My first experience with DMT was extremely unsettling, no amount of reading trip reports and listening to TMac could ever prepare one for the experience that is the come up after inhaling that first dose. It was a very small dose too, threshold really, enhanced vision and some fractals, a little breathing, all things I was prepared for from my mushroom friend. It was the sound, the body vibration, the feeling like I was being atomically deconstructed at a pace that at every moment felt as though it couldn't possibly become more intense, and then continued to push on until it became the only thing. All I wanted was for it to end, there was nothing enjoyable about it. White knuckled my ego clung to the bits of normality that were left and kept telling myself IT WILL END SOON, IT WILL END, JUST SURVIVE THIS.

I put away my carefully crafted Machine, still loaded with well over 40mg of spice and didn't touch it again for 2 months. During this time I would try to build up courage by reading more trip reports, listening to the Psychedelic Salon podcast at work, and would decide in my head that today would be the day, today I would toss aside the petty mortal fear and dive into the abyss. The problem was, the closer and closer I got to the reality of having to take that next hit, the more the fear and panic would build. The positive energy and excitement would turn to ashes in my mouth as I climbed into my car and began the short commute home. Every day, I'd come home, look at The Machine, and tell myself, not today, maybe tomorrow.

Finally, I decided to approach it from another angle. I wouldn't dive in, I would tickle the beast, ease myself in. I worked up the courage by smoking a large quantity of OG Kush and a wine glass full of bourbon. Headphones on, music blaring to keep that fucking sound out, I took the smallest hit I could manage. Ahhhhhhh, the computer screen melted a bit, the music was awesome, I leaned back and closed my eyes and enjoyed the amazing body euphoria. Here we go, this is something. Over the next 4 days, I cleared out what was left of the first load, and added another 50mg, which I would smoke 5 to 10mg at a time, maybe 3 times a day, to supplement the high, it was quite enjoyable, but I wasn't making any real psychonautical progress.

I decided to stop fucking around with small doses and really get into it, afterall my purpose with trying DMT was to get the revelations from a mush trip, without having to set aside an entire day for it After thoroughly clearing out The Machine, I carefully measured and loaded 30mg. I decided I would do this one with a sitter, just the idea of having a friend in the same room was extremely comforting and eased a great deal of the anxiety I was feeling. I spent an hour meditating and listening to relaxing music, situated myself in the middle of my bed, and took what I thought was the biggest, fullest hit I'd ever taken. Things got a little weird, but not really much moreso than my small hits, visual acuity, I could see all the atoms in everything whizzing around, felt good, hmmmm, I guess it wasn't enough.

I have no idea how much I actually got of the 30mg dose, but I'm inclined to believe it was pretty close to 5mg, because what happened next was the single most exhilarating, terrifyingly beautiful experience of my life. On a whim, about 2 hours later I decided it would be a good idea to clear out and residual spice before I went to bed, I'd noticed that taking a small dose right before sleeping made for incredibly insightful thinking right before falling asleep, so I casually picked up the piece and hit it long and hard, with the flame much closer to the spice laden metal mesh than usual. There was no anxiety, no fear, I wasn't preparing myself for a mind shatter experience.... I was high and floating on the buzz from the last small trip, but as soon as I exhaled and that rush started I knew I had jumped in way over my head without even realizing what I was doing, which happened to be exactly what I needed to do. The following is a rambling account of all the parts I can piece together as of 20 hours later.

Alright, this is getting intense for sure, but it isn't so bad, it feels pretty good, the music is clear even though my arm is very very far away and.... is that my arm? How can that be my arm....oh no my hands....these are not my hands, are they? These are the hands of a reptilian alien...let's put those away for now, I can't look at those arms right now. OH GOD HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN? Is this the end or has it been 5 seconds and I'm still coming up? what is this terrible taste, my tongue feels like it was dipped in battery acid....okay let's just relax, close your eyes, that always feels good. Oh, oh my, this is much more in my face than anything I've seen before, like flying through an aztec temple, but there are 16 walls in every room, and they're all morphing and folding in on each other while shifting colors in time with the music, and there's a texture of fractal tessellated...something...okay just don't think about evil faces and you'll be just fi....fuck. Oh god here it comes, what is this, a snake but not quite, why does it feel feminine? Is that medusa? You're not frightening me, but I don't know what you want from me, look I'm just passing through, why are you just looking at me......okay then, lets open up those eyes and see how things are going in the real world. Ah....well, it appears that I am now a member of the cast of Family Guy, everything is here...but it's a cartoon....what the fuck, why are my blinds doing that, stop that, I don't need you to be doing that right now. Ahhhh what is this, why is this happening to me, what am I doing, how is this possible the music sounds so fucking normal how can this all look so bizarre. OH GOD HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN??? Shit, i really hope this is ending, I can't deal with this if it's only been 10 seconds. Okay door, you're pretty normal looking, lets just focus on you, yes, okay, okay, yes, find all the things that are normal, the music, the door, that bag on the floor, hold onto those, cling to normality, you can get through this. Yes, okay, shit, is it ending?? Close your eyes again...shit it's not that interesting now.... how are the blinds doing...okay they're only breathing and folding themselves a little bit, okay, you're back, you're back, whew, you did it, you did it.

