I'm still in it. It feels like this may be forever. Whoever I was until now, I AM NO LONGER.

Who ever I become from this moment forth, I will never be the same again. I have been overwhelmed. "I" have died; died a thousand times. Gone. My body is still here, but right now I am a stranger to it; 'I' have no idea who 'I' am; I am gone forever. The end.

I believe this is the last time I will smoke DMT in any form. It is done. Whatever it was I thought I was looking for, it is found. I am changed. A new being; terrified, overwhelmed beyond words. A mere host for something much more powerful than whatever I used to be. A symbiant; reprogrammed.

I am dissolute. I must relearn everything from this moment forth.

Whoever reads this - beware. Be careful what you wish for. Do not underestimate the unbelievable power of this. It is beyond anything you have ever known. It is indescribable, awesome and terrifying.

This is beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life; a thousand times beyond; a million.

Should we delete all your posts?
Bad joke, I know.

Do you feel you are a better person than before you met your plant teachers?

ROFL

seriously though.

ego death rocks

To quote one of my favorite artist
"If life keeps asking you the same questions, you aint learning the lesson" the Grouch

There is much to learn about our self, every plant teacher has a different lesson.

!!!
Could you share with us what led up to this decision? Thanks!

when you have integrated....and it may take a good while by the sounds of it....i will be eagerly awaiting the report.

it's so interesting..... i'm not sure if you guys recall or not, but i was going through a period where i felt that all of the 'love' had been removed from my experiences. that i was being 'shut out' or 'denied access'. i struggled with these journeys for a few weeks until one day....

BOOM. next level. big time. beyond anything.

i have had four of these over the course of over 1,000 journeys in over a year and a half. it is jarring, terrifying, beautiful, transformative, humbling, confusing, exciting......it is everything and you are only just barely able to contain that everything.

it is a graduation. a true shift in your psyche's perception going forward.

it is what we all 'say' we want. nothing can prepare you for it or it's profound REALNESS.

you are right, my warrior brother. you are no longer the same person you once were. you are something more.

congratulations. i love you.

WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE

I miss that little wingding

Years ago I was of the exact same mindset from a experience pretty much as you described. I had gone so far that I lost my self in the journey. I felt as if my being had been dis assembled in the void and I truly believed that I would never be able to recover from the experience. You cannot take of the spice for life. Look around those who were in the old community are no longer around. I recognize no one here unless they have changed their persona here I have to assume that all those who were there are now gone from this world. For every person here there will come a time to move on. For some other things in life take precedence others have a experience that causes them to wash their hands of the whole thing.

A break thru experience can be very powerful and overwhelming a bad one is many times more so. You do not recover in a day or a week. For me it took months. Of course I took it way to far. Time heals all wounds even this one. I'm deeply concerned with the recklessness of some on this board. This drug is not a toy and the consequences can be severe for good or ill. Everyone must realize that there is a risk in taking this journey and that they can be seriously traumatized by the experience. You must have a strong footing in reality and a strong mindset to take this path and some here do not have that. They are tempting a fate worse than death IMHO.

Excellent advice. My friends choose not to smoke for that reason. IMO Oral is a different ride completely, one where you are more the conductor than a passenger.

When you’re ready, there are many here who would like to learn about – and learn from – your experience.

Several months ago, I also had an experience “beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life”, and since then I often wonder if I’m done. I’m not sure if it’s fear or satiety, but the desire to continue exploring isn’t what it used to be.

Be well.



Here’s my related post

Ah yeah, I know that feeling very well. You're not the only one. When I had that feeling I thought maybe I was the only one.... but I realized there are no words to describe that experience.... that's why no one seemed to be talking about it! lol!! what a joke. I couldn't stop laughing at that when I was there. Then we come back to this reality and talk on the computer as if we took a drug and had some very interesting experiences and visions.... but it's not like that is it? Its beyond all comprehension isn't it? Nothing can be said about it because anything that is said about it rendered meaningless at that time. No wonder no one was talking about it..... they can't. And if someone who hasn't been there before reads this paragraph, they won't really know what I mean.

But you have come back enough to write stuff down, apparently. It may be the end of what you once were, but it is not the end. Your life will continue, only with this mind blowing experience added to it. Welcome to your new world.

Antrocles, Vovin: thank you both for your kind and wise words; I am grateful to you both.

Ant, like you, I had a period of loveless journeys and 'denied access' attempts; I also had the real sense that I was being trained for something. In over 60 breakthrough journeys into hyperspace, I have experienced ego death; I have been other people, other creatures; I have seen other dimensions; I have seen Wonders. But I truly have never experienced anything even remotely like this. It was death, beyond death; alien, beyond measure; I was aware that something was breathing, and that this was important; but it wasn't me. It wasn't under my control. my entire being was no longer.

Let me relay what I can of the experience, or at least the setting:

I went to my yoga teacher today, who has been developing a program for me; we spent an hour discussing focus and intent, and the nature of these; then he developed a short yoga programme specifically to help me train my focus.

