The day I've dreaded my entire life is very near and I'm at a loss as to how to deal with it. This post is very personal and probably extremely boring. I hope to have a cohesive statement or question by the end of it, but I'm warning you that it's presently cathartic rambling. I'm also certain it's riddled with typos and auto correct errors and i will edit it soon, i apologize for posting prior to, exhausted though emotionally and just can't atm.

I'm the youngest of four children in my family, by 8 years. The rest of my siblings are just a couple years apart and I've always felt 'pendant' to the family, I existed as an only child, while they were close to each other. As a result, for good and/or bad, i developed a close bond to my mother. My father worked in the financial industry, and was really not present in my life, and we've had an extremely stressed and now rather estranged relationship.

Outside of the nuclear family unit, there are no strong bonds between extended members. Even between siblings there is not much communication. With that said, i placed extreme pressure on my immediate family through my years of drug addiction, most of which did not occur in front of them as i lived across the country, but still i had a serious addiction to heroin that did cause a huge amount of damage to already fragile relationships. And the person i hurt the worst is my mother. In disappointment and the sheer emotional abuse i put her through, if there's a hell i belong there. But even so, she never turned her back on me, when literally everyone else gave up and wished me top just go and die, she still was there. In fact, the one thing that prevented many suicides from actually taking place was knowing that it would in turn kill her, at least in spirit.

Which brings me to now. My mother has been in a care facility for six years now, with an illness that has never been adequately explained to me, whether the reason for that is as I'm told mysterious or as usual noone in my family will tell me the truth. She has followed a similar path from this life that her father did, although he suffered massive strokes that caused him to be trapped in his body for seven years before his release. She has become so depressed and from a variety of abuses to her psyche that she has lost her cognitive ability to a very large degree. My father says she doesn't even talk to him when he goes over for breakfast lunch and dinner with her every day. ( and thank yes, yes, i thank god for that one small mercy that is love. For all the distance between us, i am so grateful that he is there to do that for her, for over sixty years they've been together. And I've finally realized what he gave me as a lesson, that true love endures above all else. It is the only thing that is permanent in this world.) I could only hope that someone would be at my side as i shuffle off. And hopefully they'll love me enough to kill me before i become trapped in my body.

So, when i spoke to my Dad last Sunday, he basically told me she's gone, if not in body, she's no longer there. About a week before that, i had a sort of dream, i was in a hypnogogic state prior to falling asleep and within i recall sending a sort of psychic 'ping' to my Mom on the astral. It wasn't something i was trying to do, it was just where the vision led me. But it was unanswered, and i bolted awake. I've 'pinged ' her like that my whole life, it was how i dealt with being homesick as a boy and she's always been there. I had a dream lady night and i never remember dreams, that i had to go pick her up from the hospital, and was in a hurry to do so for some reason, and my boyhood dog was with me that i left behind in Atlanta when i moved to Oregon in 1989. We got to the hospital and picked up my mother, but then the dog disappeared and i was ashamed that i failed in bringing both home.

So, i love the shit out of my mom, and when i told her i loved her, she had taken to saying that she loved me more. And i know i let her down massively. I was her hope in a lot of ways, she lived some of her 'wilder' aspects out through me. My family is very Limbaugh-southern conservative, but she raised me on Greek and Roman myth, took me to all the great museums on the east coast when my father took us on business trips with him at times, she even bought me tickets to my first grateful dead show one Christmas and delighted in me telling her (edited) stories of them . She supported my creative endeavors and desire to be an artist. Alas, i didn't have much other guidance and fell into addiction.

I've been clean for several years from heroin, but on paper, my life is hell. Nothing to speak of in the way of possessions, boy even a home of my own. No kids, no wife. My life is defined more by absence than accomplishment. I really, really hope to change that, i hope that the path I'm on is true, is divinely inspired and will lead me to a place of happiness, fulfillment and comfort but right now its effing hard. And while she doesn't know the extent of it, in fact, i had her convinced i was clean years before it was true, i know still that she will not leave this earth confident that i will have found that. And that hurts.

