Well, here's the long-ass essay on what i received from that trip.
A New Paradigm
First LSD trip in 25 years integration post
For: thepracticaltripper; DMT-nexus (null 24) 8/8/15
I've often said that i developed a major part of my personality on LSD. Depending upon the company present at the time, that statement is either often met with a snicker or laugh or a nod of agreement. What i mean by that is that it helped me push through the fear and insecurities that often stood strong between me and the development of dynamic interpersonal relationships. It helped me come to grips with many of my hangups, especially around things like expressing sexual desire as well as to release creative potential as a visual artist. I have always felt LSD to be an incredibly useful tool for deep personal analysis, even when intersecting with it on a hedonistic level, i was able to derive great benefit from it.
I 'put the phone down' with LSD in 1991, when i thought I'd 'gotten the message' and i felt no more need for it and felt continued use would just be disrespectful... or something. The fact is, shortly after that time, i developed and dove deep into a heroin addiction, and spent the better part of two decades pursuing all that that entails, which left me a sick, suicidal wreck and that miserable state is what brought me back around to psychedelics. Having a certain foreknowledge of their healing visionary power, i felt that perhaps they could help me get to the root of my addiction and the fear that surrounded it just as LSD helped me push through the fears i had in my teens.
And they did; a single dose of 5meo DMT catapulted me into a transformative experience that completely changed my life. An experience of what Shulgin calls a '++++', or complete dissolution of the self into the all- an experience that is by definition unable to be described ensued after i ingested a small piece of that beautiful substance. I continued to experiment with the rest of the small vial of 5 meoDMT and with each application, I felt like some different aspect of my being was being 'turned on'. It seemed to go through me at various times, working with the various systems of my physical and astral being, tuning it up. The experiences were so powerful that i was in a visionary state for weeks after, and could enter a full on psychedelic mind state just from pranayama exercises i learned within the experience itself. The process was so intense that only now, several years later, through dedicating my life to the understanding and practical application of these substances, and through being a member of this community as well as other psychedelic groups have i even begun to do so. At the time of these initiatory experiences, which they were since they were so different from my previous experience with LSD, mushrooms, and MDMA back in my youth, i was completely ignorant and therefore unprepared for what i was about to endure.
When it was said and done,the fact is, i could not go back to the stultifying existence i had the day before, and lacking any resources to guide me on a new path, i tried to put my new found state of mind into practice but without those resources available I made some terrible mistakes in my enthusiasm. While having positive effects for others and still being decisions i stand by from an ethical standpoint, these actions resulted in my losing my home, to make a long story short.
While I feel that I've done a great amount of work towards the apprehension of my potential, as far as unlocking the mundane secret of my addiction, and working towards a goal of continuous self awareness and improving the quality of my life, i have still had great struggles on this path. With depression, codependency, guilt and shame, anger and violence; all sorts of nasty things coming to the surface in bad nasty ways, through various circumstances and situations of my own doing, and I've done my best to deal with them as they do, to varying success. I'm still breathing, and at this point, that is an accomplishment, so something is working.
However, the homeless thing has been a huge issue. While i can work on grasping the value of my self beyond the contents of my wallet, building my spiritual and emotional wealth, and find out how to love myself in these most challenging of conditions, if i cannot find a source of material wealth then what real good is this path (i know that 'wealth' is a loaded word, and here it is meant only to imply a certain level of material comfort, and the sense of security in being able to provide for the needs of myself and perhaps any potential family type thing that may develop, it is not meant to imply the result of a greed oriented life)? Who is going to listen to me tell them how this path 'works' when I'm sleeping on a sidewalk?
I've been filled with shame over the situation, and while I'm surrounded by wonderful people that I'm beginning to know here in my city, which has a thriving entheogen community, and am greatly fulfilled by service i do within that community, I've been stuck in this position. Stuck in this paradigm, of defining myself through what i lack. Homeless, jobless, alone. And I'm constantly running into those situations that create, or are manifested through, anger, fear, and other negative emotions. I've felt stuck here, because I've been unable to visualize a route out. Even if i can visualize a vague destination of where I'd like my future to lead, without any clear action to take me there, my wheels are muddy, and got a ton of weight, to paraphrase a song. I've been stuck in a rut.
It was in this personal internal environment that i took LSD for the first time in 25 years, probably close to the day actually. And while the inner landscape was full of turmoil, the setting for this trip was great. The trip was going to happen in the presence of three new friends, with whom I'd spent the last few months getting to know through many long conversations that venture so deep into strange new territory that we've developed new language to communicate the concepts. We smoked DMT together, and took long hikes in prepertion for this trip. Two guys, a girl and myself. We gathered at my friend's home, that has a great lush backyard, with the risel of an ancient extinct volcano visible in the near distance: a city park that was our potential destination for an excursion. We grilled some chicken and veggies and had a few beers, which turned out to be the first two mistakes for me, then after digesting a little,cleared the air of any misgivings and dosed what we guess to be ~250ug each. Then we headed up to the little overhang outside my friend's bedroom, and hung out there on the roof to come on and watch the sun come down. Upon hindsight, this period of time was when my third and final mistake came. While the conversation was great, deeply metaphysical while at the same time lighthearted and fun while we cautiously waited, i feel that we wasted the opportunity to set intent.
