Hello all. Thanks for making and building and sharing this site. It is a treasure trove for the would be traveler. I believe an introduction is due. I'll try not to make a life-story of it.

I am Lavos. A late 20s alien male with a full bag of psychic drama. Manic depressive, Narcissistic, slightly autistic, suffice to say a little strange and more. I grew up in the suburbs on diets of video games and creek exploring. I smoked herb daily from 16 to now, with small short exceptions. Tried to find the cid but never did. At 22 I began to realize an artists/shamans complex within. At least that's how I choose to relate to my insanity and the difficulty in coping with society. I have a gift and a curse, and if I cannot find the right application for it, I will suffer indescribably. I have never worked longer than 100 days at one place (and that was only one) and do not build lasting relationships with friends. I thought then at 22 that I would place myself on my proper path. This did not go smoothly, as I was not facing all of my fears, and was still leaning on people left and right. I knew I liked drugs, but couldn't get them often. I considered growing mushrooms but already grew herb, and was worried about implicating myself further.

By now I had done a weak dose of peyote. A low dose of salvia 5x. And a low 2.2g of mushrooms. I knew I wanted to experience the unknown. I knew I thrived on what was strange or weird. Or so I thought. My inability to deal with my issues left me leaning more and more on the familiar and comfortable. Cocaine, alcohol, speed and weed were my mainstays, even though I only gained little with them, I felt alleviation from my normal over conscious self.

My first ayahuasca brew, some 6-8 months later failed. It just didn't work. Somehow, I wasn't ready. I lost interest in the stuff. Lost interest in the idea of growing my own mushrooms, and just thought that if I could harvest the right amount of weed I could start properly taking care of myself. Give my girl some money, and do my own thing. I was very very wrong.

The weed refused to proliferate as I desired. I was always left with just enough to barely keep things going. My days were empty and sad, awaiting someone to come home and alleviate me. A few months ago, after passing on a social opportunity, I decided it was time to leave my girl. I felt a rush of relief as I knew it was time to tell her. I had wanted to leave every damn summer for 5 years, it was about time. This did not go so well as I did not go far enough. I had no work, stayed with a friend, looked for some work. Actually got hired at a great place, though not necessarily my line of stuff, and never even showed up. By now my girl was coming over every few days, and my roomie was annoying the fuck out of me with redundant TV. I wanted to get away, but couldn't find the strength to just go (was already walking 2-5 hours/day and invigorating my body with 'shamanic' stretching. I was still though, for lack of something better, acting like a pussy.

Regardless, during that time I re-worked through a brother/sister forum. I learned some extractions that might be beneficial to me, they sure sounded good anyway. I then found my way over here. I found what seemed like something I could do.

Before going further I decided it was time for more salvia. My second trip was very pleasant but I thought the stuff was just too costly for what it provided. I was broke always, $20 goes a lot further with speed than salvia. I took the salvia, 15x. I buckled down and blew my fucking brains right out that night. Complete and absolute breakthrough, not just an experience. Full on open eye visuals, ego death, the works. This I was not able to let go of. Thinking I was dead I resisted both the real world and the unconscious world. I had smoked 2 quick bowls of mixed herbs beforehand. I'm not sure if this potentiated my experience or not, but I was high for 20+ minutes, not 5 or 10. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. It was also perhaps the first healing experience for my psyche. I knew from then on, that I LIKED being alive.

Since then, I've successfully drank ayahuasca twice, and smoked 3 light doses of DMT. Unfortunately the instant and complete disruption of reality under salvia has had me quite nervous to just rip into the deep end. I want to be able to accept it. I feel like with the salvia, had I accepted the state it put me into, and allowed myself to see, I would have seen 'more'. But as I felt like me and everyone I knew were my eye lashes, closed and gone in normal reality, I was completely un-nerved by ideas of what I might wake to. I've also moved away from said friend into a not much better situation, and remain completely on the fence as to weather or not I should head West toward other family, stay here, or just go to the damn mountains with a bag of nuts and fishing nets and you get the picture.

I write here to share my love for the profound and inexplicable. Even though I feel the letting go and tossing aside other opinions should be a larger focus for me at the moment, I feel that as troubled as I am that I might be able to share and document my journeys for the sake of others.

I know that soon the right 'just do it' attitude will hit, when the setting is proper. I have been getting into spirit animals, and the gecko and the butterfly have shown as of late. Letting go and transformation. Extra-sensory perception. Metamorphosis, no matter how radical, is just another dance to the rhythm of life. I seek my soul. I seek to never let fear run me off from shores on the horizon. I seek new worlds here. With fellow conquerors.

Good day.

Welcome to the Nexus, Lavos.

Sounds like a lot of difficulties. Glad you've found the Nexus. Entheogens have really helped me with similar issues to those you describe, but they can also turn south fairly quickly, if due caution isn't followed. In a really bad living situation, I developed a negative habit with mushrooms and haoma, and it caught up with me. Good luck.

Thank you ragabr. I can only hope for the best. I haven't been able to do that much good in this life. I ... Jesus, way to long-winded and uninteresting...I'm capable. Anxiety runs me. Ayahuasca I hope, will either help heal this, or will put it into a perspective that allows me to write further and more, consider all the facets of life that run dry on me making it difficult to into-great normally.

I need to go to school. I need money. I need to let go.

I'll get it down, or I'll disappear.

Neuga, Ziena, Zeiber, Zom, now the chosen time has come, exchange this world for...!



Hi Lavos.

Thanks for your honest introduction, you will definitely find loads of love and support here. You may want to look into learning how to brew some Caapi tea--I've spent years of my life crippled by anxiety and depression, and Caapi has brought lasting, workable relief. Working with large doses of Ayahuasca has been a miraculous tool for me to sort out all the psychological damage I carried, and working with microdoses of plain Caapi have helped immensely to take the edge off all those days I would feel terrible for no reason.

