PRE-CONDITIONS
(mind)Set: Actually, very fine.
(physical condition) Set: Fit and healthy
Setting (location): My room at my altar.
time of day: Early evening. 1730
recent drug use: Cannabis earlier in the day, was on my microdose, harmalas 15min prior to changa.
last meal: Jumbalaya- 1630

PARTICIPANT
Gender: M
body weight: 63.5kg
known sensitivities: Sensory Processing Sensitivity
history of use: Seasoned (15 years)

BIOASSAY
Substance(s): Cannabis with 30mg+ harmine layered in between. Several minute hits from changa pipe
Dose(s): 30mg+ harmalas, one bowl cannabis (GMO), changa blend is 1:1:.3 (or 3:3:1)
Method of administration: SMOALKED


EFFECTS
Administration time: Harmalas: 1730 Changa: Approx. 1745
Duration: 40min


Intensity (overall): 2.5
Evaluation / notes: I need to do this more often

OPTIONAL
Pleasantness: 3
Implesantness: 1 (headache)
Visual Intensity: 1
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.
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AFTER-EFFECTS
Hangover: 0
Afterglow: 4, feeling elevated, centered, whole


REPORT


I unfortunately didn't get the chance to proof-read this, but wanted to share it.

I really should be working on my treatise if I want to be serious about it, but... here we are.

I've spoken about my fear of DMT, despite my frequency of low level experience, but never really why. I've certainly broken through my fair share of times. But the idea at this point and for the past few years tends to send me into feelings of sheer terror, despite having managed past experiences so well (hence why I keep coming back for more).

One thing I haven't mentioned in the past with regard to my anxiety, partly because I do find it a little embarrassing, is that when my anxiety reaches a certain point I experience tremors where my extremities in particular begin shaking. This happens when I'm trying to hit a heavy dose, making hitting said heavy dose a great deal more difficult.

I had slight tremors tonight.

Sandwiching 30mg+ of harmine between cannabis layers, I sat at my altar, playing the song (Dorje Ling) that I have chosen as my meditation song for months now. In full-lotus, I took several deep breaths, and opened my sacred space. After welcoming and thanking the cannabis and harmine extracted from rue for their presence in my meditation, I proceeded to smoalk the bowl from my “ritual bong.” Noticing my thoughts straying from the present moment, I calmly and gently redirected my awareness to the glass piece in my left hand and the experience of smoalking these medicinal and centering substances.

Harmalas help me to get to where I'm going in meditation and are very fulfilling to explore for me. Some may say I'm cheating when I use such a supplement (I don't smoalk them every time I meditate; and while I've always found meditation difficult in the long time I've practiced, harmalas are a welcome change), since they enforce a meditative state, but I really don't care

I suppose one thing that has always helped, for good reasons and bad, is that some of my first and most intense break-throughs have been with other people around. The positives to this is mainly the element of felt support. It's psychological. A negative is having the idea of not wanting to look like a chump in front of spectators. That's hubris. Granted, this was also around 15 years ago when I was a second-year student in college. I tend to only smoalk DMT alone now, as the times and tides change and I don't really know anyone in my immediate vicinity that I would like to journey with outside of a guide-work setting and intention.

Meditating, calmly, balanced and steadfast, I moved in flux between states of simply being to corrective thinking, to philosophic musing, to exploratory thought, to interacting with what slight visuals I was experiencing. I was suspended in my analyses; without judgment, only varying degrees of interest. Observational and indifferent.

The first experience delivered some insights to me about me that to this day I'm still so uncomfortable with. What's funny, is they weren't necessarily bad... So I ended up doing it two more times the same night, either to get a retraction or to receive understanding. Probably why I was so utterly “thrown” in the third experience (somehow being in the experience for over 50 minutes (according to a friend at least)). I recall coming back, with my face in my friend's chest while we were laying on my bed, me asking why the hell he was holding me, him telling me that I asked him to because I thought I was dying, realizing I was back in my meat-suit, in shock by the world I returned to, then running to the bathroom to vomit from my sense of shock. And this wasn't even what some may call a hyperslap.

So indifferent in fact, that while reflecting on how my mind magnifies things a great deal more than is necessary, and thinking about specific instances in which something was not that hard or was more of a success than my mind would allow me to think it could be, I also began reflecting on the sort of “**** it” mentality that I have felt is necessary to adopt in the past few weeks. This sent chills down my spine immediately, as my “rocket” (mod with Divine Tribe V4 Crucible that always has at least 10mg of DMT in it).