As I settled back down into reality, the main overwhelming feeling was confusion, almost exactly like waking from the middle of a dream...what the FUCK just happened?? My hands where shaking as I tried to gather all the bits and pieces together. I wanted to write it all out, but I couldn't wrap my mind around what has just happened. Even now as I write this, the next day, I'm still not sure what I got out of it, but I'm not paralyzed by fear of the spice anymore, so I guess it's true when they say it doesn't give you what you want, just what you need. Whatever it was, I needed it.

Nice post. Kinda on the comical side. lol. Im glad that you were finally enlightened in a good way.

I know this feeling exactly. My first time breaking through was a very similar instance: "Well that was interesting, lets finish off this bowl quickly..."

Now that you're no longer afraid of the spice you can experiment, it sounds like you might enjoy something to slow down the experience.

I appreciate the report DrJZ. I'm currently in a state of not being able to jump in. Hearing your experience of having a similar perspective and dealing with a first big leap is encouraging.

I can relate to the fear of dmt. I have only had oral mimosa/rue tea and after an over ambitious first go, it took all my mental calming tricks I could muster to do it again -- even at a lower dose. I know that aya, esp in high dose, seems to last for several eternities and I really didn't think 'i' would ever return.... for must of it there wasn't even an 'i'. It was a struggle of feeling padded room insane on the comedown remembering the concept of 'i' and feeling crazy trying to hold onto that 'i'.

My next adventure will be to try smoking dmt. Oddly, I am just as apprehensive about that even after some pretty high dose 5-10hour aya trips. I think there is a fine line between respect of the spice and just downright fear of it

sounds very familiar. my fear of DMT was ever-prevalent and it really sent me haywire on my first trip (50mg). complete confusion, falling, unrelenting infinite cascades of visual information, white knuckle primal fight-or-flight response, getting very close to the point where you want to cry out for help but at the same time having the clarity of mind to realize that there is nothing that can be done, ride it out, hope it passes.

and then you're back, confused, disappointed, lonely. it's been a year and i still get clammy hands just typing this or even thinking back on that day. i'll visit again soon.

not today, maybe tomorrow.

I felt that way with Salvia several times - trying to resist it when it gets intense.

In my rational mind I tell myself before going in: "let go and be a part of it".

But when you're in there and it becomes the absolute truth - that's a tough thing to do!

I know you're talking DMT and Im talking Salvia, but I feel there must be some similarities with how we deal with breaking through and training ourselves to fully immerse so we can learn the most.

I'm glad your over the fear of the imagery after all what your shown is the single greatest aspect of experiencing DMT in my opinion. Do you have much experience with psychedelics? It sounds like the imagery itself was pretty benign and interesting. I'm thinking you were freaked by how perceptually intense it was. Myself, that's the part I love. Even the open eyed non breakthrough visuals have me absolutely floored, smiling ecstatically and has my sitter envious as I repeatedly say this or that is just ridiculous. Ridiculous in the sense that no other substance,that I've tried anyways, comes even close to how you perceive the external or internal world during the flash.
My fear mainly comes from the unknown. Not knowing if the imagery will be, well malignant or if entity contact will occur (it hasn't to date) and the bugger(s) will drop a mind fuck on me. As you reported the body load and vibrational come up is scary too, though for me it's because I'm not a young man anymore and that rise in blood pressure and body load can get me thinking my heart will explode. Sometimes the integration part scares me as well, the potential ramifications of what a breakthrough really is can be scary. My breakthrough's have left me questioning the nature of reality and consciousness.
You'll never know what your going perceive till its happening but I can say the rabbit hole goes way way deeper. I can only recommend you keep your doses small until you get de-sensitized to the ridiculousness as I put it, of the visuals. Always be mindful of your set and setting, never indulge where you don't feel safe and secure and never launch with a sitter you don't trust. Prepare your sitter in case you go "out" being yelled at or shaken or interrupted can initiate a downward spiral, and don't launch if you can't settle the fear at least to an extent. I've cancelled the launch many, many times. Trust your intuition.
Remember, your only a witness and your body is built to return you to ordinary perception. I know that can be bloody difficult though as your cognitive ability is not altered and is trying to make sense of altered reality that is completely alien to your life time of subjective experience, the only schemas that fit tend to be our concept of dying or insanity.
If the fear of what you see returns or continues I recommend you read the sticky "why you should not do DMT", as the writer eloquently states, once you break through you can't take the experience back. Perceptually, a breakthrough for me compared to a strong DMT non breakthrough is qualitatively equivalent to the difference between a low/moderate mushroom experience and the visuals you witnessed and reported in this thread. The two aren't even in the same ball park.
Eventually you will get to the point where your like "awwww I'm back to normal perception I wish it would last longer."

Safe and happy travels.

Haha! Those times when you're feeling good and decide to clear what was left in the chore.

Those are the ones...

I have broken through countless times and despite never really having a "bad" experience... I've had a few, umm uncomfortable ones for sure, or challenging ones, I still and am currently pondering the last experience I had several months ago. I definitely feel and share your hesitancy. It is out of my utter respect for this that I wait. For me, I wait until it calls me back with this wretched coiling, deep within my being that lets me know with no uncertainty that "it's time."

Still I wait. I'll live with that feeling and have now for a week. Nothing feels right. It feels like I'm in the wrong dimension. I know how to fix it but the last three have picked up where the last one left off, one after another, like I hit pause on a movie and went back in to finish it.

It wasn't what I saw that was so utterly life changing, it was how I felt. What was spoken to me without words, written on every atom and particle of my being that I can't shake.

I'm getting up the courage to write it up and share but until then, know you're not alone. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not either.