Whever I smoke pot I have a very strong and embarassing experience in front of whoever I am around. I feel like I have to tell them all that I'm feeling. When I smoke weed, all sorts of psychological changes start happening.
Normally I am a materialistic, marxist, athistic, nihilistic person who sees society as doomed ruled by social and behavioral systems. I study this. My brand of what I beleive to be true is to borrow from postmodernism, evolutionary perspectives, critical social theory, with a strong tendancy towards marxism and systems sorts of views.

So throw all this in the garbage. On weed I start talking about how I was never loved as a child. I tell people. "No you don't understand I'm not a real person nomrally I don't feel like a real person when I'm sober"

It's like I don't understand people normally. When I smoke weed was the first time I 'got' somebody. THe first the I had this 'reaction' I suddenly, and 3 other dudes were so high skipping in the rain comming back from a party talking like hippies. It felt so good to slur my words the way they did. I was so high, I finally understood why they 'slured' their words like that. It wasn't a slur, it was like a different way of feeling and comunicating all togehter.

So that's basically it. Every time I smoke weed. I have a very strong reaction that unburies unconscious stuff. A need for love namely. A sadness, and realization that I haven't been myself my whole life. I believe I have been dominated by a false self my whole life, only pretending, acting logical and rational to control the world around me to be safe from others.

When I'm high holy shit do I get scared. I realize they can see me. I'm not invisible I can see them. Things get very real. And I live in a state of almost solipism like detatchment with neurotic tendancy toward a machavelian charm that does indeed get results and let me schmooze well with the boozing ego based crowd.

But every time I smoke weed. I can only have what looks like externally. And I've filmed this. I sound ABSRUD. But to me at the time is SO SO Essential I express what I'm feeling. Like it's the only truth I've ever known is to know my whole life is a lie.

When I get high, an inversion happens. Sober I see the world as, this dumb fucking rock we happened to get stuck on with a lot of stupid and bad people ruled by an arbitrary system of consciouness domination arising out of evolutionary and historical and social conditions. In other words. Pointless. Doomed. Fatalistic. Detatched. Like I'm an alien put here to suffer this nonsense.

When I get high. I snap human or something. I've told maybe 5 people in a freakout session about this. I keep asking them. Do you understand me, Why don't you understand me. I just want somebody to lve or understand me.

I smoke weed, and I'm running into a lot of deep level transpersonal shit. My so called personality is revealed. I understand why nothing the false self does will ever bring me satisfaction. I want to look at someone and see them. I want to really be loved. I remembered while high, meditating, dealing with painful childhood memories and having a sense that as young as 2 I remember things being terribly wrong in the world. As if I've never lived a dman day in my life only lived in fear.

I smoked weed and wham, a realm of newfound sexual humaness stop and smell the flowers groove with the music, lets build hedon on earth sort of sensation sets in.

And just as strangely it wears off. It's like a shizoidal split but it's not. One part of my brain tells me, it's some type of strong reaction to the weed caused by it. Yet my strongest intution is to know I'm some pretty fuckign damnaged goods and weed seems like the only way out. I want to become human. Like a hippie or a child or something on weed.

But it just looks psycho nuts to people. They're like "I don't want to have to take you to the emergency room man, are you sure you're ok?"
And damnit I am.
Only on weed can I feel enough to even go there. To even cry. Like a whole emotional world. A lifetime of snapshots with no identity. I am a true shizoid.

Another memeory at 8 or so is promint of me having a birthday party. I thought I was one person the whole party, but here I am, 8 years old horrified of what I see. I hate myself. I can't recognize myself. And here it goes deeper. Doing work in front of the mirror. I don't understand myself. I don't understand what I am. This mystical stuff. Is it insanity or should I rationalize it away with a theory drug it away. Hell no.

I went 9 months without pot because I didn't have a hook up, and living at home, parnets are huge part of this. And it made things so much worse. Almost psychotic. I'm doing my 'weed' work again and it is improving. I'm trying to learn to feel again and such.

