I will continue using it. I have realized there is something that I do not wish to let go of, and when I finally let go fully, it will be amazing. Until then, it will be horrifying.

I will give it a chance, but if I do not experience a loving experience by the time my supplies are out (I have 100g of mimosa, 2 spice trips, 90mg-100mg of telepathine, 3 pharma trips, and a spice trip that I heavily diluted for sub-breakthrough experiences till my body gets used to the hectic vibrations.) then I will not restock.

You need a psychiatrist, not drugs.

Edit: or maybe you need some other kind of drug.

Cool beans, my friend. I hope it finds you well.

I have no idea if this applies in your case but I want to put it out there.
That just because when you smoked DMT, you didn't experienced that blissful place of eternal beauty and love that other people did;
It doesn't necessarily mean that there's anything wrong with you or that you need to change yourself in order to conform to the experiences of others.

There are many ways to many places and at each moment, you have your own choices to make.

There's nothing wrong with taking a break and regrouping. Time gives one a chance to reflect more objectively. Something else that helped me and this is gonna sound really odd. While peaking I hit myself in the eyes with lids closed with a strong flashlight. I dont know why but it's like changing the channel for me. When I am stuck in the loop of the same experience it does wonders.

Also a drastic change of setting can make a big diffrence.

Very, very true...the difference between being outside in nature and inside are one example of a drastic change that can affect the experience.

I am waiting for the perfect time, in the perfect place, when I am ready to take the red pill and experience whatever inconvenient or convenient truth that is out there. When the time is right, I will know, it is now, or never.

As is the time of day that you smoke. If you wanna have a real interesting journey set a alarm to go off in the middle of the night while you are dead asleep and have a pipe loaded by the bedside. Take a hit while you are still groggy. The brain has a totally different chemistry at this time and the experience will be like finding a new DMT.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” ~Frank Herbert (Dune)

I've only partaken of the spice 5-7 times and every time it had been absolutely magnificent and left me wondering why was I afraid??? Then even so every time I try to think I'd go there again I'm so scared I have a really hard time deciding to actually do it. My last go was so awesome but also so intense I haven't been able to muster up the fortitude to go since. I want to go just can't break my fear enough to pack it up. Its just so vast I know I'm just a speck in an infinite ocean and it scares me so but then again it was pure love all the way through and that's nothing to be scared of really. The whole thing is a conundrum...

I've definitely had some difficult mushroom journeys before in which simply going outside slapped me in the face with the beauty that is mother nature. Completely flipped the trip on it's head in the most positive way imaginable. It went from thought looping agony to "OMG, it is so NICE out here...!"

In respect to DMT, I usually trip in my bedroom but when I smoke in the living room (or anywhere else for that matter) it is like smoking on a different planet (pun probably intended ). It just goes to show how much set and setting really can affect the outcome of a trip, be it DMT or any psychedelic. I'm not saying that every time I smoke in my bedroom, the results are the same, far from it actually. What I'm saying is that the familiarity and comfort of the bedroom allows for me to ease into the experience better.