god bless you.

I've struggled long and hard with depression. Being intolerant of medications I've had to endure and suffer a large part of my life. I know the darkness that swallows all hope, I know the spectre of death at my own hands.

We speak here of that, and dance around that horrible term, suicide. There is a place in that dark that some go and never return. Those who choose that route may end their pain, but only propagate death for those who remain behind.

I've worked hard around finding a way out if the dark. An understanding that what goes on in my brain, the negative feelings, are chemicals within it. Finding a way to manage that soup is key. There are medicines, there are plants that help, you must find what works for you. Asking others what works for then can give ideas.

I've found that infrequent tryptamines use is the best thing for mine. One dose of DMT elevates my mood and keeps me in a positive, forward moving arc for weeks. My dips into the depressive state are less severe and frequent.

It's not really your choice if you stick around or not. I for one, do but forgive suicides. I don't know who loves you, but they do.