I kneel down now before the wise.
I am lost. I am cold. I cry for myself.
I don't know what to do or where to go.
I cannot find the confidence I felt so strongly when I was 21 and fresh on mushrooms.
Maybe the problem is precisely the fact I haven't taken a heavy dose in a long long time.
And the ego has reasserted itself, perhaps with a stronger grip than ever it was before.
For three years I went to a university I wasn't really happy attending.
I didn't respect it much because in my perception it's not really prestigious.
And i'm one who is deadly with his sword of articulation.
I'm one who had no fear in class because I saw the end of philosophy.
Professors appalled me with their lifelessness.
I had it made. I really did.
School ended for me. I slowly became isolated from the world.
Not one to purposely go out meeting people, I keep to myself.
Doing that which I simply can't help doing.
Six months later out of university because I ran out of money,
having maximally exploited all the free debt to raise mushrooms and extract dimethyltryptamine,
I discover cryptocurrencies.
I find out about Bitcoin.
That's when I lost my soul.
Now I am rich, but I have alienated myself somehow from everyone I know.
And it's not as though anyway I knew a lot of people.
I used to say I don't have many friends but the ones I do have count for a thousand of your false socialized media-addicted dopamine-tripping friends.
Now I don't know what to do.
I realize now the mushrooms were the only thing that ever really mattered to me.
Cryptocurrency riches if they do not empower a new attempt, a new revival in me,
a re-ignition of my soul's spiritual fire, then I may as well be as good as dead.
I hate feeling sorry for myself.
I hate not being able anymore not to know what is right or what is true.
Where is that confidence, that sheer power I knew,
that glorious elation I felt through and through.
If my mission on Earth is not to serve the mushroom,
then I know not what I am here for.
Magical power comes not by fluke of talent. It comes by pain.
Terence Mckenna knew the singularity is in the mushroom.
He knew the mushroom resurrected meaning into view and feeling.
Meaning is in the responsible? Is that it?
Or was Mckenna right about everything? He was right about everything.
I pray for the strength and courage to enter again into the fight against the suppression of human consciousness by criminalization of these substances. I ask for the power to remember who I Remembered I was three years ago when I was 21. Please return to me my reverence and insatiable curiosity for knowing the nature of the universe.
The only way I may rise out of this pit of lonely darkness is to experience an anamnesis of cosmic identity.
I am lost. I am found.
Nothing nothing nothing.

Go volunteer at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter and help the least-advantaged among us all...Meet all strangers with a smile and look into their eyes and see just how "right" it feels.

Doing this, or anything similar to this (helping other people) will create more meaning in your life than just about anything else.

You may have to create some sanity first (depending on who you are at the moment). This is as simple as just cleaning your room thoroughly, getting and keeping your house in impeccable order and sticking to a daily routine that you create for yourself.

Best of luck to you Anamnesia.

I know exactly where you are right now.

Think about the others. Are they better off than you?

And then develop compassion.

Breath in, breath out. Meditation is the key.

Life only has any value if 1-You know to appreciate it, and 2-You can contribute something to the lives of other people in some way.

I would say the first thing more or less speaks for itself. It is maybe more difficult to see the point of the second thing, but without other people you're basically lost. You'll never find any kind of direction.

You have to be a part of something bigger. You have to feel and know this, or you're lost. You have to be part of some kind of community, and therefore you have to do something for that community. You have to contribute something to the system that you're a part of, or you're not realy a part of it.
That's how the human ecosystem works.

The greatest flaw in modern society is that so many people feel inadequate to contribute. That's where all the hate and anger comes from.
But hate and anger won't solve that problem.

Do you live to serve the mushroom or serve how the mushroom makes you feel? If the latter, could you seek such experiences through other means? Also, maybe others have the same experiences you have from mushrooms from different substances or activities, like meditation.

But to me, it sounds like you are formulating a purpose for your life. It seems that you feel cold and lost with just a few guiding lights. It's probably worth introspecting: what about your mushroom experiences is so groundbreaking and worthy? Are there other ways you could pursue that experience? Do you want to focus on having those experiences for yourself or on teaching other people about them?

Are there ways you could funnel your cryptocurrency riches into helping you achieve your goals? Could you open a lab or sponsor research or start a nonprofit to spread the word? Could you partner with existing nonprofits? Obviously accumulating money is not a sustainable purpose in life in and of itself, but there are definitely ways to use money to support your quest.