Best wishes.

Welcome to the nexus lavos!! Thanks for sharing

Thank you for the welcoming. I've read many of your contributions here minxx and am glad to have you on my side. I tried brewing caapi and chacruna a few years ago. It was unsuccessful, but thankfully the forums here pointed my in a good direction. And after my salvia revelations I knew I needed something more than ever. I had leftover vine from my original order. This stuff even made it into my backpack when I would attempt moving out. I believe it was here I read that the vine alone could be psychedelic.

I was able to find mimosa also though, and have drank my admixture twice. I also have a relative in search of healing, and he used it twice also, as he helped with funds. The amount of vine was somewhat random. I knew it was more than x but less than y. Next time I will be able to be specific. I will probably get used to drinking it alone, as the last time it did scare me out of nowhere a bit. I thought I was in a lucid dream, but a dream with unmatched clarity and depth. I was awaiting the horror.

How often is it suggestible for one to work with the vine alone. Keeping in mind that procuring more is not easy. I think daily in my case would be good, just wondering how often to incorporate mimosa. And how 'micro' of a dose do you refer to? I wonder if one could afford no more than say, 500g or less of vine, if working it alone at a lower rate would be better, or jumping into a handful of 'full' experiences would be better?

Hi Lavos, I can relate to you on many things you have said, especially the rejection of society.

In my experience, I have found that the best times to do these things present themselves to you. Making direct plans for many days, exact dosages etc may lead to mishaps. Let the flow of each day guide you in your decisions.

I have not had much experience with the vine by itself so I can not help much here, but I would like to humbly suggest that you try LSA containing seeds for your purposes. They are relatively cheap and I think what they show you can prepare you for and allow you to more easily integrate the intensity and seriousness behind the tryptamines.

I wish you luck in finding your way and I hope we will progress through the Nexus together

Thank you Equal, I just posted a response to your thread also exclaiming some similarities.

I know what you mean about letting the spirit of healing present itself to you, as opposed to making a rigorous routine or something. Thank your for the reminder. When drinking the vine tea, I was very comfortable drinking as much as I felt was right.

I will act on your suggestion for LSA as soon as I can. After some amount of healing, I'm more ready to jump into the workforce, because I know I have to. And it's really not so bad, even if the routine feels like a prison to me, I feel the need to shackle myself somewhat for sometime. I have read a little about HBWR (sp?) Do you recommend a tea or just eating them? I'll have to spend time, once I have the funds, looking into exactly how people prefer to have them. Cheers to learning to uncover your true joyous spirit. Being a healer when you feel all alone is not an easy task. I hope you find what you seek and then some. I'm sure with dedication we both will.

Also, minxx, I was wondering if you suggest one color of vine over another? Thanks

I've found it best to crush them in a pestle & mortar & put them in gel caps. This seems to null the discomfort somewhat. Eating the actual seeds seems to produce the body healing effect I get from them, I burp a lot and all the gas seems to make my gastrointestinal system stronger, every burp brings some sort of primal animal vigour for life. The biggest benefit I've felt from them is the rediscovering of memories and pairing these memories up with the true-self, validating who I am. When this happens, images created from various symbols my psyche has made from things which I never even considered symbolic to myself before appear as representations of parts of my soul. I've not read much about similar experiences though, I feel a deep connection with Mayan art now.

Welcome and thank you for your nice post in my introduction. This is truly a nice day isn't it.

Hmmm... perhaps I should make a thread detailing difference with experiences... *thinking mode*

BUT, if you are going for some deep healing, I would recommend starting with full doses first. This way, you can understand what exactly the vine does and how it works, and you will be able to assess a threshold for microdosing better. The reason I say full doses for deep healing is that the visionary content can take you to the places in your mind that need healing in a great depth. A lot of initial work with Ayahuasca can deal with dredging out baggage--my first year was full of flashbacks to childhood, etc. There were some things that had to be healed before I could reach deeper states.

Microdosing is never any more than 5g. It's wise to cycle time on and time off. When I was less sensitive to the vine, sometimes I microdosed 3x/day--it's just enough to make anxiety disappear and maintain a bit of the positive Aya glow.

I'm working a lot for the next few days, but I will try to address this question in greater depth, as I have experimented a lot over the years, and it would be great to hear more of what others who have experimented have to say...

Yellow is a very balanced vine to start with. All of them are beautiful.

(The black wind howls!!!! If you really want me on your side, you can entertain my extremely repressed 16-bit sprite villain complex. )

Magus: Ah... The Masamune!!! I bet you're just dying to use it! The black
wind begins to blow... Okay... give me your best shot... If you're prepared
for the void!

Just for you, I started gathering a few pics, forget how much I absolutely dug that game, despite the name, lol. Thank you. Also the last picture I found especially appropriate given the circumstances.

I look forward to the deep healing sessions. And thank you for the micro dosing tips, I hadn't heard or considered it before.

And thank you also Equal, I looked into the seeds. I might have to experience those before the cacti, due to availability/cost. I did not know so many positive experiences possibilities were so close. I hope to grow with these in mind, haha.

Welcome to the nexus lavos!

God, these screenshots remind me of so much, I LOVED video games when I was a teenager, I remember spending whole holidays playing 8h a day with my friends, those were the times!
Too bad I now get bored very quickly when I try to play, I wonder why, it's like the magic just disappeared ...

Justine, I completely understand. Agree, the magic is (seems) lost. I find it hard to get comfortable in the chair + screen but I just feel too much on my plate maybe? So rare that I can get into a game for a week or weekend. Kinda stopped around 19-20. I get aggravated with clunky UI's long tutorials, etc.

Thanks for stopping in.