With my parents. My family is what RD liang (yes i've done my homework here) woudl call a shizoid family. I have memories of the going ballistic turning into hideous monsters emotion pouring into me like a PTSD panic attack. My parents are crazy. They are destroying at me yelling at me. I loved them, this image of them. But now they have turned into monsters who can explode. They cannot see me, or they would see what it does to me inside I beg them to stop. But they don't. All I can do is detatch, not feel to survive. Thus the shizoid is born.

And I never did anything wrong. I was a 4.0 in school I always watched the adults to look for cues on how to please them. Yet here they are crazy yelling at me and I just keep wondering. Why don't they understand me. Maybe someday somebody will understand me I keep thinking. And it's like I'm 2 or 3, some part inside of me is stuck at that age, still searching for love. Like until this 'love blockade' is done I will continue to be highly detatched cold and neurotic. I cried watching the movie AI because it was the little boys fantasy to have the one perfect day where he had his mothers love, after milenia of waiting in his conscious grave under the sea. That was my fantasy. To have that.

I remember also being bullied serverely in school. One day I snapped. I started hating everyone and still do. It's why I do social theory. To destroy people. To turn them into abstractions, irrelevencies, fatalistic, random, unimportant. Similar, grouped into the nonsense of humanity heading over the cliff.

So there is this whole shitstorm world on weed that needs to be adressed. I know it's there whem I'm in sober 'commando mode' I like to call 'him' where I deal with the world in a very aggressive proactive way. I treat people just to manipulate them. I don't care about them at all. I can't ove anyone. I can't feel fucking shit at all. Only pain. I hate everything.

And my parents. I stopped loving them at 12 or 13 no one was ever let in in any emotional sense or way after that. I would get good grades and they would say "I love you" and it would get me so bad inside I didn't want to say it. I LOATHED saying it so much because I didn't lov ehtem, nothing was ok. But I had no choice but to say I love you back. I lived in this lonely world for so long. Weed was a new way. To be human for once in my logical strange life. I felt like some sort of artistic emotional bohemina writer waking up or something. But I had some injuries and the magic faded over these 9 months.

I had wandered hoplessly in niaeve un-awake atheisim before I found weed. Finding weed was like finding the reason people smiled. I had NEVER UNDERSTOOD. Nobody ever showed me how, or that IT WAS OK. My #1 rule of survival for the past 22 years had been to never reveal a damn thing to anyone. Like waging a private shizoid war on the world.

I got stoned tonight and had another 'freakout' dunno if this resonates with anyone.

Basically I was really straight shooter, affraid to leave my comfort zone at all, thoguht drugs were bad, had not tried alcohol until 18, in college, had not tried weed until 20 ecause I thought it made people 'stupid'. How ignorant I was.

So this is my strange tale. What does it mean? Why does weed do this to me?
I know it's all over the place. But it's better that way if I just write it streamwriting, as some wierd confession as I think over my latest antics high. I realize, and feel this terrible shame over how absrud I looked. And so lonely to know they didn't understand. It only scared them. No one understood how good I wanted to be inside. All this love I wanted. This hope. To start over. Clens the sins. I get these biblical ideas and I LOATH the bible and that sort 'SHIT' normally. sober. whatever you call that strange person I am. Pot unleashes some sort of poet or a madman. If I'm mad let me know. If I make sense let me know. I'm just gonna put this out here tell me what you think.
22 years old paranoid social theorist isolationist when sober
vs
22 year old, want to do everything learn everything over for the first time stoned. I want to paint and scult, and do body work and dance, and everything is fucking human. Like some sort of battle cry to BE HUMAN is the only way to describe this intution I keep getting.

It 180's me, every fucking time. Doesn't matter how cynical I am. How pissed I am at all the things I hate so much normally. Strange hugh. Not quite sure what to do with life. I hate society in a way that I feel the only way to express that is in some kind of writing or project that strikes at the core of what society considers so sacred. I want to turn it's cynicism against. I have a thoery called nihilstic aggression. Where to win in any capitalist scenario the goal is to show the greatest nihilistic aggression possible. I could explain that further but, that's just a taste of my own epistemic world I've created. On the other hand. It's so impractical. I'm pretty sick here. I've had chronic fatigue syndrome after pnemonia and mono for 12 motnhs and it makes doing laundry even hard. Suddenly it seems I'm not so up to the challenge. I feel devoid of life all the time. The hope and wonder of my highs had changed into a sort of horror that it is of no practical benefit. But I can't live my life as a robot doing hte next logical thing. It's too tiring, too empty, I'm tired already. Every day is tirendess. I look forward to taking some valium or ambien before bed and spacing out to some music before retiring. That's about all I have left it seems. Very sad. I used to feel eden was within my grasp.