And it hurts like absolute hell, like the realization of a great deep seated fear, that i will not be able to say goodbye to her. Fuck(pardon, but it fits) everyone's reaction that i can't come across the country to do drop, if i could, i would, but what good would it do? I complain that i have absolutely noone to help me thru this, to hold me and lie to me and say it's all gonna work out, but neither does my Dad. The last thing he needs is to worry about hosting me down there. While i do hope that the silver stupid lining is a kind of reconciliation with my father, i told him for literally the second time in my life that i love him last Sunday. (I was less than ten years old the first time and learned not to), now is not the time for all that.

Anyway, I'm sorry, this still is anything but a cohesive statement, nor does it formulate any kind of question, i don't need advice on that but maybe something else. Prior to getting the lump of crap news, i performed probably the most successful extraction I've done. I began exploring using DMT as sn anti depressant in earnest thru regular dosing only a couple months ago-prior to that, i had used it quite rarely and relied on it more for the experience than any possible pharmacological aspect. However, upon re engaging with it recently while i was in a depressed state, i realized that a dose of DMT had a very beneficial, long lasting effect.

I began self experimenting, seeing how LITTLE i could get away with using, trying to span doses out and see how long it took for symptoms to return. I've found that at about four weeks seems to be the limit. Now, i know that there's no empirical evidence supporting what I'm saying and i haven't really gone on about it here because i don't want to talk out of my rear, so to speak, but it has been very effective. I haven't the slightest what the cause may be, it may be placebo for all I'm aware. I just know it works.

That being said, it's been over six weeks since my last hyperspacial excursion and I've been noticing the old thought patterns, fear based aggression and depression returning for longer than i like, but i had to wait for the extraction to be completed to dose again. However, the phone call came the same day the yield came back, and I've been resistant to smoalk, my heads a real mess now!

While DMT, and 5meo DMT i credit with saving my life from suicidal ideation, addiction and opening my life to vast limitless possibility and I've never had an enduring negative experience with it,I'm far more trepidacious than usual. This isn't pre flight jitters, but I'm wondering if it's a good idea at all. Even the one that were hard to endure ultimately handled me with love and kindness, but I'm concerned that my uneasiness, my questions with life right now, my combined feelings of shame, grief, love and any other negative factor would conspire to somehow harm me.

I've been taking long walks, asking the great spirit for guidance and knowledge, and forgiveness and mercy and i don't know what else to do. I feel conversely that DMT could offer me just that and i wonder, have any of y'all had these questions or thoughts, and if so, what was your course of action?

So there's a question, i guess. thanks for putting up with this.

PAX IN LVX CGE

Wow. Not only do I admire you for sharing, but your second paragraph describes my familial situation almost exactly to a T (I'm the youngest of 3). And, while I never had substance abuse problems, I've had an autoimmune condition, that has been a drain on my family, so I as well can relate to that and having a life defined more by lack than what I have, at this moment.

I also have found hope in DMT, Ayahuasca, and Harmalas. They've been not only anti-depressants, but directly curative of my physical ailments and the psychological conditions that underly them. Though opiates were never really a part of my life, I can still relate to similar issues of avoidance, feeling trapped, desperate attachment to aspects of myself/life that ultimately bring me down.

I will say this, and you've probably heard me say this on other parts of this forum: I believe that for DMTy psychedelic healing to really occur in a sustainable way, it needs to be balanced by the grounding, cleansing aspect of harmalas. Many times I have seen others (including myself) hit the "psychedelic ceiling," where they get too much of the celestial (hyperspace) aspect without much context or direction on how to apply what they've seen in their own personal lives.

I'd say your fears about taking more DMT are founded, and I would caution against the "no pain no gain" attitude toward psychedelics. "It's not meant to be a struggle uphill," as Bjork would say. My recommendation would be to take harmalas (syrian rue or caapi tea), perhaps in preparation for the next DMT trip. This also may steer the trip toward something you can actually learn from, rather than using the substances merely for their antidepressant effects. I don't doubt you've learned things before, but like I said, harmalas will make it more personal.

harmalaaaaaaaaas grouuuuuuuund relaaaaaaaax breeeeathe

Stimulate dat parasympathetic nervous system bruh

Hi

I'm sorry to hear this my friend,,,But is sounds like you are on the right track, I can really relate to your mom - dad dilemma , I'm in the same boat. My mom always stayed with me during my hard times in life, addictions and so on. Your mom sounds like a lovely soul, and you as well. And you sounds like a strong person, i guess, the only thing i can say is keep doing what serves you right. I'm in a hurry right now but I'l come back for more. stay strong

Respect & Love

Sorry to hear about your mother null.. Please do not feel alone, you do have your friends at the Nexus, even though some might say, "it's just an internet forum," I like to think our members actually feel sympathy for each other. I send you and yours good vibes.

