I don't know if it is the right place for a trip-report, but really would like to have an insight on it from the DMT community.
I'm what one would consider to be an educated person. I read books, I'm curious to learn new things, capable of doing researches, able to use logic, analyze, etc. With good theoretical knowledge of different spiritual\esoterica traditions and practices, sacred texts (advayta).
Before attempting on DMT I did not have much experience with psychodelics, actually it was just one time, when I was 20 years old. Cooked some ayahuasca and got a bad trip because of sticking too much to my ego (as I realized later), although have seen very spiritual and beautiful, really touching things while on it. Also I use to smoke weed, and have been a lot of times in the K and MXE spaces.
I like dissociatives pretty much and have been so comfortable with the experience of K-hole, that probably could build a house and live there. Read and listened Terrence Mckenna stuff, researched Erowid, tripreports. So I thought I was well prepared for the effects of this drug!
Jesus Christ, I was so brave, I wanted to see another dimensions, to experience the hyperspace Terrence describes so pompeously... Deep and beautiful... I envisioned it will be the same cold stillness of the K-hole, just in a more colorful and vivid way, with extra added spiritual feeling.
But how fucking mistaken I was
So I measured a 50 mg of DMT mix (pure white DMT and yellow DMT oxide) sandwiched it between a layer of poor, almost inert, weed. Tried to gently vaporize the DMT holding the flame over the the bong bowl and slowly inhaling. The first toke I held for about 5 seconds, it was mostly weed I think, mixed with some DMT vapor. The smoke was not harsh or plastic, it was OK, nothing strange.
Then I did the second toke, a deeeeeeeeeeeep one. And still having the vapor in my lungs, I saw how the reality changes. It was merely a feeling, but it was so intense and overwhelming. Perplexing.
And then everything in the room started to fade or darken and it was just "bang!" - like if someone opens a bottle of champain and the cosmic wind blows your mind out of your body. You are becoming someone or something completely different than before. And this feeling is so real! With the remains of my fading consciousness I understood that someone else has come into my mind and that something fucking crazy is just about to start happening. It was a sensation of someone being present within you, like your alter ego... and it was kind of demonic one. I would even say it was close in appearance to the DMT devil from "Fear and Loathing". I think now, that it might have been induced by the strange and unpleasant smell of the DMT vapor - it somewhat resembles burnt sulphur.
In general immediately after I took the stuff I had the sensation of cheap and strange "don Juan" style magic, the world of spirits and shamans thing. It was quite unpleasant and dirty, totally contrary to the sensation of the divin.
I even thought: "This must be how people obsessed by devil feel". And it was horrifying, I thought I will never be "normal" again.
I was standing in front of the window, with the bong in my hands. I struggled to put the bong on the table and fall into a chair next to me starring on the wall.
Unfortunately I did not know about CE and stayed with open eyes all the trip. Well, at least I think they were opened. At the time of the trip I did not even realize I have eyes...
As I fell on the chair I entered a dream-like state. The wall in front of me started glittering and shimmering with different colors and light, everything shaked and looked unstable. Everything moved in front of me, and I saw couple of aztec-like signs, and then I saw some entities. I could only observe them, paralyzed. They were like buffons. Ball-like tiny creatures wearing I would say hoods, although I'm not sure. I do not remember well how they looked. But they did not resemble the "elves" I expected. They looked differently, more silly and simple, more funny, giggling, running and twinkling with different colors in front of me.
What I observed was not interesting, nor high-lofted, appealing, divine, spiritual or goddish, but
EXTREMLY BIZARRE. So fucking bizarre and real, that I feared that I'm out of my mind and began to deny and resist the effects of the drug.
I was trying to save my identity, my personality. Like a straw for the drowning man, you know. In attempts to get my thoughts organized I got a complete, total mental disorder. It was very horrifying and I also felt something in my mouth and throat, like when eating hair or if you have a worm or snake there, or some bug... And while I felt this, I thought that I'm a madman, for what I experienced was so horrifying and not corresponding to what I have read and was expecting. I felt how my consciousness has shifted. And by all means I tried to resist that shift and the effects of the drug. It was soooooooooooo difficult.
I started to understand that I'm back, little by little, in a very-very tiny portions. And it was unstable, like waves - more madness, less madness... Suddenly I felt a strong deja vu, like if I already did this before. Like if I already have received DMT by post before, have smoked it and had the same setting in same chair. Like if I have been in this state before and liked it. It was a strong feeling and it gave me some kind of relief. But I was already able to remember something about my earthly being and so realized that this was a deja vu, since in reality it was my first time with DMT.
A lot of visuals came from objects in the room, everything was morfing and resembling the ayahuasca visuals. They blended with the "normal" room and it was not so horrifying anymore. I said to myself: "Ok, this is already nothing. I will bear with this a little bit more. Remember it doesn't last long, you will survive."
More intense visuals returned for a second, the wall shaked and shimmered with many different colors. I felt something and suddenly involuntary laughed. I realized how absurd and silly it all looked. I bought this shit for $50 to make fool out of myself, experience holy crap mental terror and then try to "return to normal life"! I also laughed because I understood how ridiculous were my expectations of DMT, and that in fact I very much underestimated the power of this compound.
I also felt a little depressed, for the sensation of "cheap magic" still resided. I thought the breakthrough will be absolutely different. It is probably partially related to the fact I stayed with open eyes and there was enough electric light in the room.
So, what it was? Any ideas?
Was it not enough clean stuff, or inapropriate set n setting, or this is normal for DMT? Or might be I'm really mad? Immune to real DMT effects?
Questions are also welcome.
And thanks for reading!