9 Am now. I'm awake. I remember last night. I tried to block it the best I can but, but I admit I wrote all that. I wake up sick as hell, poor sleep from the valium. Lonely. Ashamed. I can hardly eat aything yet am starving. I feel like crying but I can't feel anything so no release there. I have a doctor I go to but I'm not sure how to explain this. Everything is getting me. The sickness, the hoplessness in my life, the feeling that I have no idea 'What to do with life' is getting worse. And I can't even get weed as I've said really which makes it better in the sense that I can eat make some pogress. The valium I have now is taking me in the wrong direction. I've also started taking synthroid which messes with mood and metabalism as well. This sucks.

I'm starving but I get dry heaves. No one cares. I've had plenty of expensive medical tests. At this point I'm out of control. I smashed my cell punching it as hard as I could last night again and again, smashing it. I had been desperate to get weed in the normal routes and so on, I got ripped off $60 by a guy who had bought from successfully twice, which was just baffeling why he would just take my money. Probably figured he was sick of getting weed for me and saw a quick way to make 60 bucks.

So I was desperate last night, I 'used' whoever had herb and basically smoked and and had my usual reaction. Some dude I met on craiglist who was hoping I was gay or something which I wasn't. We talked a bit, smoked, and I hoped he'd understand. It went well or so until I started telling him a lot of different things 'freaked' this guy out. So blew my potential weed source. I left an email apologizing explaining my condition, but I think he is affraid I'm some sort of nut or that I might get violent or something, or that weed makes me shizophrenic or something.

To sum up my condition which is both physical and mental. I have chronic fatigue syndrome. Will be a year this Febuary. Everything hurts, everything sucks. I hate everything. Everything hurts. Eating is ardeous, gross, exhausting. A few bites and I can barely eat more. Having a conversation requires a lot of effort and a fake front that I'm ok. Having the energy to do the laundry leaves me out of breath. I sit in my room scared to go outside. I had other goals but they see unreachable, my brain is fried or something, in it's ability to do practical things. I feel this is some sort of spiritual crisis or something.

And I'm not manic or hypomanic or bipoloar or things like that. I'm not running around doing things. I simply am unable to do much in life anymore other than think about it. Thinking is all I have left, and somtimes thinking seems like it is really slipping as well. Really all I can do is work on these sorts of writings and ideas in my head at this point. Which I don't like enjoy. I read this and it sounds ugly, like complainng and ranting. I hate what I wrote last night, part of me does. But I'm glad, to tell the truth for once.

And here I am. Was a 4.0 student in HS, I had shining hopes for the future. I didn't bargain for this. The world is a fucked up place. The weed didn't start this if you're wonderng. The weed brought what I was doing to my attention. The weed made me realize I'm almost aspergers or something around people normally. Getting sick with CFS just made faking it impossible. Before I was able to fake my way though life. Now I can't. Which means I've lost all control.

Anyway I'm bored with today already. It's 9am or so. I'm exhuasted top. I just woke up. I have a whole day to waste, but my old ways of coping with life don't work anymore. I can't stand to play any more video games to just let my body rot away in my room. Any ideas? I figured peole here would have way better ideas than going to the head shrinker or something truly hopeless like that.

Speaking Last time I went to one, the lady says I was nice young man, and nothing tripped her sense about me at all. I told her I had trouble sleeping and had some ambien I used to blackout each night for 60 days. I'd wake up with almost no memory of the previous day no integration. It's like a timeless sense of torture. All self processes have shut down. Now I am a freak.

The best way I can put it is that I no longer get it. Life or people. I don't understand others. I don't understand society in any positive conception. I don't understand myself or who to talk to or what to communicate or say. I feel nullified and anti-social in my heart. But I pretend to be like the normal citizencry outside episodes like this. I pretend to be ok, just to survive.

