Random question for this type of forum. But I really value everyone's perspective here. I just got a phone call from a friend about some fertility issues she and her husband have been having. She then asked me if I would be her sperm donor.

Honestly, I kind of like the idea. My wife and I have 2 kids, which is all she wants to have. But I wanted 1 or 2 more. I see this as an opportunity to have that to a degree. But I doubt my wife would be okay with it. Would it be horrible of me to do it without telling her if the outcome doesn't affect her at all? I wouldn't be involved in the baby's rearing, although I would have tabs on the child since these people are friends.

Thoughts?

***edit***
For clarification, her husband is entirely in the know and on board.

Female here. Don't do it. Never do something like this behind the back of your wife. Even you thinking of it doing it behind her back, makes me feel really bad for her.

And EVEN if you were not married at all: the very fact that you know these people, will eventually create problems. Don't be naively thinking that you would be something like a godfather figure to these kids! Humans are complicated, and you could see your friends moving out, or changing their attitude towards you, in a way that will dumbfound you. There is a reason why sperm banks are so adamant in keeping the fathers anonymous.

You already have 2 kids. You should be happy that you have them. I'm a female, 45 yo, and I will never have kids due to health issues. So I feel for that couple, I really do. But if they need sperm, there are sperm banks around, plenty to choose. Don't destroy your family for another family you can not have.

I'm going to agree with Handel here, it would be best if the full disclosure is put out there to your wife. If she is ok with it, then sure.

If your wife did find out, how would she feel? Would it be worth the risk?
There are kids out there who need homes.
Perhaps she and her partner would want to consider adopting someone in need?

Take Care,
ACY

Ask your wife's permission.

Handel's response is absolutely spot on in my opinion.

Your decision to go ahead, would come back to bite you in the future, almost certainly.
Even if your wife was ok with you being a donor, you would still have to think long and hard about going forward with it. So many future implications, it makes the mind boggle.

ACY, I'm sorry to hear that things panned out that way for you.

There is also the growing trend of sperm donors being sued and forced to pay child support. How would your wife feel about that?

Thanks for the replies all. It is clear to me that I obviously must tell my wife about the conversation. After thinking on the matter extensively, I've determined that this goes far deeper than her just wanting to have a baby. Won't bore you with the details, but I think this is a cry for help from the person who wants to have my baby. Despite a certain appeal the idea has to me, it's probably best that I say no. I would likely want some kind of involvement in the child's life. And I would likely want a deeper relationship with the child's mother, which would create all kinds of issues.

I think it is wise that you step away from this. You seem to be coming to a good conclusion. This will only complicate things if you proceed.

However, there is one detail that you may want to address within your marriage/relationship. I have added bold font to your quote.

Are things ok between you and your wife?



Take Care,
ACY

While we are not without our issues, yes for the most part. I have only recently (in the past year) come to terms with the fact that I am Polyamorous, desiring close loving relationships with more than 1 woman. I know I'm in a very small minority of people, and that it is still very much a tabboo subject in society. But it is nonetheless how I am and feel.

One of the hardest mushroom trips of my life made me come face to face with this part of myself that was once in shadow. And it was terrifying, because I thought having feelings of love for anyone but my wife must mean that I didn't love my wife... which I very much do. I'm still trying to figure out how to incorporate this part of myself into real life, if at all.

My (very smart) husband once told me that while polygamy is a social construct, polyamory is a spiritual one. To truly embrace such a lifestyle without issues it requires a highly advanced consciousness.

Unfortunately, most humans are not highly advanced, and when a couple enters such an agreement, it's usually the least attractive, or more introverted of the two, that gets the short end of the stick. A few months to a few years later, it turns ugly. Jealousy eventually surfaces because not everyone has the same level of success as the other(s), and that hurts their ego.

I think you should speak to your wife how you feel, but also you should meditate regarding if it's more sexual liberation/experience that you're after, or if it's more actual love. Basically, just make sure you don't confuse the two.

Whatever you decide to do though, loop your wife in. Don't cheat on her, because even if it might not feel like a cheat to you (it might feel like a natural need to you), cheating is how it would look to her, no matter how you're gonna try to spin it.

If she does not agree with that lifestyle, then you will have to think long and hard if you want to divorce or not, and pursue what makes you happy. Just don't do things behind other people's backs. Because ultimately, that would place you in the lower consciousness (virtual) category of people, which would be a tell-tale sign that your polyamorous escapades are likely to fail anyway (see the irony there?). And then, here you would be, old, alone, with no one around you to take care of you or "love" you. Your kids would be pissed off at you, and your ex-wife would have moved on.

I'm speaking from family experience. My father lives all alone in the mountains with his 2 dogs (or is it 3 dogs now?), exactly because of the choices he made in his life. He thought that if he left my mom (at an advanced age no less!), he would re-marry before having more fun. Instead, he saw his money disappear to these women, none of them wanted to marry him. He sees my brother once a month, and he sees me once every 1-2 years (I live in another country). My mom has moved on, very happily.

Polyamory is something you should have done in your 20s, but now, you have a family that you entered under a very specific agreement with your wife. So, think long and hard of what you want to do.

This is true. It is a highly spiritual thing for me.



It is definitely not a purely sexual thing. My wife and I already have a sexually open relationship. She is bisexual, and goes out with women from time to time. I have been granted the same freedom so long as I do it in the open with her full knowledge.



Fooling around with many women I had no emotional attachment to and didn't even really like was something I did in my 20's. Those experiences led me to understand that I need to actually like (and ideally love) the person before a gratifying physical experience can even be had. My wife knows this, has I have used the term Polyamory to describe myself. She's not super thrilled about it, but luckily it's not a deal breaker so long as I respect our marriage, which I truly strive to do.

But from my point of view, love is not finite. I can love more than 1 woman the very same way that parents can love more than 1 child. My firstborn child has no reason to be threatened by my 2nd born. I would give my life for either of them in a heartbeat. In the same way, my wife need not feel threatened by my love for another. Love is truly boundless, and knows only the limits we put on it.

So where do I go from here? Who knows...

Ahh, I see.

I wasn't trying to put you on the spot, I was just making sure everything was ok. Just genuine concern. I think it's safe to say that we all have the things that don't seem to fit within the models that society accepts as the norm.

Well, if you are both happy, that is what matters, right?

ACY

Not an relationship expert here, but even though it is technically not lying (it's just not telling) keeping something this big to yourself could wreck your marriage.

This isn't like not telling you had a couple of beers after work, the life of a new human being is in question. You could be the biological father of this child. If you tell her, there are two possible outcomes, she might have nothing against with you helping a buddy out or for whatever reason she wouldn't want you to do that.

Either way, you will probably never even have contact with this child as you are only the donor. It might not seem like such a big deal as you said because it won't affect her, or you after that point for that matter but trust me to women it is a big deal.

If I were you, I wouldn't risk my marriage by not telling because if she finds out and she might she loses her trust in you and all gets down the crapper from that point on. Even if she says no, you shouldn't really get that upset because you tried to help a buddy out but you couldn't. Your conscience is clear you tried.

Besides I couldn't imagine that you have a tormenting high desire to do that, so that it could bother you much if she's not okay with that. You probably just think, it would be nice to help these folks out. Don't risk your relationship over something that doesn't affect the lives of you two, if you don't tell then it starts to affect you.