It had been many years since I last took spice in 2012 when I was just a young man on the cusp of legal adulthood while going through many changes in my life. Now, in retrospect, I feel as if my daring advances into hyperspace were characteristic of a certain naivete, curiosity, and cavalier attitude that ONLY me when so young could have. after about a 4 year break from spice, having had about 20-30 DEEP vape trips(taking absolutely as much as i could take in order to break through) during the last time i was doing it, I find that that amazing feeling of having traversed the universe, seeing impossibly beautiful things, and the contemplations and fearlessnes that ran through my mind consequently for years have finally come to a stagnation point. Therefore I now feel a yearning and a readiness to go back to that holy place and see what Spice now has in store for me at this point in my life, but getting back into it has presented more personal challenges than I had thought it would. Hence the "motivation" part of this question's title.
quick background on these challenges: In order to prepare for advances in hyperspace, I thought it would be a good idea to vaporize sub-breakthrough, relatively small doses like 10-15 mg or so. Each time it was done effectively in one very very large lungfull, holding it in for about 20 seconds. Each time it has left me bamboozled, frantically wondering what's happening, fearing that i am "NEVER coming back" and then fighting the experience until i'm able to look around and reassure myself that I am in my body on earth as the human being that I have been all my life.
So, basically, i am afraid, and not getting much out of the experience consequently because of my fear. Is there anything you guys could relate to in this that you have experienced for which you might have insight, help, etc. to Relieve that fear and be able to truly endure the experience and get as much out of it as I know i am capable of? I have been contemplating taking spice Orally to produce a more manageable, memorable experience, but this spikes fear to me that if i get scared in a vaped trip, how about in an oral trip where it will last 10x longer!? you can see my point here, why i'm hesitant to take it orally before I can have a successful vape trip. My reasoning is, if you're not ready for a short, vaped dose, you sure as hell aren't ready for a LONG oral dose. Having said this, I still am very hopeful, and maintain a sense of amazement and excitement in my memories and embrace the FACT that DURING the EXPERIENCE you are dis-embodied, de-egoed, and can but may not neccesarily have to become ONE with a 'landscape' of sorts which replaces all consensus reality. This is OK for me, this is why i love spice, because it offers a glimpse at the realer-than-real, gives a glimpse into what i can say is only divinity or imperceptible higher states of being. How can i make sure that there are no negative side effects from a future journey into these realms? How can i assure myself that I will come back to this dimension? Okay, so that's my question: What are some methods the more experienced members would recommend to create MOTIVATION to go into the Experience with confidence and gusto, to avoid wanting to come back before it's over, etc??
Here's my second question: Could the language of Mathematics be the most accurate language for describing the experience? I have always been pretty adept at mathematics and am re-learning my advanced highschool math in college right now so i can take advanced college maths, and I am learning about how shapes are made from points on lines created out of equations. Shapes, equations, lines, all sounds like things that fit in the Hyperspace experience, right!? There's no doubt that the language of mathematics has some very very peculiar and inexplicable implications in nature, such as the natural logarithm, the ELLIPTICAL PATTERN OF SOLAR ORBITS, etc. etc.
So, in order to more fully understand this experience, might we start to look at it as a mathematical construct, instead of trying to condense it into a verbal, emotional, descriptive combination of words in a human language? I have a feeling that mathematics is kind of like "the language of the universe". Languages vary from country to country, meanings differ, some that exist in one language don't exist in others, some have relatively few characters, others have a TON of characters, yet mathematics is the same in every country and language, all the numbers always are the same, pi is always the same, the equation of a circle, an ellipse, a square, it's ALWAYS the SAME!
Could a deeper understanding of mathematics, lead to increased capability for understanding the experience? Could an attitude change towards viewing and recounting the experience in terms of mathematics instead of color, emotion, and language lead to an increased recollection, memory, and understanding of this experience!? I am thinking this could very well be the case but have yet to master mathematics nor test this hypothesis.

So there ya have it, those are my questions. thanks for reading and I hope you can help me with my first one and for the second I hope it wasn't too theoretical/odd, hope it got you thinking in perhaps a new or exciting way, hope you enjoyed it, and I REALLY hope that you can RESPOND BELOW!! these are very SERIOUS QUESTIONS TO ME!! i think they might be serious to all interested in hyperspacial advancement, and if you think these questions are not important to hyperspacial advancement I would like to know why. Thank you for reading again.

As strange or as counter intuitive as it may seem, sometimes beating the fear IS my motivation. It is something that I have to overcome with every DMT journey and I am always incredibly relieved afterwards. My fear has often left led me to not take the plunge at all even if I'd been planning it for days/weeks.

What is funny is that I don't really know what I'm fearful of, perhaps it is just the pure intensity that is harrowing...? I haven't quite put my finger on it. Nevertheless, to overcome these feelings I load up my device and get comfortable in low light. I focus on my breathing and my intentions, which usually involves some sort of mantra designed to comfort me into believing everything will be fine. In the end, I'll be back in a few minutes. After a while, I can usually muster up enough courage to do it. The key is that I take my time. There have been times where I've laid in bed for over an hour before I gained the confidence to hit the bong (changa is my preferred ROA).

Speaking of hits, I always make sure to get it all in one hit mostly because I can't function well after that point and I don't like giving myself the option to chicken out on the second or third hits. One hit quit, FTW!

After that point I lay down under my blankets and close my eyes while trying to embrace whatever happens. I try the "Buy the ticket, take the ride" sort of mentality and constantly remind myself that this is what I wanted... good, bad, or otherwise.

For me, it boils down to fear vs. curiosity, an internal battle. All in all, it has always been worth it in the end so I try to find solace in that.