For a year and a half I have been doing pharmahuasca two times a month.

Every trip has been the worst hell I couldn't had imagined before:

- the visuals are out of control, or seem "boring" or "uninteresting"
- I am told that I a very bad person that I have nothing good in me and have to be destroyed, and in different ways I am eaten by different things or some darkness
- I have evil demons looking at me
- it tells me I let myself abused in my relationship and that it sick and destructive to me

Weather the quantity is low or high it is more or less the same.

Obviously this report doesn't belong to quality reports, nor will get "like" on face book.

And yet I keep myself on the path.

Jox

EDIT made on 30 August 2014

Here is report of the trips over time

Yes.

Jox, it might be good to take a break. I don't know if you're familiar with joebono, but he was taking pharma weekly or every other week, reported difficulties and unpleasant experiences similar to yours, and ultimately did not stop until a number of very rough trips forced him to. He subsequently went on numerous anti-psychedelic tirades and seemed to have a lot of difficulty integrating and focusing on his life in a broader sense.

The main point being, when you get the message, hang up the phone (at least for a little while). I'm sure there's plenty you can work on in waking life...it's one of the joys of being mortal

Seems like you have alot of work to do before coming back into hyperspace.

Remember that the medicine only shows you the way, the rest is up to you.

Edit: A thing to consider is this though, the plants often talk in metaphors so when they say you need to be destroyed it might be the person you are today.

Doesnt mean you need to die but just change your ways and clean your karma.
I dont know you so i have no idea what you have done or what kind of life you lived.
But i sense some guilt that you might need to work through and forgive yourself for past sins.

Why do you keep doing it? If it is not rewarding in any way, then stop! Oh, and everything Snozz said too.

Good luck,

JBArk

This may not be productive, but I kind of question the validity of the OP. Like most people, I've had the occasional rough psychedelic trip, and I cannot imagine anyone willingly, repeatedly subjecting themselves to that.

The fear and misery are so profound that it can be hard to go back even if you've had one bad trip and 100 good ones.

"it tells me I let myself abused in my relationship and that it sick and destructive to me"

Well, is it true?

I was going to make a silly joke about needing dmt rehab, but maybe he still is gaining things from these trips. They may be rough trips, but maybe it is propelling him to do better. He didnt say he wasnt integrating them. lol.

You should try stopping for a while. It may help substantially. Maybe its just a phase youre going through?

You also may want to work out some "real life" problems not relating directly to pharma. If you're unemployed, concentrate on finding a job. If you're at a job you're not happy with, concentrate on searching for another. Try and resolve relationship issues, etc...Then come back and see how pharma treats you.

Lol , take a break and integrate.

Why keep breaking yourself down like this?

Take a break. A long break.

Thank you for the response,

I wrote this short report to show to new members that not all trips are paradisiac.

To show even bad ones fit in the category of "breakthrough".

As in style of quality reports I purposely omitted hoe pharma has been transforming my daily life: interaction with others, nature and Zen practice.

Maybe we should have "difficult trip" section which will help others understand them and work further, without the intimidation.

Jox

i really like the idea of a difficulty trip section. i've only had a few, but they were so profound i thought i had tilted the machine of reality and was stuck there. luckily i found a great deal of information all over the place here in the nexus to put me at ease but it was not in one place. a "whoops, i think i broke reality" section would be awesome in case you go overboard and get way more than you are prepared to handle.

Jox,

My recent pharamahuasca experience was really hard as we talked about. But because it was longer and I was able to comprehend much more of the experience as opposed to freebase. maybe give a toke off the change pipe, no MAOIs involved and see what that experience yields. If still dark and hard I too would suggest a break from the molecule.

For a year and a half twice a month and its the same? Seems to me its saying "you have deep seated issues to sort out" maye a self esteem/self image issue related to your relationship and the comment about 'likes' on facebook tell me you are guaging your own worth through the response of others.
The visuals are related to how you feel and think once you have resolved your issues they will most probably become the complex geometric beauty we all know and love.
Hyperspace isnt a temporary escape and can only be used with respect for recreational means when you are content inside yourself.
Make plans to improve yourself and act on them, remove yourself from negative influences imagine yourself as a content and happy person and build that future for yourself you deserve it.

There are MAOIs involved in changa in the form of harmalas, but perhaps some DMT freebase or enhanced leaf might be more appropriately suited for entering hyperspace for Jox.

This is so strange to me. I do pharma every week, have for about four years now, and I've never had a bad time. I've have plenty of uncomfortable moments and asked myself, why am I doing this to myself again? But all my trips end in joy. Though I remain aware that the table could turn at any moment.

What is your motivation to keep working with this molecule if you are plunged into hell each time? Doesn't seem very rewarding, yet I also know sometimes you can learn more from dark than light. As long as your mental state is intake, i.e., you're not "turning evil" and contemplating taking blood baths in ritual sacrifice slaughters (I am reminded of the Aztecs who are reported to have used mushrooms to contact negative entities; supposedly it was negative entities that suggested to the priests to cut out all those hearts [paraphrasing Graham Hancock]).

I do applaud your need to keep going back to pharmaland, however. Sometimes one needs to have the same nightmare over and over again in order to fully understand it and move on to brighter pastures. Good luck with your journey.

I think this is the way to go around it..I would do some mdma and cannabis first,just to get in a good "Place" and get really comfterble and then do some frebase dmt. if that Worked out well, then do only frebase dmt for a while before going to pharamahuasca.
I never did pharamahuasca before so....I cant relate to the spooky trips you had, doesnt sound very nice. Taking a break also sounds like a good option.

TT

If the trips are telling you that you're a bad person and you deserve nothing good, then maybe you should take a little time off and just do a lot of good unselfish things. Sacrifice some time doing charity or something. Show yourself that it's not true.

Then go back and if the trip starts to tell you the same you can just say no and just contemplate on all the good unselfish things and the sacrifices you've made lately.

Fight darkness with light.

Good luck. Hope you get over this.

I'd say bring the negativity and pain into the light of awareness and let it be met. Welcome the pain and just be present with it. Don't try to cover the darkness with positivity since that wouldn't deal with the underlying issues. The negative thought patterns and the energies driving them are not something to be fixed but to be met openly.

I'm parroting my point here but I'll say it once more a little differently:
The way to the light is through the darkness. All other lights are fleeting dreams.

edit:

And the darkness can be met without external substances as one is living everyday life.

Jox,

Sorry to hear about your difficult journeys. I don't have much to add to what others have said already but I remember you posting a thread about successful treatment of your partners BPD.

After reading here about your abusive relationship I'm curious how your partner is doing now?

If the symptoms are back I think it is important that you update the other thread.

Wishing you much love, peace and strength in your dealings with the abusive relationship.