The really hardcore logical voice inside my head wants to say something like this "See, here's why you can never trust anyone to understand you. They can't get it ever. People are wired to only accept certain positive social messages and actions, anything outside of that is too outside their comfort zone. You just had a fantasy that someone would understand you. You knew they wouldn't logically but you tried anyway"

Or something like that. I know this is long. Like some sort of live journal sillyness emo kids might write. Only it's not so silly. What I've told here is honestly my life experience. To many it makes me damnable. I just want someone to accept or understand all this. It's that recurring fantasy of some unconscious part of me or something. But it's also what makes me recoil against modern life that it can't fulfill my wishes to feel human. Instead I see life as a perversion. secular, cold, hopless, beaurocratic, loveless uncompassionate, having lost it's mind. ect. You know the shpeel.

-NS

Hello NewShaman,

To me it looks you are in the need of someone around you who understands al the "freakish" thoughts and feelings of yours.

Do understand that about all people go through this reality check fase (to give it a name). Most of them come out unharmed and start living their life, others need more time, a lot more time. Also there are people who are stuck in the middle to say so, they got a grasp of REAL reality but can't put the finger on it. They have a hard time explaining their feelings and thoughts to other people because it's like explaining colours to a blind person. I think you are such a person who touched the REAL reality but can't figure it out yourself.

I had about the same experience, just a little bit different (of course). I know I'm different to the average person. I behave different, I think different, I just AM different. I can pretent to be a normal person but I know for fact I aint.

I accepted that fact and one day a seed was planted in my brain. The seed that told me to take Ayahuasca to get a better understanding of everything (in my life at certain moments these seeds are planted in my brain somehow, most of them have lifechanging results).

What had to be done was done and the Ayahuasca opened another reality, even harder for the average person to grasp but for me so more real as compered to this act of life I was used to behave like.

After the Ayahuasca experiences my life changed a lot! I stopped doing really meaningless jobs, I met my current girlfriend who I'm sure of is for life (another seed planted in my brain told me this when I met her for the first time), she's also different and although we don't speak exactly the same reality-language it's close enough. And of course I started doing the technical part of the DMT-Nexus.

What I'm trying to say (I think) is that it's never too late to change your life into something wunderfull with a prupose of meaning. But remember that the initiator it all has to be YOU! Only YOU can make that change. I needed an Ayahuasca journey for it but for you it can be something completly different. Follow your heart and your intuition and things might work out.

Good luck finding your answers and place in this fast and seemingly crazy universe.


Kind regards,

The Traveler

p.s. I wrote this before you added the extra part into your last post

Yeah that's a good analogy. Why doesn't anyone else see it what would I keep asking. Also I've felt a bit like a watcher most of my life. Like I had a lot of intiution even as a child on these matters. I saw it all happen. My whole life. I, or the watcher, I saw it all.

At frst I was having the Bone E Fide mystical experience of sorts form little old weed. I'd watch my friends smoke huge amounts and not be affected too much. Want to kick back and watch South Park. This was like 2 years ago. I am sitting there and realize that I don't like these people at all. Or south park. It's not funny to me. it doesn't 'work' on me anymore.

So I go outside onto the porch And am just in awe of the sky. It's a magic spring night bit humid, mid 70s or so full moon, clouds moving and being illuminated by the moon in just the right way. The earth has a wonderful smell about it. Wonderful. Like i've never noticed what home smelled like. I feel this part of me in that understands the vastness of the night sky, the mystery of life. I feel this incredible sense of my origins as I look at he sky and the moon light on the clouds produce all sorts of beatiful pictures in the night sky I understand I'm seeing the sky as men in other tmes did. As vast, as infinite, beatiful, as if god was up there. I finally understood what the poets had spoken about and seen. I understood that before the secular mindset and egoed persona some watcher inside us somehow knew things on a deeper level.

I would go out for a while with optimism that I'd get high, sort of reach this point, and someone else would reach it too. And we'd both know. It was like authenticity at a deeper level, putting down all the barriers. And I was ok with that.

Times were good back then. It used to treat me very very good. But after going 9 months without weed, I had started to take life far too seriously. I fell into my old ways.

