Before reading the following, I want to first say thank you for taking the time to read this. I know that it is long, but majority of it was typed around the 12th hr. of coming down from L. Not in any way in a trip mode, but nerves still high, feeling on top of the world, and the norm. Most of the parentheses, not all, are the edits made to the report. I wanted to keep this as authentic as possible, so please try to look past the grammatical errors. I put asterisks in place of profanity, because those words are there for deep expression. I know the rules are not to 'curse', so I put the ****. They are excellent words of expression. In the right context, they can give a sense of feeling that not many other words can. A language that most people including myself don't understand in its entirety, having a problem with the noises coming out of the mouth or put in the mind of us humans, when arranged in a certain way, decided to say, what words would mean what, and if they were generally good or bad. They are words, but anyway (definitely going to get some slack for that, but I like to be honest
..) ...If you have not read my welcome intro to the nexus, I stated that I prefer to type the way I would talk in reality, instead of trying to make myself seem more of a scholar or serious writer. Enjoy!
300ug L at 2000hours. 150mg of N-N around 2300 hours. Vapor genie with some herbals as the base, layered with each other and a new 'blow torch' style lighter with 3tokes.
Reaching that understanding.
The journey is complete. The journey just began.
The journey never started. The journey will never end.
I am going to start by saying I tread incredibly lightly on the subject matter at hand. I release unto you the following description of THE in the most sacred, humble and authentic way I can with every possible aspect of myself, and in the most respectable way possible. I have now, over the course of maybe 3 or so years at the age of 30 this body currently is in, consciously have been embarking on a journey. What journey? Where am I going or what am I looking for? Not sure. Some internal unexplainable innate drive pointed me into a world of endless possibilities.
I come from a Roman Catholic charged upbringing and background. (Currently at the moment seems irrelevant beyond every and all conceivable notion). You could say that there was an attempt to give a somewhat 'sheltered' life, but not as strict or as sheltered as others I would assume. My brother always seemed to go in the direction of taking his scholastics seriously, while I on the other hand was so distracted with the world and myself. I guess you could say that I had some type of attention disorder, whatever that actually means, since I could go into another rant altogether how I don't necessarily agree or believe in disorders, that it is only a child or a human expressing themselves in a way that makes sense for them...See how easily a rant can be? Lol.
Anyway, during the course of my physical life, something always seemed kind of different. My parents did everything they could to provide for me and my brother, and wanted to give us the opportunity to have all the possibilities of achieving and becoming whatever it was or is that we wanted to do. We both were sent to Catholic grade school (elementary), I went on to Catholic high school and he decided on a more public and general high school. I finally crawled out of that structured way of thinking, by researching and studying all of the great minds of the past, seeing the similarities with all main organizations and religions. I now can actually think for myself. The reason I speak on these things I am not really sure of, for now I am simply typing away without trying to have any reasonable understanding.
I began trying to absorb every piece of information that I possibly could, from all different cultures, societies and what have you. The following situation that I somehow got myself into will no longer need to be achieved.(I said that still with the L not completely subsided, and now during the editing with a more sober mind, I am more than likely to embark again, only this time with more preparation and meditation(if that is even possible. Probably not as we all know). I am not exactly sure for all obvious reasons what IT was, or any other possible explanation that can be given to even come close to remotely describing the experience that took place. As far as the knowledge and research could go, I looked into every nook and cranny I could, IGNORANTLY convincing myself that I was making a step further in developing my own sense of some understanding of ALL OF THIS, 'this' being the actual workings and whose and what’s and where’s and how and why and so on and so on about this experience.(Please note, now as I make the edits, I realize that every piece of information and discoveries I have made thus far are vitally important pieces of information, whether accepted or not. There is really no such thing as BAD information. All information is simply that. More information. More tools for the tool belt. Taking the information, analyzing it, and making an intelligent decision whether or not I could or would accept it as having some basis for some type of truth. The only kind of information I tend to stay away from is misinterpreted information. For even though all perceptions of reality can be vastly different between us all, I, for myself, believe there can still be a fundamental basic underlying truth in all things, if it can be properly sought out.)
After THE experience, I have come to realize that I have been completely missing the mark in every way shape or form. I am so beyond any possible explanation or understanding of what THAT was in comparison to any other previous notion or idea about ANYTHING in regards to THE ACTUAL WORKINGS OF THIS PROCESS OF EXISTENCE. All of the research, countless hours and hours of listening to all the great minds and thinkers and travelers inward, expressing what IT WAS that maybe THEY themselves were actually experiencing, and trying to put it into some type of explanation that the human mind could POSSIBLY come to some type of quantifiable understanding of what THAT ACTUALLY IS.
