I cried. So much. I will edit this soon. Changa.

EDIT: So here 'tis.

BIOASSAY:

The Epiphany

I guess i should start this trip report the way i started my first trip report. “Man, where do i begin?”

I was at a friends house, where we were extracting LSA. My friend asked me if i wanted to dose. I wanted to, so i did. I didn’t measure out the dose, just touched the LSA powder with my finger, and then sucked on it. I rushed home before the effects took hold. It was a full moon night, a good night to trip. The LSA had no visual effects, just mental. My thoughts felt more fluid and more natural. I saw the world with increased clarity. So, naturally, i was curious as to what insight changa would give me with this enhanced clarity.

So i decided to go deeper.

I smudged the room, meditated and spoke my intentions to my bonga.

“I want to understand art and music.” Something simple, i thought. Boy was i wrong.

It started the experience by answering my intention to an extent. Gave me incredible inspiration for art and music. I was so overwhelmed by the sentience of what it showed me, that i decided to go even further.

I smoked again and held it in. After letting it go, i started laughing like a lunatic. So many little things seemed rib-crackingly hilarious. I laughed the hardest when i remembered that my old room at my parent’s place still has the splattered basic soup on the ceiling from one of my extraction accidents. I don’t know why, but it seemed like the most funny thing in the universe. I couldn’t stop laughing, tears streaming down my face. I laugh quite a bit in daily life, this was easily one of the hardest laughs i ever laughed. Total maniacal psychotic laughter. Sounded like a stereotypical villain.

Once i began to calm down, it showed me even more inspiration for my art projects. I wish i could talk about them, but it is a secret. For now.

These two trips taught me so much, that i loaded another cone with even more changa, and i said to my bonga “Please, help me cement these teachings in my head”.

The laughter was coming back, but not as intense. I cracked a smile, then the laughter abated, as quickly as it came. My body was being filled with immeasurable rage. Also, it abated just as quick. Then my body was being filled with unquantifiable joy. It also abated.

Suffice to say, i felt every emotion conceivable, all swirling around in this huge cauldron called my body.

It is a strange feeling, to have every emotion bottled up, stewing, boiling and churning. My body was perfectly still, yet on the inside, there was more volatility than a thousand suns.
The more i focused on controlling that chaotic emotional energy, the more natural it felt. Controlling it, that is. My control got to the point where i mastered all emotions and got cocky. “Man, this is easy. Emotions are so stupid and irrational.” And that’s when i lost control. Like a wild animal not OK with being tamed, it lashed back. “Emotions are stupid, eh? Well, HOW STUPID IS THIS!?”
It reminded me how pathetic we little monkeys are. All rationality gone, it left me with only emotions. Once i only had emotions, it took all those away too, except sorrow. It was kind of like Pandora’s Box.

I felt the sorrow of all sentient beings, all crying out in vain. Never have i experienced pain like this. It’s debilitating and crippling. To feel everyone and everything.
I then felt sorrow over the fact that i never properly learned my native tongue, i can only speak colloquially. This turned into a raging ball of anger at my parents for not teaching me as a child. I felt betrayed. “How could they!? Don’t they know how much this means to me!?” Well, they didn’t know, cause i never told them. Again, the rational mind was fast asleep.

At this point, i was shown my entire life with my parents, as a sped up time reel. Watching my parents struggling to put food on the table, having to starve themselves more than a few times so that they could feed me. Watching my mum, a young woman, totally clueless and helpless as to how to raise a child. I was overflowing with joy and gratitude. My face was the embodiment of Niagara Falls. Through this torrent of tears, i kept on repeating this to my self “Thank you Earth Mother, thank you Sun Father. Thank you Earth Mother, thank you Sun Father. Thank you Earth Mother, thank you Sun Father. Thank you Earth Mother, thank you Sun Father.”

The love of the cosmos was permeating through everything.
Before i go on, i’d like to provide my definition of the different types of love. There are 2 types. Romantic and unconditional. Romantic love is what you feel for one person or a few people over others. This encompasses all the romantic aspects of intimate relationships. Unconditional love is the default love that everything possesses for every being in the universe. Familial love is a subset of unconditional love. Not everyone has the same amount of either types of love. Some have neither.

