After successfully battleing uncuncious suffering for months I can clearly tell that this experience kind of broke my neck short term wise without being even aware of it.
The symptomps I had:
- depression, which was actually a normal state for my entire life
- Kind of fog in my brain. This was really intense. It felt like having ulcer in my brain.
- The desire to leave my job and enter uni got bigger as i felt like i am wasteing my time otherwise
- It felt like being someone else, personality changes, depersonalisation?
- My pushing mindset was missing
- Wasnt able to improve myself on a daily basis anymore
I kind of underestimated the setting part of safe-use.
For me "only feeling good" before a journey is not enough specially when a lot is going on in real life as:
- Stress at work
- Planning to quit my current job and starting uni
- Searching for a new apartment
- Health issues like eczema and overthinking
- Family problems
The other trip i did
The box did not contribute to this situation in any long-term and positive way.
The intention of that trip was just to prove myself that I was not afraid of dmt after this "fight for life and death" trip.
I have not touched dmt for a long time and that will not change till i sort stuff out.
It is very important for me to share how I managed to break the chains.
About 5 weeks ago I started to bong weed after years of thc abstience.
This helped at first but after about 2 weeks I noticed that my overthinking getting worse again.
That was actually the reason why I stopped with weed years ago.
At this time I knew that I can not allow to let this proceed like that.
After 4 weeks of weed I stopped from 1 day to another.
The detox was really awful.
Neusea, threwing up, headaches, freezing, sweathing, feeling sleepy in one moment then hyperactive, no appetite, even stronger depressions.
Currently I am again 2 week off weed and didnt drink for weeks as well.
TBH I am not sure if faceing the additional suffering from the weed detox contributed to this situation.
But I definetly felt really good after achieving the goal of quitting.
The craving and the short-term handycap from this dmt trip claimed so many resources, engery and time.
Not sure if i can view myself resilient after managing this.
On the other hand would such a trip cause suffer for resilent people?
I dont know.
What also helped me was time, rest, a single dose of 25mg Trazodon-hcl and micro dosing harmala.
There was a few days gap between harmala and Trazodon.
I used low-dose Trazodon a few times years ago because of sleep issues.
I took the Trazodone a few days ago.
And the next day all the fog faded slowly away.
This was the moment i understood that somethign was odd the past few months.
My mood improved exponentially day after day without using any medikations at all.
I have not felt this well while being sober in my entire life.
It feels like being reincarnated.
I can feel the energy required to lift real life and tear trees apart.
I can enjoy music and dance to it again even alone in my room.
Sometimes I ask myself if I found dmt too early?
Or dmt found me too early?
I think it was required and on time.
I am thankful as I currently feel better then I ever felt in my life and not because I am sober. I feel better because I did not only survive the experience but also the suffering.I will love to meet dimitri again in a much clearer state after sorting stuff out.
All the experiences shared the same setting and I believe this will be a great baseline for better times.
The good thing is that I am aware now of this kind of odds and I know how to evade or handle such situations.
Patience will be rewarded.
Sometimes destruction is required for a solid foundation.
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