I have had many experience on D, maybe over 50, spread throughout the course of 3 years. Breakthroughs that have left me in awe. Breakthroughs of the breakthroughs, traveling to all different forms and dimensions and ways or what’s, etc...After the last experience I previous had, IT completely and in every way made all other experiences obsolete when I was brought into that place (obviously no 'PLACE' I don't think, or maybe? Hopefully you get the point). And that’s the thing for me. This was not just an experience, although it was, if that could in any way make any sense. It was THE experience. Saying that it was THE experience am I in absolutely NO way whatsoever trying to comprehend IT or THAT to a point of limitation or understanding. In no way am I saying that IT was the only IT, but maybe a form of IT out of the infinite forms of IT. Time and time again, reading 'other' stories and experiences that other people have had about where or how they were or transcended to, were things that I in every way, shape and form could relate to, with every other PREVIOUS experience. Trying to explain the unexplainable. The endless amounts of possibilities and interactions and incomprehensible displays of color and geometric patterns, possible entities that were forever always existing in some other possible way of being, whether that be another dimension, or whatever. But THIS was in every way different.
Nothing, not ALL of the knowledge of science, religion, philosophy, spirituality, past experiences of being transformed or shown other ways of being, interactions with other entities, having a fully aware consciousness of the ABSOLUTE possibility of ALL possibilities. Nothing could have prepared me for this. It was absolutely in every aspect of trying to sound reasonably understood, the ALL of the ALL of ALL experiences. (Even though I am well aware that I could and probably am 100% wrong, since no human intellect(I don't think) could quite possibly comprehend(maybe they could) any of it with our limited(or my limited) forms of expression and whatnot.) Now like I have stated before, this 'COMPLETELY MISSING THE MARK', as small as a quark, in a metaphorically way of giving a comprehendible description, I am not saying in ANY WAY that it was THE ONLY OF ALL OF THE ALL. (I see that even in my L state, I was really trying to drive this point home, lol. My apologies.) However, the 'space' that I was in, gave me the uncertain, complete tuned in with every thought, emotion, feeling, awareness that the space I now was in HAD THE CAPABILITIES OF BEING THE ALL OF ALL. The overwhelming, indescribable chaos of the normal 'break thru' was not what brought me to this conclusion.
The ACUTAL fact that THIS was the only time out of the 50 or so plus times in experimenting with D (besides one time before which I may go into detail at a later time) that there was really NO 'levels' or different stages with the 'blast off', like from a period of taking the tokes in previous experiences and going thru the normal--- "OH shit here we go, calm down, relax, relax", the crystallization of the space, the changing colors, the geometric patterns, the buzzing, humming, crackling noise, the sense of 'entities' hovering around, doing their dance of whatever dance they were doing, while 'they or it are kind of 'feeling me out to see if I am ready for the next stage', the uncertainty of not knowing where I am going to be headed towards now, still aware of my consciousness but the realization that the D is in me, and that was what is causing the experience feeling I always had gotten before. The experiences of when my consciousness was being thrown into another dimension, another space, being shown the overwhelming amounts of knowledge, unknowable alien like technologies and similar descriptions that all travelers and seekers are so PRIVY to. The experiences when being blasted off and being around 'other' or 'me' beings and my consciousness having the sense of love and trust and that’s where I belonged and completely loosing attachment to THIS particular 3D reality, but would slowly start to come back and have to let go of the greatest sense of loss and rediscover my physical body again. (I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND HOW EASY NOW IT IS FOR ME TO NOT HAVE A CERTAINTY ABOUT ANY OF IT NOW). ---THESE EXPERIENCES HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMPARISON TO THE EXPERIENCE. This time I sat there and did the puffs, although I probably over dosed since I was just trying to eyeball it, had the vapor genie like usual, was around peak on L, but had this new torch lighter. And then BOOM! It was OVER and BEGINNING ALMOST INSTANTANEOUSLY. LIKE NEVER BEFORE. I was completely aware of the fact that I smoked. I was completely aware that I was still in the same space of when I smoked. I was completely aware in every possible sense of the word. And that was what initially led me to the conclusion that this one was the IT. The shifting began. The overwhelming in and out and chaotic movement of all around and even me.
The complete sense that I really did it this time (OHH NOO!), I had the same kind of feeling I had gotten once before that I stopped time, (time as we are somewhat familiar with our or MY understanding of science) but at much larger grand scale of intensity. I remember I was so f******* terrified at that moment, not because of everything that was taking place, or the HIGH velocity of intergalactic information with the presence of the "being' or beings or me or whatever IT was, all different types, including one that was green in a way and for some reason had me think it or they was 'she', but not in any human sense, almost in a globe or something like a hula-hoop, just floating around me sparkling. Smaller 'whatever’s' just jumping or popping in and out (no description can be given) not verbally saying, but relaying a message of" HERE IT IS, AND THIS AND THAT AND THIS AND THAT AND, DON’T FORGET THIS, AND...DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE NOW? DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW? CAN YOU HANDLE THIS? DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE?" being translated into a language that does not exist in this experience as a human in this 3dimensional vibration of being.