Firstly, everyone's made great points in this thread.

Small bit to add here


You know all those ..redundant, sometimes cheesy, verbatim phrases that often get repeated over the years and are older than dirt?


Like ...'Do what you love', ..'Do what makes you happy'.. 'Follow your dreams' ..and probably one of the better ones imo ..'If you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life.'

These things for many years I'd never saw too clearly nor realized, but they're absolutely true, more true than I think we can fully grasp or understand

Having a vision to build into your life is important. Having vision, and therein acting from that vision ..even if it's weak in the mind ...start from 'step 1' (as rudimentary as it might be), work at that, it'll most likely take some time [days, weeks, months, year/s, all depending on how grand the vision be], and you'll probably get discouraged at certain points along,

but to even bust through that first step ...once you do, then you're able to step back and look after all this time that had passed at what you've accomplished , while only a 'drop in the bucket' relative to the rest of the steps in your vision - you've just made one of the most important [and often hardest] steps - 'step 1', now you have a bit of experience, know how, plus some confidence to go into the direction of your vision

Even when you fail - you'll learn. It's important to use failures to their fullest extent, using it to always build in the direction of your own vision. That's important.

'Steps' to things might often sound like some self-help meeting 101 , but it's something that's proven itself throughout life and to work well with human beings.

'Baby steps' as they say.

To build anything that's great takes time, effort, patience, and ...many many steps.

While some or much of it might seem obvious ..though to implement these things into life and directly experience them and to see the result/s ..that's a bit of a different story

Most here said everything pretty well, especially resonated with doc and dragonrider

All the best <3

hi there
we may come from a similar past, i got to know mckenna when i was 14 (will be 19 soon), it was a very trans-formative few years until the mirror of dear mckenna had broken, he was right, but he was wrong too
the singularity isn't in the mushroom, the mushroom is in the singularity
it was hard to come to terms with it at first, there was some lingering delusions that had to be let go of, when you accept that the singularity manifests in much diverse ways (other than the psychedelic experience or in this case, the mushroom), suddenly the mushroom (or anything) isn't so important, or special, anymore
this also opens up a new door, dissolution is possible without help, yet it is not inevitable without help (almost never happens, you might say)
this serving, its a primal principal, you serve that which contains you, which is larger than you
but that is not the mushroom, the mushroom is for you, if you will
there is a difference between becoming dissolved in the singularity by practice and focus
and actually becoming the singularity, there is no effort there
becoming might not be the right word, remembering feels closer to the truth
this feeling of being lost, it comes from the idea that, "i should not be here", but that is not true, no part of the whole is mistakenly there, it only seems that way when you loose sight of the whole
the shortest way out may just be, to silence this idea, this claim
we all know why we are the way we are, you mentioned that, you're not the type to go out or be with people, is that true really? or is that a learned attitude
sometimes indulging in comfort brings the greatest discomfort, if that was not the case, the world would be much darker than it is
the idea that, one "has" to do something, that there is this "emergency" or "necessity", its just preposterous, and it drains us as long as it lives
we all need a cycle of silence in our lives, maybe a month away from everything, in the forest, in a cave, no words spoken, no heed taken seriously, all attention directed towards what isn't made up by you, the world
when we are lost, we are not really, we only desire to be somewhere else, somebody else, something else, we cannot accept something
i heard somewhere, that repetition has more than 1 dimension, we repeat things in such diverse manner that it feels like something unknown and we feel lost, yet take an step back and reduce the importance you give to you and how you feel, you will see the layers like an split onion
maybe you don't need to do anything, maybe satisfaction is what you willingly deny yourself, these are hard to consider, even if not true, they may expand the threshold of your understanding
as humans, nothing brings us more happiness and satisfaction than how we treat people and how people treat us, and since this is 2018 and not the dark ages, we have the world of psychology to cement that fact for us

I'd say this is great advice.
Do this and you'll be good Give it time. Get lost there serving others and you'll find yourself again.

I took the OP as a poetry and not necessarily a cry for help. I would assume the OP was venting in his/her own way. Expressing his/her self and putting it out there into the world.

I don't have any advice to add
I kneel in front of you
I offer you my hand

I love you all, thank you from the bottom of my heart.