My ex-girlfriend nudged me awake to tell me that she was pregnant. Everything was going to be okay, though. We were both scared and terrified, but at no point did we lose control of ourselves. Our relationship was on the downward swing, and we realized that the most compassionate and intelligent thing to do was to put the child up for adoption, since neither of us felt comfortable about the idea of an abortion. We knew it was going to hurt, but it seemed like the best idea. I had support from friends and co-workers while I was going through the initial stages of shock, and finally, acceptance. It was a difficult situation, but we were confident that we would be able to get through it together, and not let our crumbling relationship negatively affect the life of our unborn child.

Then I told my mother - and that was that. The earth might as well have stopped rotating around the sun at that moment for her, because I (supposedly) ruined her life. An itemized list of some of her comments is the most effective way for showing her general attitude towards the situation:

- "You are, and always have been a flaky, undependable person. You're not cut out to be a father, not now, not ever."

- "Terminate the pregnancy or I will disown you and never speak to you again."

- "Whether or not you terminate this pregnancy isn't up to you or your girlfriend, it's up to me because you wouldn't be here without me."

- "All your friends at work are only supporting you because they're all white trash who get knocked up and pop out kids so they can collect welfare."

I didn't speak to her for a few weeks after the initial conversation, but was basically cyber-bullied by her - threatening emails, text messages, voice mails of her screaming that I was destroying her life and that I had "no right" to impregnate a woman (still don't quite get this one.) My girlfriend and I aren't exactly the most mentally stable people on the face of the earth, so this sent us into a bit of a panic, and by "panic," I mean full blown nervous breakdown.

Long story short, she decided she wanted to terminate the pregnancy. This is the only time in my life that I've ever legitimately gotten down on my knees and begged someone for something. I told her I wouldn't be able to live with myself, that I would do anything to change her mind, that she didn't have to work until she gave birth to the child and I would financially support her, etc., but nothing worked, and the pregnancy was terminated. Our relationship ended shortly after that, and she moved out of our apartment.

I proceeded to spend the next few weeks pacing around in circles in my apartment, cradling a stuffed penguin like a baby, sobbing hysterically, and plotting my suicide in intricate detail. Clearly I never went through with it, but I still don't feel like I deserve to be alive. Over the summer, I was rear ended by an SUV going 60 mph while I was sitting in traffic on the highway, causing a five-car collision. For the first few seconds after the impact, I legitimately thought I was dying/dead, and I felt an inexpressible joy at essentially getting what I deserved, but, to my surprise, (and, dare I say, to my disappointment), I was alive, and, (except for a sore back), completely fine. It would be inaccurate to say that I'm suicidal now, I think. The feeling of "cheating death," (especially when I believed that I deserved it/it was meant to happen), lingers and follows me around. I have a sick obsession with dying now - perhaps I always have. The difference now is that I "deserve" to die (at least in my mind).

Since then, my relationship with my mother has been been reduced to basically nothing. My father never knew about the pregnancy. He is also judgmental and can be ignorant about a lot of things, but at the end of the day, he would literally do anything for me, and I know he would have supported me. I still speak to him once or twice a week. My mother, basically only when it's absolutely necessary. I've spent my entire life trying to "be the bigger person," and move beyond her petty, narcissistic form of abuse, but at what point does forgiveness just turn into letting someone trample all over you? At what point is "passive resistant" synonymous with "getting f***ed in the ass?"

I still feel physically ill when I see her, and I haven't been able to look her in the eye for the past ten or eleven months. I don't remember the last time I told her I loved her, or the last time I felt comfortable speaking to her about anything personal. She doesn't know I have a girlfriend now, nor does she really know anything else about my life. I live relatively close to my parents, but live on my own. I finally told her that she's responsible for inflicting more pain on me than any other human being in the world, that's it's absolutely inexcusable, and that my perception of reality is completely warped because I can't wrap my head around the fact that a human being would be willing to give birth to, and raise, a child, then basically throw him to the side like a piece of dirt. I have an envelope of pictures in my desk that I take out and look at sometimes. They're all pictures of my mother holding me as a baby. I sit on the floor, flip through them, and cry until I can't possibly cry anymore, because I feel like it was all a lie. I feel like I have no mother, and if I have no mother, I have nothing.

