I have a difficult time opening up about this with my parents (don't want to cause them stress as lots of my family has already been dealing with the same stuff..)

I think I am depressed, I try my hardest to eat a balanced diet, exercise, and generally promote good mood through positive interactions and chasing what I want in life, but nothing ever seems to be enough!

I feel broken, people used to look up to me for being to motivated and alive and knowing what I want. Throughout the last two years this has diminished entirely. I am tired all the time, have lack of motivation, have trouble making decisions, cry randomly, feel such sadness and emptiness in the world..

Nexians, I am afraid of going on anti-depression medication, and I don't know what else to do.

I am sure a few of you here can relate, and there are no easy answers. But if you have any questions or advice please feel free to post.. I am at a loss of where to go from here.

Depression is the natural outcome of realizing that there is no lasting satisfaction to be found in the pursuits of this world. It can be an opportunity to look deeper. One of my teachers said once to somebody "Love your depression. It is a blessing." An episode of severe depression years ago got me on the path of yoga and spiritual exploration.

This may sound trite, but happiness is the nature of the self and is not found in external pursuits. Being in touch with that will remove depression and change the perspective from "what can I get?" to "how grateful I am!" and "what can I give?".

The problem sometimes is that there is little capacity left to even imagine the possibility of the darkness lifting off. If you feel this way, simply refuse to believe it. It is not true. Your real nature is to be happy. As much as possible, seek natural remedies to lift you out of the hole at least somewhat so that your own efforts get some traction, but I would not swear off psychiatric meds completely. They can make a positive difference just enough to get you to a better place to work from.

Be blessed.

Do you drink alcohol or smoke cannabis skymotion? If so I suggest you stop.

This being the dmt nexus I of course have to ask if you have tried ayahuasca, or any other harmala/dmt combination?

There are a few things you can try before you go down the pharmaceutical route.

Firstly try and talk it out, either online here, to a good friend, stranger whoever, just express your situation as fully as possible. Then step back and see how you feel, if it becomes externalised and you actually hear the words then often it will be enough to kick start your thinking to develop an action plan and talking in itself is sometimes enough to make people feel better.
If that didnt work maybe try a low dose of mushrooms (or higher if you are familiar and comfortable with psylocin) in a peaceful setting with a caring sitter if neccessary.
Other options are low dose DMT vaped, high dose DMT vaped. harmala microdosing or harmala vaped sublingual regularly, best in the evening.
I had good results from smoking syrian rue extract, its a multifaceted approach as you have the MAOI working biologically and the psychedelic introspective effects too. Also gave quite vivid dreams in which there were messages to pay attention to.
Let us know how you get on, its good that you recognise there is something amiss, as they say accepting a problem is the first step in recovery.

Thank you for answering, I will try to answer your questions and paint you and others a slightly bigger picture.

Yes I do smoke cannabis 2-4x a day, I have become addicted to its anti-nausea and promotion of appetite (I have always been skinny and have under-eaten for a long time in my life due to feeling nauseous and full very easily). I do not drink alcohol more than once a week and I only have a nice craft beer, only one.

This past summer I went on a trip to Peru with my grandmother, on the last day of the trip I did experience my first ayahuasca ceremony in a very sacred and loving space. You can read about it here https://www.dmt-nexus.me...px?g=posts&t=58585. After this experience I felt amazing and forward thinking and clear but since then my feelings of depression have come back (lost all my best friends, moved back in with my parents, lost my girlfriend..) <- these all contributed.

I will also add that I am 21 and started experimenting with psychedelics and mind altering substances at the age of 17, mushrooms have always been my favorite for their theraputic value I have tripped on them 30 times and have learned so much about myself but it was on mushrooms I also had a depressed episode that showed me the depths of helplessness in the universe and how everything I experience means nothing in the end (opposite of my aya experience). I have also experimented many times with LSD and smoked dmt crystal which I find that I dislike greatly due to rapid take off I just freak out and hyperspace is very scary and real.