I agree with Rhythm in that harmala exploration is your best course of action if you feel like you need a substance to guide you through this time. This of course comes with the standard recommendation of meditating, writing, and maybe being a little something creative (like doing art) to be able to get out and handle your feelings.

Also if you have seen your mother on the astral plane, then it is likely that she knows how much you truly love her, and I'm sure that in this state she is completely forgiving of anything you have done with your life. These are not things to worry about; as cheesy and Interstellar-y as it may sound, the power of love traverses all boundaries.

Your "life on paper" is just that too, a life on paper. Only your feelings and how you treat others matter in the end, and from what I can infer from your posts you are a great person. It's nice to share your story with friends here (as Akasha recently did as well), even though we are just "strangers on the internet." Anyway, try the harmalas and explore your inner feelings and interpretations. Things converge toward being ok.

move closer to your family

spend time with your mom

Go to your mother, if at all possible. Your father may think she's gone, but even those who are severely sick can hold on. Tell her how much you love her, everything you just told us.

Also, you don't need stuff like a job or house to measure up. Material possession are just that, material. It's what you have internally that matters in the long run.

Blessings
~ND

Feelings for you, thanks for writing it, a good way to deal with it.
Blessing for mom, anyhow.
Yes harmalas, why not microdosing for a while, the deep stuff is not the only way as you know, like 50 mg a day (or twice a day spread out). It takes away a lot of this, and/or gives something else of that. Protects the hearth...
Blessings blessings blessings wished.
A virtual hug.

Null my heart goes out to you brother....I wish you and your family the best. <3

[Only other thing is I second what ND and Jin said about trying to go see your mother.]

Hi Null,

First of all I’m very sorry to hear about the change in your personal circumstances and the past events leading up to them. It also sounds like some of these past events still burden your present state, so I believe that in order to free yourself of further guilt and regret it is important to make the correct decision now to save yourself from such future mental torment.

The correct decision I believe is for you to go and see your mother as soon as possible in person, as the others have said her circumstance may have been exaggerated – and don’t forget, even If her condition has worsened and she cannot communicate in her usual way, that hearing is always the last sense to go. So even if she can’t communicate to you, she will still be able to hear you, and only by going to see her and saying what you have to say will you be guilt free. Don’t delay, take action now and you will feel happier for it in the long term.

The same advice also applies to your anguish at what you don't have, possessions, home and partner etc. I strongly believe we shouldn’t get caught up worrying about past and future events as dwelling on the past inevitably burdens the present. Also worrying about future events causes stress in the present as the concern about whether they are achievable or not leads to anguish, so inevitably our present is tainted by past events we can’t change and future events which may not happen! Therefore I believe that acting in a constructive and positive manner in the present things will happen and will lead you to circumstances and social situations where these things will happen in their own due course.

Thanks to all for your time and advice. I'll try to respond:first, thank you from my heart for the kind words. Yes, know that i have friends here and am eternally grateful to this community, online be damned, that's exactly what we are here.

As for the harmalas, that's what i was thinking as well. In the little bit if work I've done with them them, i feel that their addition to a smoalking blend would add the gentle hand i need now.

Unfortunately travel is an impossibility, at the moment anyway. If i could figure out how to get to southern Florida from northern Oregon and only stay for a day, i would. There's a possibility i could borrow some cash and use frequent flyer miles of one of my brothers to get me down there, i don't have the resources.

But i think y'all are right. In my work with psychedelics, my family issues are the things i keep bumping up against, the big black thing i haven't been able to get past. I don't need to make it worse with more regret. Thank you, i know it's probably silly to some that it would be hard to come to a decision like that, but it is.

I can't thank y'all enough for the kindness. It's very much needed and appreciated.

Hi Null.

Since you can't make it to see your Mom, Maybe you could send a letter, call, or better yet, you record a video telling her how much you love her, etc, and have a family member show it to her?

Wishing you and your family the best....