I feel as if I'm being constantly stabbed in the face with a dull knife. My existence has essentially turned into constant chaos, with occasional pockets of good moods or good experiences. I usually vaporize Cannabis every few hours, every day, to basically stay consistently high, otherwise I'll have panic attacks and violent outbursts of anger, in which I'll do completely reasonable things, like punch holes in walls, rip doors off hinges, throw things around, and otherwise trash my apartment, before collapsing into a heap onto the floor, in hysterics, assuaging my petty sense of juvenile self-pity by convincing myself that "life"/"god"/whatever screwed me over.

There will be periods where I'll "come to terms" with what happened and feel alright about it, (especially after a journey, all of which, since this incident, have been colored with a theme of redemption/absolution of guilt), but the results are not long term, because a week later, I'm losing my mind again and convincing myself that I deserve to die, everything is my fault, I'm a horrible human being, feeding into my exaggerated sense of self-deprecation, a result of being raised by nasty, malevolent, narcissistic, shallow parents for a quarter century.

So that's where I'm at. I don't really know my objectives in writing this. I'm not looking for sympathy, or for an "answer," or anything else. There are three people in this world who actually know this full story, and keeping all this inside is physiologically painful; I can feel something beneath my chest beating from the inside, trying to work its way out. Perhaps some will say this as a means of seeking attention - and maybe they're right. I just can't keep it inside anymore.

Hi Akasha

So sorry that you are struggling with all this. I was moved to reach out to you for a moment.
Maybe be able to offer some words that can help or comfort.

Life is full of difficult situations, we all have to work through them the best way we know how.

Just going to offer some of my opinions and thoughts, based on my own life experiences, so take it as that, nothing more.

Sometimes people are not ready to be parents. We live in an over populated world already.
Whether abortion is wrong should not be in debate here, but how you feel about it is what important. Even if your hurt by what happened, doesnt mean you have to beat yourself up about it. Give yourself a break. Know that whatever happened was supposed to happen.
You had an opinion and world view about abortion that you aren't comfortable with it.
Can you change that? Can you be comfortable with it?


Try to remember that our parents are people too. They have their own hang ups and difficulties.
And they dont also act how we would like them to. Love them for who they are, and not what they do or say. But some distance between you if that's what you need. Its likely that she is struggling with her own pain and unresolved life stuff. Usually people that are lashing out at others do it because they are hurting and can't resolve their own issues.
But dont hold onto pain and misery. You dont have to torture yourself with thoughts of you and your mother. Let it go. Move on. Make the future what you want it to be. With or without her.


You dont have to believe or listen to the negative thoughts in your mind, acknowledge them and push them away if they dont suit you. Same with others opinions of you. If they have a problem with you, its their problem. Its only your if you make it.
Only YOU live YOUR life.



I hope you can heal and move past all this. Try to find and do things that make you happy and healthy. Even talk to someone if you can. Sometimes we just need some help, a talk , a shoulder to cry on.
Think about what you want, where you want to be. Then focus on that future and put the past behind you.

Take care.

Akasha-

Please try to recognize that you are not the situation that you find yourself in.

I know that must seem like a tall order at the moment, but it's good to remember this.

Also, Mz.Gypzy gave some awesome advice in the post above & I hope that you can take at least some of what she said to heart.

The very best of luck to you.

Hi Akasha,

Agree totally with the advice from Mz.Gypzy, and is about as good advice as you can get so there's not much I can add to it.

It sounds like you're going through a period of depression which is understandable considering the negative events that have taken place. Depression is something that plagues myself from time to time and sometimes it helps me to try to detach myself from the situation and try to look at myself and what's happening objectively in the third person.

