Ok guys, this is pretty long. I'd done DMT hundreds of times, and various other entheogens too many times to count. I'd prided myself on my ability to explore the furthest reaches of consciousness while maintaining control. But this experience was different, far too much for my psyche to handle. This was the last time I've done DMT, it's been almost three years since. Lately I'm starting to feel like I might be ready to dip my feet in again, but the fear is still there. I think what I took away from this more than anything was a strong impression that our reality is akin to a dream. It did not make me appreciate life more necessarily, quite the contrary. It made me realize that everything experienced in our usually limited perception of life and reality is ultimately not that meaningful, mostly illusory and incredibly temporary. I suppose it did cause me take things less seriously and made death seem even less significant.
Anyway, here we go..
I'd gone out drinking after work for a coworker's last day. Afterwards, I came home and was hanging out with two friends. We continued partying a bit with lines of coke and bowls of weed, and after awhile began passing around the DMT pipe. Generally my DMT sessions are accompanied by much preparation, meditation, thoughtfulness. This time was a careless exception. After a few rotations around the circle over the course of an hour or so, I loaded a particularly large bowl of DMT. I didn't weigh it, probably 60-80 mg. As I took my hit and sat down the pipe, I remember Friend #1 saying that he wished he could take hits so massive, indicating that my hit was exceptionally large, which I'm certain it truly was.
As memory serves, I had a typical (yet incredibly powerful) DMT trip. As per usual in these very powerful experiences, letting go is utterly essential, absolutely required. Letting go of everything, accepting death, no fear. The alternative is panic; as you struggle, often in vein, to resist. To me, one of the least desirable aspects of this ultimate letting go is the frequent requirement to let go even of the ability to remember. The conscious intensity of these experiences is inherently ineffable. Most times these experiences occur in worlds that are completely foreign to me. Endless geometric morphing pattern fields of incredibly vibrant colors, moving and changing at speeds beyond comprehension. The breakthrough frequently lands me in very alien places, surrounded by morphing patterns (perhaps technologies), oddly shaped structures, with passive and possibly indifferent entities. Buzzing and whirring sounds, intense feelings and sometimes direct sensing of information.
These experiences are incredibly vivid, often times feeling much more real even than "reality". They nearly always begin the same way, with a massive energy surge in my chest. The energy expands and accelerates until it explodes out of my head and devours my entire body. I attribute this to the chakras (energy centers) in the body bursting open and flooding me with pure unbridled energy. It feels incredibly pleasant; it feels like warmth, love, conscious intelligent vibrating energy.
Such was the case in this instance. I lost awareness of my body for a few minutes and then returned with virtually no memory of the bulk of the experience, only fleeting memories as if from a strange dream, and lingering feelings of an oddly pleasant, mysteriously familiar energy. Typical. I don't mean to downplay the significance of these types of experiences, but compared to what followed it just doesn't feel noteworthy.
Some time later, minutes I think, I was sitting on the bed, listening to music, talking about something or other. I had not taken another hit, not done anything. Suddenly, out of nowhere, an overwhelming energy rained down, all of the sudden, no choice. It felt like the G force of taking off in a rocket ship at the speed of light. Literally blasting off into orbit. It happened so suddenly, out of nowhere, and it came on immediately.. with such utter intensity. Not a moment's warning, no question, no time to react. It's as if someone just pops into existence in front of you out of thin air and unfeelingly, matter-of-factly, without any warning, states "well, now this is happening" and in an instant you are swirling down an impossibly powerful whirlpool, drowning in an ocean of incomprehensible immensity. Crushing pressure raining down from all directions, sound rapidly gaining loudness, lights rapidly becoming brighter and brighter. This same energy felt so many times before during meditation and drug usage, but multiplied by a million. This is far beyond anything I've ever known. I'm momentarily overcome with fear, my adrenaline surges.
My friends recognized it, it was something totally unexpected, totally unforeseen. For a moment I resisted in a desperate attempt to communicate with those around me. I believed that they perceived what was happening to me and were as freaked out as I was. They somehow recognized the intensity of this strange thing but didn't know what to do, neither did I. I desperately tried to reach out to them but all I can get out were millisecond long syllables.. a...st.. during fleeting periods of some semblance of self. I have a vague memory of Friend #2 repeating to me "Are you good man?" I tried hard to say "no". Words were impossible. I could not possibly resist this thing. I had no comprehension of what this completely alien, insanely INTENSE thing was that was currently happening.
I fought it for as long as I could, which couldn't have been more than a couple seconds. I knew I had to let go of everything, of my sense self, fearlessly just embrace it. I had to trust it with everything, whatever it was. I fully believed that this mysterious thing that was happening to me was something incredibly powerful, incredibly meaningful; something so profound that it would fundamentally alter the way humanity viewed reality. My only option was to EMBRACE it. There was nothing else, relax and completely give in to this unknown destroyer of worlds. Accept this, and know that there's no coming back. There's no way that could ever be possible.
I remember red and white Mayan type patterns fractalling and expanding, overtaking my awareness. I had no control. Before I knew it, "I" was simply nonexistent. I recall opening myself, my chest, my jaw to this unlimited amazing energy. My head flooded open. Awareness of the body faded as any sense of 'me' exploded into nothingness. Reality melted away and all that was left was an extraordinary vivacity. There was no longer distinction between my mind and the external world. No longer any sense of self, just an indescribably vibrant, pulsating, overpowering intensity of being, and it felt amazing.