So I came home from work, and did the yoga; then I smoked a large bowl of a leaf mixture I made - basically, I soaked 10g chaliponga and 10g caapi leaf in IPA for a month; then evaporated the loaded IPA onto 1g chaliponga + 1g caapi leaf to make a 10x smoking mix. After this, I loaded a bowl 85mg Deep Purple - a changa of caapi, calea, blue lotus and rooibos - and sat half lotus for about twenty minutes, meditating, centering, breathing; I clarified my intention; recited the things I am grateful for; and declared my humility in the face of my human failings, and asked forgiveness.

Then I went in, and arrived in a very familiar hyperspace; I was aware that I had been here before. The spirit of this place was almost 'going through the motions', a bit dismissive. Sweeties for the children. I asked it if I could see more, see beyond, and it toyed with me - it was saying, oh you want more? like this? And a flahs of something magnificent would appear, the nvanish beyond my grasp. I came back through the insect world, became an insect, was buzzing and omming loudly, moving my arms like them ...

Then, on reentry, I felt compelled to load up the pipe again. I didn't weigh it out this time - I wasn't really capable. I put it to my lips, lit it and

disappeared.

There was no me; there was something, but I couldn't begin to describe it. This went on for eternity; there was something talking - it was saying things like, he is ready; this is what he wants; and I was aware of something; a sound. It was my breathing, but I had no idea what it was; just that it was necessary that it happened. Then I died. Dead. And then died again. And again. And again. Then whatever I was became a part of another consciousness ... it owned me. Whatever my psyche had been, it was now possessed and inhabited by something utterly alien, beyond powerful, and it used my remains as it willed.

The return (during which time I posted the OP) was looong. I'm back in my body now; but its been hours since I set off.

I think this was the Big One. And I remember thinking at one point during reentry, if ever I come back - which seemed highly unlikely at the time - that's it. I'm not going back again. There is no need. It is too terrifying.

And no, I don't want to delete my posts ... ;-)

Welcome Brother! It may take some time to integrate, but don't worry, you shall.

Once you get the answser to the call you've been making, it's time to hang up the phone.


Bad joke, but funny.

I wanted to add something: I have met my plant teachers many times before; Mama Aya; Jurema's baby tendrils; The Many of the Blue Lotus, and the dark beauty of Pao D'Arco. I have had many, many powerful, life-changing and profound experiences in hyperspace; this was not 'a first breakthrough' ... I'm a seasoned traveller of this realm. But what happened today was as different to all my previous journeys as the first spice journey was to say, smoking MJ.

Do I think I am a better person now? I don't know anymore who I was.

it is not up to us to decide if you are a better person. You must continue through life and decide for yourself. Who you left in hyperspace, where you are now, and what you decide to do is what will determine your change.

That sounds really harrowing, 88. I wonder just how much the chaliponga had to do with the new and unique character of the experience.

I can't say as I blame you one little bit for deciding (for the moment at least...) not to go any further. This thing of ours is the strangest, scariest, most inscrutable experience a person can possibly have. I often wonder why it is I continue to subject myself to it, and I've said to myself any number of times that I'm done going through the looking glass.

Be safe, my friend. There is no shame whatsoever in stopping. Very few people will ever get to see the things you've seen.

Seems like these DMT Journeys are like Surfing. (Just an analogy, please don't kill me... Jesus)

When surfing you can always ride a wave, sometimes you don't take it as you expected it and sometimes you ride the wave smoothly.
You are traveling in the wave, but the wave is carrying you and you are enjoying it.

But then... one day you are there... in your surfboard waiting for a regular wave... on a regular and common day. Nothing really special.
And then this big wave starts to form... its getting bigger and stronger. You don't know what is going to happen but you take it anyway, and it turns out that this wave is the biggest you have ride in your life... it damn big, scary, amazing and it can fuck you up if you fail to ride it properly. And then it's over... you don't know when it will come again, but you took it. You are not a 'better' person, but you are a more experienced one.

You have been surfing for years and this wave appeared and you ride it. But someone who just has 1 month surfing could have surf'd the wave if he was there at the right time and the right place. An unexperienced surfer that fails to ride the wave and splashed face-first against the water and hitting himself in the reef, might just not want to try to surf ever again. An experienced surfer would say:

"This things happen, it's part of nature. No reason for me to quit surfing... I'll quit when I stop enjoying it... not because I got scared."

88, tt seems like you were on the right set and the right setting for that amazing journey.
But that doesn't mean that all your next journeys will be like that.

You never really know how the sea will behave.
You never really know what your mind can show you.


I just makes so much sense for me to compare spice journeys with surfing. (As analogy... not literally)
Could a spice user reply on this comparison? Thanks.


Good luck 88, be well

Thanks, Art... I really appreciate it. For now, at least, the journey is at an end; and I am not sorry for having embarked on it. Safe travels to you, too, my friend. This thing we touch is beyond us.