PRE-CONDITIONS
(mind)Set: Calm
(physical condition) Set: Relaxed
Setting (location): My Room
time of day: 22:00
recent drug use: None
last meal: 18:00 Light Meal

PARTICIPANT
Gender: m
body weight: 115 kg
known sensitivities: None
history of use: Somewhat experienced in psychedelics - This was my highest dose of DMT Yet

BIOASSAY
Substance(s): Freebase DMT
Dose(s): 20-22mg Possibly a little more that was left over in the machine
Method of administration: vaporized (machine)


Intensity (overall): 3
Evaluation / notes:

OPTIONAL
Pleasantness: 2
Unplesantness: 2
Visual Intensity: 4
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AFTER-EFFECTS
Hangover: 1 - "Partly Cloudy" for a day or so.
Afterglow: 2 - Felt upbeat and happy.

[u]
REPORT
I know this is a pretty long report. I'm writing it for my own records, so I go into more detail than what might normally be included for general consumption. I'd be interested in hearing anyone's thoughts on it though.

I took one medium sized hit, held it as long as I comfortably could, exhaled, took a couple of breaths then proceeded to take another long, slow, hit. This time I could see thick vapor collecting in the machine. I started to hold it in, but I sputtered a bit and a small cloud of vapor/smoke came out. I knew I was in for a ride. I sat, holding it in until my vision started to change (about 10 seconds). I felt as though I was backing out of reality and a layer of colorful shifting shapes started to superimpose itself on my surroundings.

I laid back on the pillows and continued to hold my breath for another few seconds and closed my eyes. I could feel it building to a level that was an order of magnitude more intense than any of my previous experiments with this substance. I had a brief “WHAT DID YOU DO ?!?” moment before I was completely separated from reality and pulled into a void, where I had no body and the only thing that seemed to exist was a the equivalent of a 360 degree view of twisting, flowing, shifting, blooming, shapes and forms that replaced all other sensory input. I say it was the equivalent of a 360 degree view because there was no sense of direction or dimension. I had no body. It felt more like my consciousness was receiving a feed of raw and unsorted information. It was incredibly intense. I did my best to try to relax and simply observe, but even formulating this simple plan was difficult. The constant barrage was overwhelming. It’s difficult to say, but I feel this point was approximately 10-15 seconds after I closed my eyes.

It was at about this point that I became aware of what I felt was another consciousness in sharing the reality with me. It didn’t have any recognizable physical form but seemed to be somehow encoded in the constant fluctuation of the imagery I was seeing. It communicated with me through the movement of the shapes and figures. I also seemed to just be aware of its thoughts. I had an impression of the personality of this other consciousness. It was masculine, confident, and it seemed to be trying to help me cope with my new condition. This “entity” seemed very familiar to me, but I’ll get back to that.

I was starting to feel quite disoriented at this point. I had no sense of a physical form and in a way there was no differentiation between myself and the endlessly shifting and flowing shapes. I was starting to feel a sort of existential seasickness, not being able to “land on” anything. I could still remember my “real” life and I tried to think about familiar images and people in an increasingly desperate attempt to ground myself. The entity was telling me to let go, and every time I thought about something comforting and familiar, the thought would twist and morph away from me into the ocean of information. The entity was not unfriendly, and seemed to be legitimately understanding of the difficulty I was having navigating this landscape. It felt similar to a parent teaching a child to ride a bike, cheering for me and providing support but ultimately leaving me to feel it out on my own. The also seemed to be a bit of good-natured “It’s not so easy, is it?” thrown in.

This went on for some time, reflexively grabbing onto some memory, having it twist and turn out of my hands (metaphorically speaking) , grabbing onto the next thought, and so on. I really was doing my best to just let go, but this cycle seemed to be out of my control. There was a part of me that was thrashing around trying to grab onto anything familiar and comforting, even if it was just a thought. At this point, not only did thoughts seem to be the only thing I had, but they were the only thing I was. “I” was trying to let go, but I reflexively couldn’t.

This cycle of holding on and slipping away was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and eventually I started to resist the experience altogether. Somehow at this time (maybe 30-60 seconds in), I managed to open my eyes. My room was barely recognizable, looking as if it was caught halfway between the two realities. I was still tripping heavily. Even though the lights were dimmed, the room glowed with pulsing, colored, refracted light. The shifting shapes covered the walls and, all the surfaces of the room were warped and rounded. Despite the more familiar setting, I was still uncomfortable. I was pretty freaked out and the distorted funhouse of reality wasn’t doing much to calm my nerves. I got the impression that by opening my eyes, I interrupted the connection with the entity, but after a few seconds I decided to go back anyway.

I closed my eyes to find that the reality that used to exist there was “broken” somehow. It reminded me of how a video game would react if you yanked the disc/cartridge out in the middle of playing. Everything seemed to be frozen but vibrating, this lasted a few seconds, and then like everything else, the vibrating frozen image morphed into a different set of images and things picked up where they left off. The brief time that my eyes were open was a distant memory that was pulled away and I was caught back in the cycle where I’d left off.