When I look at it in this way, I see that effectively the mental torment that is taking place is the conscious resistance to the present moment and what is. The intensity of the pain I believe to be linked to the degree of resistance, and our existence is such that we are bound by time so past and future events dominate our thoughts. Past events obviously cannot be changed, and dwelling on past events only ends up burdening the present and the future. Often I make a conscious decision to replace the negative thoughts with how I can improve my current situation, and channel my thoughts into a more positive and productive direction. That's not to say it will definitely work for yourself, but if it does for me so hence me mentioning it.

Mz.Gypsy: Thank you for your advice. I agree that the moral aspect of abortion is not really the issue here, but rather, my view on it. I'm not necessarily sure what influenced this view, (it has nothing to do with religion or any specific set of morals), and I don't think that anybody that has gotten/financially supported/performed an abortion deserves to die/is a murderer, etc. In fact, if anything, this whole experience has shown me that any decision I did make/could have made would inevitably have been the "wrong" one, simply because of the situation, and my tendency to go to extremes in my self-deprecation because of the nagging voice in the back of my head that negatively reinforces everything I do.

On the topic of my parents: yes, they do have issues, especially my mother. She is 1/8 children. Her brothers have no contact with their father, and she and her sisters take care of him in his older age, but only out of a sense of grudging duty. The whole thing stinks of resentment and passive aggressive behavior towards him - but if you're a raised by an emotionally manipulative, resentful, narcissistic person, how can you hope to become anything more? I understand now that my mother is the way she is for a reason, and it's not necessarily "her fault" that she turned out that way - but what ratio do we measure this out in? Was it 50% the context in which she was raised and 50% her own conscious decisions? 75%/25%? 90%/10%? It seems like a silly question, but at what point does "I was raised that way" stop being a legitimate excuse, and one must take responsibility for their actions? I don't hate her, but I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't resent her a little bit for her actions, and dwelling on them isn't going to change anything - but is "forgiving and forgetting" going to change anything, or just leave me open to more abuse?

didnof: Thank you for replying. I agree that dissatisfaction/unhappiness in life is caused by a sort of dissonance - things are this way, but I want them to be that way - resistance. I succeed sometimes in separating myself from the situation, but there are also times where I get into a mode where I am the situation - this event in my life defines me as a person, and, seeing as I consider this event a failure/dark time in my life, my entire existence becomes a failure - note that I am not saying this as a matter of fact - this is just the ruminations and churning thoughts running amok in my head that I have to stop. Thank you again.

Damn, that is a sad story. Was your Mom mostly responsible for getting your girlfriend to terminate it?

Damn man...my heart goes out to you Akasha. So much love to you.

Indirectly, I suppose. They didn't really have contact with each other after I told my mother about the pregnancy. But my GF was aware of everything that was going on and everything she was saying to me. Add that to the fact that our relationship was basically going through the slow, torturous process of ending. Finally she said "I have to get an abortion. It's really my only option at this point."

So she made the final decision - but it was definitely influenced by other parties. I don't blame or hold resentment against my GF for what happened though, because in retrospect I can see it was really more manipulation on my mother's end. At least that's what I perceived.

Stay strong man! You made it this far and now you are stronger for it. Keep on keepin' on!

Man, thanks for sharing. I understand just wanting to spill your guts to someone, and often, at least for me that's not an option in 'real' life. But sharing here isn't like screaming into empty space, there's people that give a s*** here. I'm going thru some s*** of my own, and I'm not looking for advice either. Man, we all need someone we can bleed on, right.

That really sucks that your mom had to put you thru that. It's kinda funny, I'm dealing with a crisis involving my mom at the end of her life, but for me it's trying to reconcile the guilt and shame i have for mistreating her, not the other way around.

And you're absolutely right, at some point in time, all that 'this is how i grew up' bs is a freaking crutch and you gotta get rid of it to walk straight. It's so much damn easier to wallow in mud and walk around in tears making people cry somehow. It takes consideration, thoughtfulness, and especially accountability to live consciously.

I've taken up a new mantra: "to move into the future with considerate deliberation" as a way to vocalize and focus on what I'm trying to do, which is move out of that place of blame and lack of accountability.