One of us had in mind a sort of trip that would be very social, a bonding experience along the lines of our previous ones. Another wanted to work on some emotional issues in the comfortable space of being in caring, understanding company. One wanted to do some internal alchemy. And finally, I wanted to open the door to doing some more earth based work in comparison and complement to my DMT work. None of us expressed this to each other, all of us just assumed that what they were wanting to do would happen. It's funny, we took all that time to try to get to know and be comfortable with one another in a vulnerable state, but then at crunch time didn't communicate some very crucial information.
The one who wanted to have a social outing for obvious reasons came out to be an energetic guiding factor and we ended up walking up to the park soon after coming up, once we were all good and high. At this point i began to notice some discomfort in my belly, a situation I'm quite paranoid of, having taken some lower quality acid in my lifetime that had in the past created trip-ruining stomach pain and the anxiety produced cascade of self fulfillment, and eventually i was curled in a ball, moaning in pain, staring down a spiraling black hole in my mind's eye, that was lined with thorns and spider bones. It wasn't the acid that was causing the pain though, it was gas from the beer, and indigestion from the chicken.
By the time we made it to the park's summit, the pain was all i could focus on. The acid was good, not gritty at all, and the body load was pleasant and non stimulating. The 250ugs were producing nice open eye visuals, but nothing was going on in my head, other than the black hole lined with spiders. Every time i tried to ' go somewhere', that's all i got. I thought that maybe the acid had latched onto some psychic disturbances, and i was trying to connect some inner turmoil with it, to work out whatever was causing so much pain. But it wasn't grief, it was gas! The whole thing just shut me down. My friends know me by now, and my often quiet, moody manner and frankly left me alone, which i appreciate, i didn't want to bum them out with my burdens. People like to save one another, and i didn't want them to focus on me. One, the girl, turned out to be a very comforting and skilled tripsitter, and i feel very fortunate to have been in her company. Her level head and loving energy kept it all cool.
So, i laid there, they talked, i moaned, then we descended the hill, went back to my buddies and hung out, listening to Aphex Twin, and i basically listened while they talked, we looked at video of a giant outdoor screen in an industrial city in China that is so polluted that the screen displays the sunrise and sunset, a sort of stand in for the real thing, and smoked some calea z., which had some interesting properties.
At some point the converstation turned to the way in which one manifests one's reality, and how the universe provides exactly what one asks for. Being a source of potential without the benefit of reason nor emotion, it doesn't give what it thinks is best for you, it gives what you ask of it. It's not like anyone asks the universe for a shitty life, but it's just one of the simple tenets of visualization, if all you put out is this state of lack, of being without, then the universe will meet you right where you're at, filling your life with an abundance of lack and being without. It's hard to visualize something better when I'm lying on a sidewalk, someone has just stolen my clothes and I'm broke and hungry, if for nothing else than for being unable to visualize a route there, but NOTHING has ever HAPPENED to me, and while a decision cost me my home, continued decisions keep me there. I define(d) myself by what I lack (ed)- home, profession, income, intimacy. So that's just what I'd been getting an enormous share of. A whole bunch of nothing.
That was the gyst of that very brief interaction between the three others as i lay there in real or perceived pain. While it was brief, and occurred without my direct involvement, something about that conversation, in that acidified state, stuck with me, and stayed long after the come down.
It's now been two weeks since that trip, and I've been working to move myself up and out of that rut, to sublimate my life force out of the gutter. And I'm happy to report it's working. It seems that just simply by focusing upon positive action and performing it constantly, that my entire life is moving into a far more effective, fulfilling state. Things both material and not are flowing into it daily. A new bike, wardrobe, the tech I'm writing this on, a job and even a possible romantic relationship and a home. Holy shit, just simply by manifesting through will? That's majick, right? Maybe so, if majick is the realization of desire through potentiating will, then i guess so.
But really, it's just the powerful effect of one of the most valuable medicines our culture has to offer. The acid melted the chains that had bound me, chains i created through self doubt and self delusion. Believing that I'm less than i am. Moving into the future with conscious deliberation, that phrase has been a mantra lately, and hopefully it will be so.
Another, deeper excursion is being planned, just myself and that possible new relationship, with the beautiful woman and soul that sat there with me in silence, rubbing my back while i stared into that painful void. Great things are waiting to be born.
The manifesto that came from that trip:
Be good to you.
Cause no pain.
Move into the future, with conscious deliberation.
Screw heartache, Love.
PAX IN LUX, CGE
Sine experientia nihil sufficienter sciri potest -Roger Bacon
*γνῶθι σεαυτόν*