Please tell me more about how MAOI has helped you including syrian rue because I have not experimented highly with MAOI's (only 2 light changa experiences and 1 big aya experience).

Thank you very much for your perspective, I needed to hear it. I felt the most "how grateful I am, what can I give" feelings after my first aya experience.. I have since lost the way as it seems so easy to happen to me.

I today am starting to supplement 5-htp into my daily intake as a more natural approach before I hop into psychiatric drugs, I want those to be my last resort if all else fails.

I 2 recommend harmaline. see if that increases appatite. and ofcourse cooking. making nice salads and very good meals. you know girls like a good cook. also, weed is probably depleting you of essentials. but then again ur eating on it. that must help. harmaline will help maintain serotonin.

Some people find Hypericum (St John's Wort) very helpful with lifting a mild depression.

5-HTP is a great idea.

Supplementing with fish oil/flax oil/EFA's can really help depression and brain function.

A nice adaptogen such as ginseng, reishi, or schizandra is a good idea too, they help restore the body in general to a state of balance and reduce systemic inflammation, which certainly contributes to depression.

Get enough sleep. Make sure that you are eating enough of the right foods for your body.

Taking B-vitamins, a complex of them but especially b-12 can help a lot with elevating energy levels and motivation.

And, of course, find a thing that you love to do and do it every day.

Sometimes I think depression is the death of a future contstruct in the mind,greiving for a lost future path. By that I mean when something happens to change your previously believed idea of the future, eg maybe you always believed you would be with someone for ever but the relationship breaks up leaving no idea what the future holds and depression results because you had no other ideas in mind. Im not saying this is you its just an example.
I have been in a similar situation, I was living with my parents at far too old an age, what got me out of it and gave me hope (and a positive visualisation of the future) was planning a long term trip away.
I had to save hard and did not have much of a life but it gave me a focus and satisfaction at seeing my plans coming to fruition. Once I was travelling it was incredible, the moment I got on that aircraft a weight lifted off me and I went on to have a great year and made big steps towards being a happier more rounded person.

As for syrian rue, I basically smoked an extract every night for a few weeks until I stopped getting dream visions about my life, at first with cannabis but it started to interrupt the refelctive introspective thought processes I was having and no dreamwork could be done either as it erased any memory of them, or stopped it happening altogether.
It worked quick, the next day after my first session I felt lighter , more motivated and with a new zest for life. They can be quite heavy so sometimes getting up out of bed can be hard but once you are out of bed you soon notice the positive difference.
A better dosing method would probably be a tincture or weighed out for sublingual.
When I next get a bout of depression I will definitely go back to syrian rue its retarded that its treated as a class A/schedule 1 substance.

"but it was on mushrooms I also had a depressed episode that showed me the depths of helplessness in the universe and how everything I experience means nothing in the end." Maybe, but maybe its all part of the great equation that we cant percieve or maybe you were right it does all means nothing in the end, but thats ok as long as it means something NOW, because for us mortals now is all there is and all there ever will be.

meditate

there are many methods

but for depression vipassana is particularly helpful http://www.vipassanadhura.com/howto.htm

when the depression rises , focus on it , and keep focusing

notice at the same time how breath is affected by it

after focusing on the depression itself notice how it passes away in a few minutes

nothing is permanent ,

edit : also focus on the exhale calmly and when concentration is strong enough , let go of the exhale and focus on calmness itself

First of all, Welcome back Sky Motion!

Then, since your symptoms of depression are new, i would not get too worried. They may appear worrysome, they are new and therefore frightening. If this is your first time being depressed, there is a good chance for complete healing. The fact that you are consciously able to adress your state as a problem shows of your mature consciousness.

It is good that you are trying to find the root of this evil because most likely, this is where the cure is to be found. Sometimes, the solution is hard to come by. But it might just be that you are in need of adjustment



That is very quoteworthy indeed, and might be something to think about in your situation. Maybe you can talk it through with a friend or even psychologist if possible. You don't have to be "crazy" to seek someone to help generate some clarity and perspective.