Peace to you brother, it's freaking hard sometimes. I get pissed when i hear people talk suicide, even though believe me, i relate. I relate to what your saying, the whole cheating death thing, suicide as not even necessarily being aggressive, just that's what seems right sometimes. But i freaking hate it, hate people talking about it because i know firsthand, to well, what it leaves behind. Even for those who really think noone cares. It screws up the balance of things, badly, and is untenable cosmically, imho.

I'm rambling, but take care, love and peace in light to you.

Holding onto hatred isn't helpful, but I'd say just cut her out of your life. Goodbye Mom thanks for everything, maybe someday she will come say sorry or you can fix it but I completely agree with your choice. Why stick around talking or dealing with an ego on a stick? That's not your true Mom, it's a jumbled collection of ego rationalizations and thought patterns that have formed a crusted and calloused shell around the heart and true love of your real Mom. It's best to let crusty and abusive egos to wallow in their own filth for a while. No offense to your real Mom, who is somewhere stuck inside the shell of what she's become. I was thinking about your question, where does the line get crossed from being nice to being a doormat? I think anytime love is not the basis of the action such as in the case where your mom's completely petty arguments stemming completely from ego then it goes from being nice to a fellow human, to letting a bunch of ego delusions trample your heart for no good reason, and that is unacceptable.

All her arguments are completely stupid sorry to say, completely delusional.

- "You are, and always have been a flaky, undependable person. You're not cut out to be a father, not now, not ever."

People can change and learn and grow, your mom is just putting you down. You could call her names too it doesn't help anyone.

- "Terminate the pregnancy or I will disown you and never speak to you again."\

Threatening their own child? Ruthless.

- "Whether or not you terminate this pregnancy isn't up to you or your girlfriend, it's up to me because you wouldn't be here without me."

So I guess your mom was never allowed to make decisions because she wouldn't be here without them?

- "All your friends at work are only supporting you because they're all white trash who get knocked up and pop out kids so they can collect welfare."

More insults and putdowns. Worthless.

What's done is done, can't beat yourself up for it now. Best of luck to you dealing with all this.

I really agree with spacexplorer. Though, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to separate from your mother, but if she is only going to make your life miserable and treat you like a worthless slave, then what good is it to you to continue communicating to with her. You are only enabling her if you let her to get away with that type of behaviour. I find that type of behaviour deplorable. I will just leave it at that cuz I don't want to start badmouthing your mother too much..lol

Best of luck and strength with all of this!

How are you a horrible human being? The only wrongdoing here was from your mother. What she did was a stone-filled snowball to the face but blaming yourself will cause an avalanche. You were wronged. Blaming yourself for someone else's immature and shockingly disrespectful attitude will lessen your chances to come out of this stronger than before.

If you are being honest, then I can't see how you at fault here. How you react to this could define you as a person.

I'm not sure why/how I am a horrible human being. Objectively, I do not believe I am, and it seems that the general consensus from the responses to this thread are that I am, in fact, not a horrid human being and don't deserve to die. I suppose it's that little piece of her wedged deep in my subconscious, constantly telling me I'm not good "enough," translating into an exaggerated sense of self-loathing after a certain number of years, translating itself into never-ending ruminative thought loops where I end up "trapped" - basically sitting and staring at a wall while my brain goes apesh*t and I can't make it stop.

I actually saw the woman yesterday, and would you believe it? She suggested that I "let go of my anger" towards her and accept the fact that "things happen because they're supposed to happen, not because someone made them happen," essentially trying to underhandedly shift my blame from my loving, supportive mother who did no wrong, to my ex, who "pulled the trigger" so to speak. Narcissistic and sociopathic behavior at its finest. I'd almost be impressed if I was a simple-minded, slack-jawed fool, and didn't have the insight to see past her manipulation. Then after this came the rhetorical question from her: "So this is not your fault at all? None of it is your fault? You're exempt from blame? You did nothing wrong? You're perfect?"

Pathetic.