The fifth time was the closest thing that I've ever come to a hyperslap wherein one feels they are being punished. It's what I get since “she” told me to hold off and I went back again anyway, around 20 minutes later, because I “didn't want to waste it” after sending others off and there still being some in the bowl. This precipitated a 6 year hiatus. To be fair, I also couldn't find it again in that time, and didn't realize that I could extract it (both in the sense of the process being accessible to a layman and the sense of my confidence in myself to do so).

I instead grabbed my changa pipe, which is always loaded, even with something that I started smoalking at some point in the past (I rarely finish a whole bowl in one sitting). I've taken my usual hits while already dosed on harmalas, both smoalked and drank/oral, and go waaaaaayyyyyyy further. It's also a bit more to manage, especially with the added harmala component. So, I took several very very small hits until I reached the level I was comfortable with. Visuals were ever so slight, but much more apparent and “obvious” than the harmalas alone; I was seeing the “other side” even if not vividly.
It was the inspiration to write this.

When I did come across it again, things were great for a while. But as I began working with it more, things began to change. While my relationship and bond deepened, the depths that I'd go comfortably became shallower. It simply became “harder to handle.” It also keeps getting weirder. While they [these experiences] are of the utmost value to me and my mind, thinking, and being (well then what the hell was the “me” then, right?), it's come to a point that with that depth of experience I can't tell you how or why it's valuable to me. The reason is ineffable.

I've experienced energetic discharge before, but never like tonight. It began as it usually does; full body and a great deal of shaking in the arms and shoulders. I always allow it to run its course without preference or judgment, being aware that it is a healing action that my body is taking through it's input with my psychological flow with their mind-body connection; it's healing. But the healing was almost violent tonight. Breathing deeply, steadying myself in the moment and movement, I allowed it to reach its apex, being somewhat winded and out of breath by the end, by staying with my breath through the entirety of the discharge period.

It's all in the breath.

This is kind of why when I do break-through now, it's by surprise and accident, and typically I end up thinking “uh, oh.” It doesn't help that my sensitivity (which is already high) seems to have increased, with breakthroughs occurring between 10mg and 15mg (last time I did 10mg was a lot more than I anticipated). There was also a long period where my experiences were on the darker side, which I find takes more mindfulness and will-power to navigate and integrate thereafter. Then there are those that give an ominous vibe in weird ways, but are completely fine and enjoyable (still kinda kicking myself for inadvertently casting judgment on entities that I mischaraterized until they imparted me with gifts; they scared me at first). Granted, while I used to eat around 7g of mushrooms every time (because I didn't know any better the first time and just kept going from there), a gram intimidates me now depending on the strain. A lot of this difficulty can be attributed to my constant battle and management of depression. It has a way of enjoying influencing me to avoid that which I enjoy, like, love, what's beneficial, therapeutic, etc; endogenous brainwashing.

Blissfully floating on a sea of awareness (but not listening to the actual song), I rode out the rest of the experience allowing myself the feeling goodness and healing, and being aware that it was a gift to myself that I am deserving of.

While I've been getting much more comfortable approaching DMT, and am releasing some of my “standards of justification” (such as allowing myself to go far enough to see something; why I can't allow myself this is beyond me aside from what's already been shared; I'm neurotic), I'm still not quite there to send myself the distance. However, I have taken a step in that direction by NOT JUDGING MYSELF FOR WHERE I AM NOW. It's all good. Truly. I know what I'd like, but where I am is also satisfactory.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed.

One love

Voidmatrix,

Thank you for sharing this truly inspirational post.

Although you claim at the beginning that it is unedited it felt as mindful as some of the meditations you describe.

I love your implicit understanding that the present does not happen in a vacuum and is radically informed by our past experiences and perceptions.

Your self awareness, understanding and willingness to work with and forgive yourself I think are as right on as a path can be and probably about as good a solution to depression as can be found in the current era.

I am sending you waves of love and I'm so grateful to have read this.

-Pandora

Thank you so much, Pandora I'm happy to hear you enjoyed in and there was some value in it for you.

I also appreciate the feedback and encouragement.

I also agree the "present moment" is a magically elusive and mutable thing, influenced by the mechanisms you've mentioned along with inherent inner workings of the mind that are also influence by our past experiences, but also our choices made in those situations and the patterns we internally generate therein.

Sending you love as well

One love