I highly recommend to stay on it though. Chronified Depression is notoriously hard to treat and most people who take antidepressive medications will never get better. Chronic depression leads to hippocampus shrinkage and diminished neuroplasticity and can make you spiral into a pretty pittyful existence. So i believe that mild herbal remedies might provide some support in your case. 5-htp has some efficacy in my experience and might just be enough in your case. You might also want to look into ceremonial grade cacao - there is a really good "herbal anti depressives" somewhere on here full with ideas and ratings.

Keep in mind that my opinions in this thread are related to MY situation not yours. You might just need a little push to break out of the funk, find a new perspective and live happily thereafter.

I wish you the best!

I think the worst thing you can do about depression, is worry about it..and trust me I understand. I deal with it constantly, as well as serious social anxiety..and I know what it's like to feel like you let everyone down, or you have to watch people(gf's, friends etc) simply walk out of your life one day..

I think behind the veil of all depressions, there is a little glimmer of gnosis... and if nothing else you can be thankful for that, because it is an invitation towards the numinous.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2Bzx6OX9gY

If you have not yet, please look into the life of Rumi.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eB3UPypZmA4

Well, I've been wanting to add something valuable to this, but so many great points have been brought up. I guess that illustrates for me something i don't think has been said, and that is the importance off some kind of support system. I've used this place extensively to help work through my issues with depression, whether a transient episode or help with maintaining.

Finding people to be with face to face is also necessary, but sometimes, we don't really let them know how it feels inside. Here, were anonymous, so let it all hang out!

Peace to you!

I think this is the most insightful thing that's been said in this thread so far. I always enjoyed the concept of depression being a sort of "fail-safe" that your brain initiates when you're not doing what you really want, and an impetus to change things. It also makes sense on a purely biological level - if you're malnourished, or physically out of shape, symptoms of depression might show up in an "undepressed" person - and then go away once proper health is achieved again. On the other hand, an individual may be in great physical health and be financially successful, but still depressed because he's only now realizing that he's essentially been chasing a materialistic existence, instead of simply doing what he wants to do on a day-to-day basis.

I have dealt with bouts of depression for at least fifteen years, some periods being short and relatively benign, others being literally debilitating and impeding my ability to function in day-to-day life. In my personal experience, psychopharmaceuticals have been nothing but trouble and have caused me to take more steps backwards than forwards throughout my experiences. However, it should also be noted that I had relatively little faith in them to begin with - if I don't believe that something's going to help me, it's probably not going to - your situation might be different if you look at them favorably.

Cutting back on the Cannabis might be a good idea also, although I'm not going to tell you to stop completely. It'll suck for a few days, but once you get into the habit of burning every couple of hours, it's hard to really ever have the motivation to do anything, and laziness contributes to depression very much. On a side note, I've noticed that vaporizing Cannabis has a much different effect on my mood than smoking it. When I smoke, I feel burnt out, lazy, and tired, but when I vaporize, I just feel a really heavy mood life without all the inebriation.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey, and keep us updated.

Sometimes trying your hardest is on a relatively level playing field with yourself, and sometimes you got to push beyond that. Hard to do initially, but in the end your typically happier you did. By pushing I mean in terms of 'eating healthy, exercise, etc'. Consistency is key with those things, as with anything else is life. Life favors persistence, favors those who push earnestly, beyond their complacency. This spills over into all facets, not just eating right and exercise.

Chasing things in life, ime, has been pretty counter-intuitive, because when I stop the chase and focus on whatever task it is at hand, eventually, things just come into your life; could be a day, a week, an hour, a month, a few minutes, but they do come. Try not to put your awareness into the future thinking about "what will come", or in the past of "what should've/could've/etc". Life's mysterious like that. It's beautiful. Finite things can't appease an infinite hunger.