In relative terms, of all life experiences since birth, with my mind and consciousness downloading all of the information of this reality, gave me the absolute feeling and certainty that ALL OF THAT had absolutely NO INFLUENCE of what was actually occurring. With what seemed like the whole electromagnetic spectrum of color incorporated the twisting in and shifting out into ALL different types of objects and symbols and shapes, a computerized sense of ALL.
These were not the reasons for me anxiety.
This anxiety, an anxiety that, while totally aware of self in a way spiritually but not physically since I could no longer find my body that left me with the feelings and impressions that "I HAVE ENTERED INTO A SPACE THAT I REALLY DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD HAVE BEEN". It was like I have literally been rushed into the "GOD-HEAD", and I am selectively using those words with no bias or already existing pre-notion of actual understanding, because, as I am sure you can tell during the reading of this, I am only limited to my vocabulary and restricted ability to fully express THE ALL experience with a human beings' common level of intelligence and imagination. That was what the feeling was at THAT particular moment. That somehow I possessed a power of the utmost of powers, whatever that actually means. It had gotten to a point of total collapse of ALL. This particular thing, whatever it is, has the power or control or intelligence that transcends any possible possibility that my mind could ever possible come to. I HAD THIS KNOWLEDGE AND POWER, and was fully having a glimpse of the inner workings of this universe, while it was going in and out, morphing into the endless amounts of being, never ending and infinite. At that moment, I honestly did not like it. I did not like the fact that I possessed that power, of actually stopping everything and completely being in control and being the ALL of the ALL (or so I thought). I thought I could possibly have a heart attack (literally), since I was still fully aware that I was still a human being from the 3rd dimension. The powers continued. All information on the intergalactic information network (I don't really know where I came up with that, but I know it has been said before, and it makes the most sense for me, it designates effortlessly as somewhat of a proper description.) The actual idea of suicide crossed my mind for a few seconds, which was absolutely excruciating. I figured, “WELL I HAVE REACHED THE ALL OF ALL, NOT SURE, BUT SOME HOW I BECAME APART OF THE WORKING OF THE PROCESS OF EXISTING. I BECAME SOURCE. I WAS GOD, or I was at the edge of the intelligence behind the vail, or I was in the control center and was witnessing the operations of this universe, or my spiritual essence was returning to its source, possibly beyond this world. The matrix? Is this really a computer generated system? Has everyone been right all along? Is the possibility that this is just a dream? Are we here subjectively? Are we caught up in some science experiment designed by an intelligence controlling it all, having us (ALL things on this planet or universe) here just so we can create an energy that is being harnessed by something else? DO THIS WANT TO BE DISCOVERED? Have I just took a sneak peak of the ridiculous endless amount of possibilities when the spirit has left the physical being? Do my actions matter? I was not sure if I have crossed into the source with acceptance. Not really sure at all. But I somehow started to try and remember the music I had playing, remember the place where I was, all while feeling, "HOLY **** OF ALL ****"…With the continued felt presence of the message of "HERE IT IS THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, THIS IS IT, THIS IS IT TOO, ALL OF THIS IS IT, ALL OF IT, ALL OF IT".
I slowly brought myself to think of a mantra...I tried to think of a way to put my body back together. I thought of Terence saying, "This is a fractal boundary this is a test of intelligence. The thing itself cannot be rationally held. "The world is not only stranger than we suppose, it stranger than we CAN suppose." I started to kind of see a resemblance of the space in which I started, interwoven with the all of the other 'stuff' listed above. The great whites shooting off of the fantastic colors around the room. Hoping I didn't completely lose my actual mind. There I was. Almost back (no comment). I see.....I start to think. I have to find my phone. I must call my friend. I can't believe I just did that in the manner that I did, realizing that I in no way respected it. "Just picking up the pipe and going for it...what was I thinking?" My laptop, which was sitting on my bed, still pixelated, tried putting itself back together at enormous speeds. One pixel at a time. Line by line. Whew! Ok, I think I can see the computer. I still can't see my body. It's all still jumbled and interlocked in the vastness. 'Please put yourself back together." The Egyptian hieroglyphics begin to fly away....There is the computer. Where is the phone? Can I get up? Is my mind gone and now I must go to a ward for treatment now? I see my body again...The music slowly came back and was being registered in my eardrum. Still some twinkles of light, but I now can see it all fading away. I am so thankful that I am somewhat bad to normal. Wow.
The mind race begins. Everyone and everything in every way all just at the whim of a power beyond all. This process of life is more mysterious than I ever thought I could ever suppose. I am here on this planet (maybe) as human being during this time. The ego (not the negative ego, but positive ego) allows me to accept my body and my mind and see the world from the perspective that it is. I have new feelings about life now. I have a new respect for the D. I tell myself that this process of life could be a gift. What a wonder it is to be alive, convincing ourselves of all that we try to convince ourselves about, while the universe just does what it does. I feel a calming of everything, yet still want to shout at the top of my lungs about everything that just took place.
I will end here, even though my interpretation wants to set in motion with beliefs and theories, of course. But, I will leave that up to you. I love you all.