By this time I’d had enough. I was able to communicate to myself that I would only have to deal with this for a couple more minutes or so. I also noticed that I was breathing. I was able to focus on this, which helped me to block out the flood of geometry and I continued to just follow my breath in and out and I calmed down pretty quickly. The strongest of the effects were starting to wear of.

Much more relaxed, I opened my eyes again. There were still some pretty significant distortions to my vision, but I was feeling better and I just laid quietly, looking around and trying to absorb what I’d just experienced. Two questions stood out in my mind;

1. Who or what was the entity? As I said, “he” seemed very familiar to me. Almost like my own “inner voice”. I’ve been able to come up with three possibilities for what that could mean.

The seemingly most obvious choice is that it WAS me. Another aspect of my conscious or subconscious mind, attempting to guide myself through a difficult experience.

Another option is that the voice wasn’t my own, but that of someone/something who is watching over me. For reasons that I won’t get into here, I have some belief in the possibility that someone I used to be very close to could still be in a sort of contact with me and I would hear their “inner voice” often enough that it would be difficult to distinguish from my own. Based on the personality that came through, this seems like a real possibility.

Finally, the third option I’ve considered is that the entity could have been anyone/anything but seemed to be in my own “voice” because it was communicating with me through images and patterns that my own mind had to “translate”. Alien, interdimensional being, angel, god? I have no idea other than the fact that it seemed genuinely interested in helping me achieve…. something? This brings me to my second point…

2. What was the entity trying to get me to do?

I should mention that before I took the DMT I stated that my intention was to have a better understanding of the true nature of reality. Was that exactly what I WAS experiencing? Was I just on the cusp of getting to that point if I could only let go completely? If so, I guess I’m not quite ready to know the secrets of the universe just yet. Looking back, maybe I should have started with a more modest goal. Live and learn.

Maybe I just had to shed the last of my humanity before I’d be able to have a proper meeting with this entity.

It could be anything, or nothing. Anybody’s guess is as good as mine. I’ve been wondering about it a lot though.

I’ll tell you what it feels like to let go of everything you know and love. It feels like dying. Even when you know it’s not for keeps (or at least pretty sure), it’s not an easy thing to do.

The report may sound negative, and parts of it definitely were, but I actually consider it to be a pretty positive experience. I feel like I learned something, even if I’m still not exactly sure what it was.

The next day, I felt a little “slow”, but mostly pretty good. I think I was just a little distracted by all the questions running through my mind. That and the fact that I’m always a little tired and slow on Mondays.

Thank you for this report.

Why do you open your eyes during the trip? I think it is best not to do this. The only result is distraction.

What is the identity and what are the intentions of the entity? No one can tell but finding out is certainly a good reason to get back on DMT.

Hi OneStepBeyond,

This sounds identical to my progressive journey over the last few weeks, even right down to the other male entity. I could be projecting, and we all have different things to take away, but once you do let go I would love the hear what you find.

I am not sure what I actively did to be able to let go of all the thoughts and grounding. I did spend time emptying my mind with mediation (even tried binaural beats), but for the actual trips I didn't feel like it was an active process. Also I was concerned that once I did there would be nothing left to be. But somehow the amount I was grasping on to got smaller each time giving larger glances at what was behind.

And I felt also that the twisting flowing shapes were literally my mind and the things I was holding on to. I guess I was drawn by glimpses of what was behind it.

I had a very uncomfortable one, which left me feeling odd for a week.

If this is the same journey for you as it has been for me I will be really excited to know how it goes. And I can tell you that when I pressed forwards with a clear mind, the place I was in without all of the turbulent shapes in the way is blissful but not boring. Who can tell if this is something new to explore or a one off strange trip, but the timeliness of you posting this is not lost on me.

Thanks for reading it. I'm glad you liked it.

My memory of the events leading up to me opening my eyes the first time is not entirely clear. Around that time in the trip, not only did I not seem to own a pair of eyes, even if I did have them, there would be no location to find them in. Where I was had no dimensions whatsoever. I was just a consciousness being exposed to a feed of information. I wouldn't know how to open my eyes at that point if I wanted to.

I was starting to panic and, back on earth, my eyes probably opened as a reflex. Even then, reality was almost completely unrecognizable due to the heavy distortions. I consciously closed them almost immediately.

The second time I opened my eyes, I was at a point where the trip was starting to ease off, I felt like there was little more to gain from what I was doing, and I was basically ready for that part of the trip to be over.

Really, laying there with my eyes open as I was coming down was pretty nice. I felt very relaxed and serene.

I'll be doing it again, soon enough, I'm sure. If the entity is back and I find out more, I'll post another report.

Thank you for the report, it resonates with me greatly. Particularly, the letting go aspect.

Obviously, it is easier said than done and I still struggle with it nearly every time I take some spice. Mantras and focused breathing have become very important additions in my little pre-flight ritual. It has definitely helped with the chaos I sometimes find within the experience.