So back to the emotional rollercoaster. I was being filled with eternal love. But the love i no longer want was also finding its way back into my being. I do not want romantic love. I felt it once in my life. It was brutal and unrequited. I fell so hard over her, that i was romantically concussed for years. I still sorta am.
I truly hate the fact that i love her. She has brought me nothing but heartache and misery, and i can’t shake her from my thoughts. When i think of her, there is so much cognitive dissonance. I hate her. I love her. I wish she suffers as much as me. I wish her nothing but joy and happiness. I wish she never existed. I am grateful i got to meet her.

I should also mention something i shoulda wrote in my first trip report. In that report, i met the Spirit of Nature. It was her. The one i loved. Her face was exactly her likeness, especially her eyes. Years after that trip, i kinda understand why i saw her. Because my first and only true love is for Nature. So naturally, DMT just duct taped the face of someone i had feelings for, and whacked it on to a non-physical entity that i also have feelings for.

The dissonance was getting more and more intense. It hurt. A fucking lot. It was on par with, or even worse, than the pain of all sentient beings. Love is hurt, Love is loss, Love is pain. Love is empathy. Love is the wish that others never feel that pain.

The dissonance grows. Sanity being untethered, dancing on the precipice of delirium. All emotions flooding back in, coalescing into a chaotic vortex. “Sanity? What’s that? Can i eat it?” Overcome by vengeful psychotic laughter, followed by painful euphoria, melancholic happiness, suicidal joy, blissful rage, ecstatic apathy etc.




I woke up the next morning, not realising i fell asleep. My body was quivering from the memory and experience.

I came to a conclusion after all that. A conclusion many would not encourage, since it may very well be toxic. Romantic love ain’t for me. I’m ok with the memory of her. Training myself so that every time i think of her, i get constant reminders that pursuing selfish romantic love is a colossal waste of time. Other people may want/already have it. Good for them, i don’t care.
Only love worth cultivating is unconditional love.

I thought some suspenseful music was in order. The anticipation is so thick, you could cut it with a knife!

Yup, now we're in limbo. You can't leave us hangin like this

changa

Maybe Bodhisativa buried a vial of changa and can't find it anymore?

Just guessing

the anticipation will allow for a richer desc

I hear ya. It's hard not to be moved to tears with the power of it. Looking forward to your report!

So. I wrote it.

Thanks for finally writing this. Enjoyed the writeup.


This line stuck out:

It was truly bizarre. No other words to describe how those conflicting emotions felt.

That is a good write up, it took time but worth the wait thank you.

I am also in a sort of re-orientation process about emotions, what they are, do, mean.
People take them for granted and connect 'Humanity' to emotions, because they say machines have no emotions. That kind of human definition, I cannot relate to this anymore.

I too think emotions are way too far over rated, sometimes I can only see a drugged effect and a drugged addiction to the cultivation or submission to emotions. We take the faces of emotions soo serious while it's often just a means to a bodily effect, thrill. A survival mechanism no doubt so not obsolete, yet in over populated situations this same mechanism will lead to self destroying, restoring natural balance. How many war is fed by emotional motives? Religion fits perfectly for this

I can see them as tools, and those have usually two sides, better learn to wield them. I dig emotion at service, not as my overlord whipping me. Our society is very emotional inspired, the quick hits on smartphone as a constant feeding apparatus. Did you see that? And that? Ding dong the buttons, more, more.... --> Addiction.

Sometimes, often actually, I dive into them to case study them, not so much the issue at hand, but the emotional mechanism as such. Oh yes the plants can help us here

Emotional vessels we are, I hope to evolve to a conscious user of them.
They are such a great subject to study, your report is fine meat for this

Dopamine addiction. Same reason sex sells.


Very nice write up, Psilosopher?, count me among those who eagerly awaited this as well.


This reminds me of the times I've found myself overwhelmed with emotions on the come-up from mushrooms. Crying somehow detoxifies the mind such that I subsequently found myself in the possession of some remarkable abilities, both mentally and physically. (Namely, telepathy and the ability to scale seemingly smooth, vertical surfaces!)