This unfathomably powerful, conscious, intelligent, alien thing had completely overwhelmed "me". The intensity came in quick waves, several times per second. For a short time I regained brief moments of.. some kind of awareness. Who am I and what the fuck is happening? My movements were jerky, coinciding with the energy pulses. Eyes wide open, my mind blown. All sense of who I was or what this world was or anything, everything, gone. I've accepted my death now, there's no going back after this. I understand this on a very deep level, there's just no way. What the fuck is this thing, why here, why now, why ME, what is this, what does it mean?
Now, quickly, no ability to even THINK. No knowledge of who or what I am. No questioning 'hmm what is this? Just gone.. completely, utterly, gone. Nothing but intense pulsing energy. Oh My God! OH MY FUCKING GOD. It seemed to last forever. This is beyond death, beyond the death experience. I still believe that, even now, 100%. This is something completely different. The energy was overwhelming, so intense, so real. In this reality everything which had happened in my life was insignificant, a farce; a meaningless dream from which I had now awoken. Everything I'd ever known was all leading up to this specific moment, this one intense instant.
There's never been anything more real, nothing before that moment mattered, never would matter. No thoughts of the past. What past? It was so insignificant, all just preparation for THIS moment. In this infinite moment I really experienced the love, pure consciousness, which overcame quickly any perception of reality. Overwhelming love.. pulsating, electric, intelligent, paralyzing, strangely alien.. love. It seemed to last a lifetime.
The next hour or so was a blur, the memory largely eludes me. My friends, despite their reluctance to talk about what happened, did say that I was in a trance, somewhere else. I apparently spoke to them at times, speaking words they didn't understand. I danced. I pissed myself, though there was no evidence of that by the time I regained awareness. Mostly though, I just lay on my bed, wriggling around as this intensely powerful, intensely pleasurably energy surged through my body. The words "embrace it" repeated over and over. I guided the energy around and it felt amazingly fulfilling, unfathomably orgasmic. Embrace it, feel it, love it.
Sometime less than an hour later, I first began to regain some sense of self. The first thing I remember clearly is Friend #2 trying to hand me a glass of water. I stared at him blankly, not understanding what was happening. Just like that, I was back, so happy to be back. But things were not the same, imaginary, fake, somehow alien. Something is different, even now.
The very first thing I did was call for my dog to come to me, which he did. At the time this action was steeped in meaning. When coming back to life, the first thing, the most important thing, was love. Manifesting that love for my dog, him manifesting it back. I hugged him, kissed him, as I smiled with pure bliss. It was all about love, I felt that this moment would be remembered, talked about for centuries to come. I could still feel the energy strongly after coming back.
I felt a sense of guilt for putting my friends through that, not that I had a choice. I tried my best to apologize, and to somehow explain the experience which I'd just been through. They didn't understand, how could they? I have been in their shoes, on the other side of this situation, and know well the feelings of powerlessness, distress, responsibility. Several times in my past I'd had close friends lose all grasp on reality for extended periods, both with and without drugs. In most cases these states last hours, though I have seen them last months or even lifetimes. Still, I do not believe that any of them ever encountered anything quite like this. It's hard for me to believe that, hard for me to believe that anyone else could possibly survive something like this and ever come back, ever be normal again. But then again, I did, or seem to have.
In the weeks and months since the event, experiences in my daily life sparked memory fragments of what happened. I'd see or hear something, and like from a dream, it triggers a memory which caused me to feel and re-experience it with brilliant lucidity. I have jotted down fragmented memories and feelings over time, finally compiling them into this cohesive narrative.
..
It's been almost three yeras since this happened. I easily can say that this was and remains to be the most profound experience of my life. But, something is fundamentally different now. For one, something seems to have been opened inside of me, some energy conduit expanded, or something, I don't know... For a long time after this experience I would get intense 'flashbacks'(?) of this experience. It's like suddenly the NOWness of the moment was so incredibly strong that it required my entire focus to fight it, to stay grounded and not have an ego death. I know full well that in most cases the advice in such situations would be to just accept, relax, embrace. But I'm scared to let go, not being sure of what awaits and not sure if I could ever come back. I'd start to feel the energy again from my above experience, a little bit.. I'd notice it, and it's fine. Sometimes that would it. Other times I'd notice it more, and I think something like "hm I could see how this might become a problem if it intensified". Next thing I knew it is impossible to focus on anything else, all I could do was mentally fight this thing from stripping me of my grasp on reality as the intensity of NOW feels on the verge of being too much to handle. I'd try to keep my mind focused on something, anything.. sweep the floor, count to 100, don't panic.. eventually it subsides. Things have been much better the last year or so, hopefully they stay that way.
I'm reminded of a post from a different forum about a guy who got knocked out for mere minutes and spent something like a decade having the most intense dream. One in which he got married, had a family and a job. Then one day the lamp on the table seemed weird somehow. He stared at it curiously, and got to the point where he could do nothing else. He stopped eating, bathing, could only stare at the lamp which seemed oddly out of place. Eventually his wife called for help, but no one could get through to him. Then one day he had a realization, the lamp is not real. Nothing is real! And boom, he was back in this reality, depressed for months over the loss of his family and life in the dream. I can relate to this. It's not a lamp, but something here is not right. For a long time after this experience I was left wondering if maybe, just maybe, any second now I was going to wake up realize that this had all been part of the trip.
Thanks for reading.