Nobody really knows what entities are but I have definitely felt and seen stern, parental, loving, goofy, playful, and even unwelcoming ones. I can't seem to put my finger on what causes the difference in experience or as to why they are there at all except to guide me in some way, be it negative or positive. I would imagine it must have to do with set and setting based on the fact that most of my "darker/scary/difficult" journeys were after I had a couple drinks. I would get a confidence boost from the drinks and irrationally decide to go to hyperspace. Needless to say, I was slapped hard and on multiple occasions for that before I got the picture. After I cut the drinking out of the DMT experience, things started to get much more positive and clear (which are mentioned in my report linked above).

Of course, that is just how things played out for me. For the record, your report didn't come across as negative to me. Most of what you said is something I've experienced too which is interesting...and the way you described the whole thing made a lot of sense, to me at least....so again, thank you for writing!

Hi Upwaysidedown. Thanks for the response.

I just read some of your reports, and the similarities to my own are pretty striking. You go into your background in one of them and we also seem to be at a similar place in "real life" as well.

It's possible that the shapes I was seeing could have been/represented my own thoughts. It was clear that they were some type of information exchange, but whether it was going from or to "me" is difficult to say. Especially when my information seemed to be all I was. When I was being instructed to let go of my thoughts, they did appear as shapes of their own, so I could say that this was at least partially the case. It's so difficult to understand what's happening in "there" though. It's almost all based on gut feelings and intuition.

I have some beginner level type experience with meditation, and some experience with ego loss through the use of other substances (namely Salvia where ego loss is "less voluntary" ). If this situation comes up again, I plan to do my best to let go as completely as I can. I will be writing reports of all my "expeditions" if you are interested. I think this is an important process for me as these memories seem to fade over time and the detail gets lost. That's also why I want to write the reports the day after the trip. It's soon enough to remember the details, but long enough for me to wrap my mind around what happened and what it could possibly mean.

I'll keep an eye out for your reports as well. Not only are the similarities intriguing, but they are interesting in their own right.

Thanks for the input. I'm glad you enjoyed my report.

It does seem to be a common theme that to progress in this other reality, you need to sever your ties to this one. As easy as it seems to be able to just drop it all, there's a survival instinct in there that grabs on tight and it's hard to get past.

I'm undecided on what the entities are and whether or not they exist independently. I'll probably never be sure one way or the other. I do enjoy trying to figure it out though. It's that kind of curiosity that led me to psychedelics in the first place. It's the last unknown frontier. The only unexplored avenue that can be reached by the average person.

When I'm preparing for a trip, I also typically load my device and let it sit for a while until I feel ready. Sometimes I never feel ready, but usually after a short wait, I can get started with little more than a slightly elevated heartbeat. Right before I take a hit I do close my eyes and take a few deep breaths and try to clear my mind. I can see how it would be tempting to drink pre-trip to avoid the nervousness. As an irresponsible youth, I've drank with mushrooms and LSD (not all at once, although I probably would have, given the chance), but not with DMT, or Salvia. From what I understand it just increases your confusion and makes the trip more chaotic.

As I was writing the report, it seemed to me to be coming off more negative than what I remembered the overall experience to be. There's no doubt it was intense - more so than I would have liked at times, but the entity was sympathetic and helpful, and overall it was positive. I believe any negativity was based only on my own resistance to the experience.

Hi OneStepBeyond,

I have not actually traveled since our conversation here, but I have had the most vivid dream which was clearly a message. It was so blatantly Jungian.

I won't go through the whole thing, but the setting was a sit-com based in a school. I was observing the plot which was a kid trying to get the attention of a certain girl. She was in a place that usually the girls hang out, and he had gone in there (with a few friends) to impress her by looking like he was interested in being there and was blatantly trying to show he was doing relaxation and meditation and observing all of the things in that space (which were, strangely, vegetables).

She looked around from her group of friends, but this wasn't working.

He then went back to the dining area, and was hanging with a friend there. An old guy wheels up in a wheel chair, and starts imparting sage advice. He says "You need to dance until you can't hear the music".

--

OK this all sounds pretty random, and like a trip report it doesn't convey the feeling of significance that comes along with some of these things relative to normal odd dreams. Also, there was a lot more to this obviously which for me greatly reinforced this as a very specific message.

The interpretation would be that the girl represents the inner self, or the goal of the journey. The boy is some element of me trying to take part in this journey, and the old guy I would interpret as the mana personality.

But my meditation, mind emptying and interest in the space has not gained me the girl as it were.

I am very interested in his advice. Some of my previous trips have definitely been dances, a more visceral involvement in the environment and its inhabitants. Since I was considering what my next direction and intent should be, this is very interesting. Especially as the mind emptying leads to quite a passive journey.

Thought I should share as it seems we may be on the same journey - hell I think everyone is on this journey, but we just happen to have similar interpretations and medicines to get there.

Do any of the more experienced Nexus denizens have any interpretation or further advice?