Now something inside me fights the effects of weed hard. I want the change to happen, I want that emotion to flow oever me, love or something. But it scares me. Feelings scare me and so I describe it as 'being locked up'. I have anxiety and depersonalization.

I agree with what you said. Despite how bad I make everything 'sound' it feels a lot better just to get it out of my system. I've had an itution that something like LSD or MDMA would push past what scares me. MDMA being the easier drug to take for this kind of work as I understand. I actually do have MDMA which I managed to buy. Two pills, no idea what's in them for sure, actually or when I will take one of them. But I think it may be a catalyist of sorts.

I'm also hugely fascinated by the idea of LSD. My conception of an acid trip for me is that I would absolutely freak out. That everything that scares me mentally would happen. I would re-live aspects of childhood. i would find out what I was scared of.

With weed. I get a strong fear now. Which I fight, but I thnke I need to feel that fear, to go into it, to be totally terrorized, out of control, so I can stop running from it and 'let it happen'. I think a few hours in, it would open into something beyond any conceptions I have of myself or what this s all about. I'm not sure how I could come back the same. That scares me a bit.

People like me, who are marxist, atheist, systems men, behaviorists, fruedian sort of perspective have this mindset where confidence comes from feeling that you know all of these objective infallable facts about the world, about people, and systems and social behavior and so on.

I'm gonna find this Terrence Mckenna quote addresses my feelings so well.

"Though my conclusions may sound as flaky as anybody else's, it was hard for me to get this flaky. I didn't embrace it. I was forced to it. And this method works, you see. I mean, there are two ways to get flaky: you can just GET flaky, which takes no effort at all, you just announce you're a walk-in, start eating wheat-grass juice and tithe to Maitreya; or you can get flaky by testing the edges, by stretching the envelope of being. And this works for the most hard-headed among us. The aerospace-insurance-adjuster-mentality is not only who I am speaking to, but who I feel I represent. No kidding, really. At age 18 I was a Marxist, an Existentialist, I had ambitions in the field of aeronautical engineering. I discovered that you can take that kind of a mentality out into the theatre of real experience and you can come back a space-bunny just like everybody else. So what that means then is that a "straight" person - and I speak as someone from the 60s with apologies to all our gay friends who later appropriated that word, because when I say straight I mean "unstoned" - a straight person is not a guardian of truth or probity. A straight person is simply a frightened, proto-flake."

And I love his take on alcohol.
"IOW it makes you into a jerk."

Peace.
-NS

Currently, Re-listening to some of Tk's talk called "Seeking the stone". I'm hearing it on a deeper level. It's helping me a lot actually. I used to thnk he was a bit flakey or was too skeptical to understand. But now I'm really hearing the message. This stuff is nuts, but I think in a good way.

NS, I both know and understand where you are coming from. Suffice it to say, dollars to donuts you don't have CFS. CFS is a manifest symptom of depression in denial. I'm not talking about bipolarism; you can have depression without mania. Reading through your journaling, I felt like I found some of my own. You are correct though in assuming that a shrink won't help the problem, but they can help the process. The only way to emerge from a spiral like it sounds you are in is to pull yourself out of it. As pointless and futile as it may seem to you, and regardless of how you like the world. Nature has her own rules, and if you don't play at least within them, it's no good. Some of the things you think about are often the topic of discussion amongst my peers, if you ever feel like opening a dialogue I'd be more than happy to participate.

Yeah I know. The rules of reality. It's hard for me to know how to act out there. I can either 'be myself' in a real sort of way. Try and tell people about some of my interests Or just dull it down. And be an easily recognizable pop cultural conception. I'm pretty good at being invisible and aloof. I was a lot better at all that acting before I got sick.
Once I got sick I can't fake it as much. I need real support I need people who I can tell the truth to.
I'm not sure what to do about the many physical and cognitive symptoms that I'm having. These started before any drugs were involved. Something like folding laundry is hard. And TV is out. I hate TV so much.
I need to get stronger somehow but things are hard right now.

