There is a hole in the center of most people's beings. A hole that we fill with sugar and TV, sex and food, heroin and cocaine. None of these "keys" fit that lock though, and we (I) continue to try different combinations to see if any will fit and open the door to happiness. All the time however, I understand that all those "keys" are substitutes for the only thing that effectively fills that hole- love and understanding. A connection with another human. Something I cannot walk to the corner to buy or dial a number and wait for. Something I cannot access. ( pls don't read that to think I consume any of those things and miss the point...)

It goes far beyond the desire for sex, it even can override the need for food and shelter, the need to be UNDERSTOOD, to look into another human being's eyes and see that they get you, that they care enough to try at least. Through my journey out of drug addiction Ive come to know this emptiness intimately, because I no longer have the luxury of filling a syringe with black water that stands in for it. I have to sit in the middle of the loneliness and feel it. I have to search and search, through every niche of my soul and mind, beyond the revulsion I feel toward my body and the repulsion my actions incite in myself to find self love.

It is the hardest thing in the world for me to do, to find the inner resource to go through another day, knowing what I know of love and the universal truth of it, and the dearth of it in this world. Why does this have to hurt so much? It has been said that the only philosophical question is that of suicide. And to know just exactly what the value of love and understanding is, and to know how valuable, rare, precious and at the same time hated it is, makes me wonder... Is it?

This resonates with me fully.

I love your writings null...

Poignant, eloqent & most always relevant...

I thank you for it & am sending loving vibes your way.

Peace.

For me its about accessing the truth that is at the core of my being. When we require satisfaction from outside events, we give our power and happiness away. Only when we require nothing, are we content with everything. The self-realization of unity comes from this, and a sacred appreciation for every moment we are given arises. Thus, love naturally flows

We are given such a wonderful opportunity with life, but at times it can be impossible to see it through all the suffering. And only when you love yourself can you truly love life.

Yes yes and yes. The thing that really gets to me though is that I KNOW that. So why do I waste an hour of it curled in a ball crying wishing there was someone else there? It drives me insane the loneliness in this crowded world.

I've spent a fair amount of energy and time getting to know a person that I had built a lot of hope into- and that's what it is-hope (which like faith is what-a lie?), and now after getting to know her quite well and intimately (though not sexually), have been slammed into a wall that I feel foolish for not having seen. Alcoholism. She drinks a half gallon of vodka ( and is on methadone-very distressing) every two days and weighs 130 lbs. I met her at a recovery meeting last year, yeah I know what they say about hooking up at meetings- the odds are good but the goods are odd- but this is literally the most beautiful woman I've even been in the presence of. And she pays attention to me, comes over and talks to ME, hangs out with ME after. We've been getting closer since last November, but up until a couple weeks ago, I only saw her at the meeting( which frankly I attend for 1 reason, and it isn't recovery.)

So recently we started hanging out outside the group, swinging in the park across the street from her house, playing with the kids in her neighborhood, and sharing stories. I started getting comfortable with her and after she confided intimate details about her life me, I did the same.I knew she drank, she knows what I do, we are both abstinent from heroin, that's what mattered in my mind. I didn't know she was in or close to blackout half the time we were together until this morning.

Luckily I didn't realize it in her bed, but rather at the meeting this morning, when she had no recollection of a text conversation we had last night regarding plans for my birthday, and also did not remember some things I told her about my family. I recall everything she says, because it MATTERS TO ME. Unfortunately, I'm cut short on time with this thought,I have to log off, but thanks for being there folks, I do appreciate y'all.

And Doc, you made my day,

"which frankly I attend for 1 reason, and it isn't recovery."


I could write a book about that kind of behavior...woman are my weak spot.

Knowing something, and being able to act on it are 2 different processes. I think the problem arises in the way will power can act as a mediator between knowledge and action. It's really difficult to describe through the internet....But, What sounds like is going on is that 100% of you is not ready to move on. There must still be a part of you that feeds off of the suffering. The part of you that needs the suffering, because the suffering helps to define who you are.

I've been in similar states as you describe, curled in a ball crying, wishing my ex was still there. This was many years ago, and was a difficult habit to break (it happened with multiple ex's). We do these things because we don't fully love our selves. We take drugs because we are not satisfied with life, because we want something more. If you truly love yourself you will see that you don't need a partner, that you are Whole. But we have so many habits, though patterns, impure desires etc, that act as obstacles to our wholeness. They divide us, fragment us into separate pieces that fight for control.

Try to see the wonderful opportunity you have, to change, to make a better life built on harmony and love. It's difficult to see in times of distress, but really, all of our problems are there to help us. They teach us what is not in harmony with our self and our surroundings. Then one must find the strength and cultivate the desire to truly do something about it.

I really appreciate the help dmt has offered me, because it has helped me find the strength in myself, and it has allowed me to look at situations from many different angles, which is priceless. With the correct intention, Dmt can be a great ally, as i'm sure you know.

From what you have described about your interactions with that woman, it looks like a blessing in disguise that you found out what's really going on with her. Because entering into a relationship with that woman with your current emotional state, could be quite disastrous for you, and her.

Most of us are searching for a companion in the opposite sex, some in the same sex. That search for companionship, could be still be necessary for you in the learning process. It was for me for a while. But I have since moved past the desire for a partner. My only real goal is to find the truth in myself. To find the Unity, The Tao, The Absolute, God, Brahman, etc...I get distracted often, but do not move far from the path these days. Only God will satisfy me...of this there is no doubt remaining. Please note, I am not religious, and use the term God, very loosely.

My suggestion would be to just take it slow and steady. It sounds like you've made some great progress from where you used to be! It takes a while to heal, in fact it can be a lifetime, but it is so rewarding. Stay positive and dedicated my brother!

Others are there to balance out this self. That's why we have an opposite.

Both polarities exist within us. True balance comes from the internal balance of the female and male aspects of yin/yang. To look outside oneself for true balance will only disrupt. If one looks outside oneself for satisfaction, it is basically giving your strength, your power away to external circumstances that are out of your control. Given away this power only divides and fragments the self even more. This will only lead to more imbalance.

null I assume your birthday is coming up or today, so happy birthday.

With regard to your original post, I ponder that type of thing a lot. I constantly ask myself why I get up in the morning. Sometimes I don't until I am roused by necessity (e.g., having to go pee-pee). If I am not working or going to school, I really have no motivation to get up unless it is to spend time with other people (which I guess I would be doing at school and work anyway). I hate getting up to shove food in my mouth even or watch television "programming." The Nexus and books help, but I can browse in my bed...

For this situation you are describing, I think it is important to recall The Celestine Prophecy.



The idea is that it is best not to get addicted to other people, as this will prematurely cut off your supply of energy from the universe/self. The book describes human interaction in terms of energy and how we compete and argue with each other to essentially steal that energy. But the alternative "correct" source is to derive it from the universe around us, which in our case is nature (or I guess our interpretation of nature, or even our own minds).

Remember that things go both ways. You talk of filling your spiritual hole, but how is she filling hers? With alcohol? There seem to be a dialogue of energy here. You are both seeking, you find your energy from her, and she finds hers from the bottle, if I interpret what you say correctly. The Celestine Prophecy speaks of how a higher romance can be found after both partners are completed spiritually, with both male and female energy. This prevents any lingering problems, fights, subservience in the relationship, etc.

This doesn't mean that you can't help her nor yourself. I think trying to help her complete her energies, with the genuine intention of helping her, and then if she desires pursuing a higher relationship, would be a wonderful course of action here.

Thanks RAM, it's the 23rd of June- cancer-gemini cusp!

Whenever I find myself in a hole, y'all help me get out. Thanks. I understand that my reluctance to "let go" and find within myself that which i need to sustain my self emotionally, materially and spiritually seems to go against the path that I've chosen of self awareness, reliance and understanding. However it is still the hardest thing for me to do to let go of the fear and shame and anxiety that perpetuates this and just be satisfied and fulfilled with life.

I've believed in the power of love my entire life, that the connection between two people is the closest approximation to the state of unity and godhead. We exist separate but connected, and love is the cord that we can stretch across that chasm that separates us, to connect rather than divide. I know that this is the most common ennui in the world, we sit side by side on the bus, a cloud of thought above us full of disappointment and desire, wanting and needing, and separate from the source of the gift we need even though it resides in the person next to us. Thing is, I'm afraid to ask a friend, let alone a stranger, to give me that.

I am going into the woods today. A friend just got his GVG in the mail and my last extract is ready to test. I am mediating on my reason for doing this at all, for ingesting DMT. I am asking for the identification and knowledge to defeat the fear that stands between myself and fulfillment. And to find out how to truly love and respect myself. I expect tears to flow, but I also expect to be stronger as a result.

I am glad for myself but saddened for my friend that she is going down this road and cares more for alcohol than me. But I understand. Maybe it's my "karma", I've been her- unavailable and loved. I won't turn my back on her though, I will support her to do what is good for her, to support her in finding her strength and power, I will accompany her to recovery meetings, visit her in detox or rehab, generally be there for her, but I must emotionally separate myself from her, that is, not hope but merely believe in her.

That resonated with me as well. I didn't really understand this before I had these experiences, but once I figured out how to be myself and be happy with myself, I've met some people who actually get me. I think I've met such people in the past but couldn't let my guard down enough to let them in. I've found that when you find such a person, it's good to give up any expectations you may have of them. Now I've learned to come at friendships (or whatever label one uses) from a completely non selfish place. And I know exactly what you mean when you talk about it trancending the nead for sex. The connection between 2 such people is so powerful, that now I realize that before, I had no clue what I was missing, because before, It seems that people were my friend because they could get something out of the deal. And I went a long time alone after I had the experiences, it's only recently that I've met any like minded people, but now that I have, I must say it's quite a powerful thing to have a real connection with someone, this is definitely something humans need.

If we ask the questions, or even if there are questions,
regarding your suicidal actions:


suscidse:
- why is it that one would want to kill them selves?
psychogly karama?
- they are a dick?
- they got messed up by other peopl
- etc???


at the moment, one may think that susidal is 'good' and 'honorable', but in real realirty, we but realise, that most of us are very lucky, we are in the 1st world, we have food,water,shelter. and maybe, susisde is a pussy way out of it.

this is earth
we have a brain
we are human
this is it.


think of it like this,
thiere is no life, and you have been given the chance to live life this, once, and if you kill yourself, you will never be able to live again.

mate, just live, this advice may not be good but its all I can give, just be a more loving person.
we're talking about 'mental health' here, but what about the health of the people who need food,water and shelter?

so seriously.

What you must look into maybe, is how are you living in your own life?
- Do you spend all your time on computer/watching TV outside of work and spend no times in social situations (for example).......

Addiction is said to be, that real addiction causes the brain to make the 'drug' above food,shelter,sex,etc.
So if that's the case, maybe you just need more time? or social interaction? or psychedelics ? ??

Null, I sincerely meant every word...

If I could somehow make your day more often, I would...

If you ever write a book, I will buy it!!!!