Hey NewShaman,

All I can say is that I relate entirely and am not entirely sure whether I was born with Aspergers or whether it developed as a result a bad childhood. I haven't been officially diagnosed with aspergers, but after reading up on it it would seem likely that I have it (or act and behave like those with it.. I don't really believe in that sort of "disease". I also did the online test and scored 38 which is VERY high. My "awaking" to the spirit world was also triggered by pot, and my boyfriends discovery of who he really is and that he has been lying to himself was also due to pot. I got him to read your story last night and he related to it all just like I did. Sometimes I worry that I think too much and worry about stuff and that I will end up insane. I have lost my mind once before and ended up having a psycosis for 3 days. During which it seemed more like a shamanic vision. I have read many many articles that related schizophrenia with shamanism. Or at least, the "shamans" in our society these days likely end up labeled as schizophrenics.

I have a few more issues that make it harder for me. On top of the issues you have raised, I also am highly empathic but have no clairvoyance other than visualization. Basically, when I get stoned I feel energy and I am very sensitive to it. I often feel what I can only describe as "entities" trying to get inside me, or swim though me - and constantly have to push them away. Because I can't see any of this, I really have no idea what it is or how to relate. If everyone had access to a shaman, the world would be much saner. I for one would be grateful, because I am unsure of this stuff that happens to me. I am also not a fan of the 'new age' stuff, knowing it was established by the freemasons as a disinformation source. So spirituality in general IS NOT something one can pickup a book and learn about, because mostly people have no clue. People just think they know. What they don't realize is that just because they "channel" a being, that doesn't mean the being is good - it also doesn't mean the being even exists. Its still entirely possible that its purely their imagination. Well, i hope its not - I really do hope there is an afterlife / spirit realm - but the simple fact is that no one has really been able to convince me. The only way I can find out is to go there, and for now I am steering clear of ayahuasca as I am not ready yet. But I feel the time is approaching.

Issues that are effecting me:
- Aspergers, I focus on small details, get really obsessed with specific topics and talk about them non-stop, loose sight of things sometimes, can't make friends easily, the list goes on. I would say I had mild to medium aspergers but I am not gullible like severe cases.
- Seemingly being influenced by something, unsure what it is, something that makes it very hard to change and does everything in its power to see that I don't.
* Possible causes of this something are:
a) Deep rooted childhood issues created a shell that is "protecting" me (like you describe above).
b) Entities have attached themselves to me, feeding off negative energy and purposly feeding thoughts to keep me in a "negative" state in order to feed.
c) T. Gondii (http://2012.tribe.net/thread/b24c5099-cca9-4aed-bc0b-2e75e530e0f6 is an article I wrote about that)
d) A DNA manipulation program based on frequency wave generation has been setup and the same set of information is being broadcast over and over effecting everyone on the planet in a "subtle" way. The results eventually change the individual to being a negative mindset and make them easier to control An individual that has lost their connection with the source is; Hopeless, Depressed, Ashamed, Suicidal, Alone.. All that is required to be separated from the source is to switch to a negative mindset. To be positive is to be connected to the cosmos, to be negative, is simply the off state. The illusion of reality itself was apparently created when a tiny stream of consciousness got lost in the darkness and forgot it was "everything", becoming disconnected. Fear is the path to the "Dark side" and disconnection and lack of empathy and a general hate towards your fellow man is the result.



Cheers,

Rhomber

That's how to cure everyone - take them back to their source !

You say it so well;

" An individual that has lost their connection with the source is; Hopeless, Depressed, Ashamed, Suicidal, Alone.. All that is required to be separated from the source is to switch to a negative mindset. To be positive is to be connected to the cosmos, to be negative, is simply the off state. The illusion of reality itself was apparently created when a tiny stream of consciousness got lost in the darkness and forgot it was "everything", becoming disconnected. ..."

This is how it should be taught to all children !

Which reminds me of this book (you can 'watch' it !)-

http://becomingme.com/

I don't think I've agreed with someone so conclusively in an extremely long time...I don't have Asperger's at all (AFAIK) but as far as being an empath and all of those experiences you describe, spot on. I have to say though, the thing that 'convinced' me that there is certainly something going on behind the scenes here was when a peer of mine and I successfully experienced what is called 'psychic dreamwalking' (Link) which is very much like astral projection...but it was such a profound experience, and the more I continue both my oneironautical and psychonautical research, the more things are correlating and the more patterns are starting to emerge.