You say your tired all the time, but you probably already realize that's because of smoking weed 2-4x a day, or at least has a big role to play. I smoked for 11 years, every day, similar to you. There's no issue with weed per say, just frequency, falling out of a delicate dance with the plant, as with any chemical/plant/substance, it most certainly happens and has happened with me. Cutting back on my frequency of use of weed has nearly eliminated all my tired spells that id get. I still smoke multiple times a week, but it's coordinated late evenings usually before bed, or during the weekends when im doing activities i love. Any more than that, and I will end up passed out eventually, doesn't matter what strain i smoke. Cut back on usage, coordinate it into your life better and i guarantee things will change in that department.

And a nice alternative, depending on your lifestyle, as far as anti-depressant chems go, harmalas are great, in low amounts, alternating time on and off, once again depending on lifestyle/etc. To be honest though, diet and exercise are so insanely vital to a happier/healthier physicality and being, that you should push in that direction at all costs, incorporating those into your life as much as possible, moreso than before, consistently.

You have it in you to pull through all this. Many have been there, to varying degrees, including myself. The above mentioned saved my life, more or less. Very powerful.

<3

Tat, me being one who endlessly defends marijuana use, I've found that i don't get tired from weed with higher percentages of THC and low CBD

All advice that I've seen so far has been very good, so all I can really do is emphasize that you need to reach out.

What I can add to that is that you don't necessarily need to connect with people in person. Even watching movies/TV or reading about the experiences of others will give you perspective on what you're feeling in a way that will at least allow you to realize that you are not alone. In this vein, I personally recommend looking into comedy. Comedians have a way of interpreting situations in a way that I think has allowed me to make light of my own situation as well. So comedians who focus on depression and self-deprecation would be a good place to start. You might try finding a TV show with a main character who is often depressed or socially hopeless. Maybe this is horrible idea, but at least it might get your mind off your own depression while you're focusing on the depression of others...others who may have insight regarding how to get past the depression.

Hopefully my suggestion adds something to this whole "embrace your depression" attitude that others have echoed.

I think its also very important to battle falling into learned helplessness as I think that can be a downward spiral, the way I have found that works is by micromanaging my daily routine, question what makes you feel worse or what you think maybe holding you back, usually with me that means stopping smoking weed (weed can cause depression, either by making you overthink things or numbing you), cleaning my space, plan to eat proper meals and take care of myself physically, have a shave wash my hair clean my clothes etc and force myself to go for walks and plan my way out of my current state of mind by making multiple small but positive steps in the right direction.
Sometimes when youve smoked weed for so long regularly you forget how upbeat you can feel without it once the initial reslessness is gone.
Sometimes you dont realise the people you socialise with may also be dragging you down unintentionally with their attitude or personality, it can be hard to isolate yourself from these people especially if you are introverted and dont have many freinds or aquaintances to begin with but sometimes it just has to be done.
Getting a new hobby usually helps too and I highly recommend martial arts for improving your health physically and mentally.

There are a number of questions you can ask yourself..
1.Is it my situation that is getting me down?
2.Is it my habits?
3. is it the people I hang out with?
4.Am I absorbing other peoples negative attitude?
5. Do I hate my job?
6.What job would I like to do and can realistically aim for?
7.Is it the environment?
8. Is it the world I live in?
9. Is there something/someone I am angry with? Am I turning this anger inwards?
10. Am I concerned about something that is trivial and does it/should it be affecting me as it is?

I echo others when I say depression can be a catalyst for a positive change I hope you can make the change in your world skymotion, Im sure you can, I've always found a multi-dimensional approach to be the best it doesn't sound like you need any pharmaceutical medication you have the power within you and the nexus and our plant allies are here to help too.
Also VERY important is to be kind to yourself!

Skymotion, what you're saying rings lots of bells with me too. Recent data shows that 1 in 3 people have some sort of mental illness, and I too contribute to those figures. Most people tend to keep it to themselves, and like yourself I am also reluctant to seek medication. I have kept this completely to myself up until about 2 years ago when I told my wife, and it was very difficult to do.

My depression isn't serious enough to make me do anything drastic, but it happens on a daily basis and is a general 'wishing I was someone else/never been born' feeling. On the outside looking in it makes no sense whatsoever. I live in a nice place, nice area, have an amazing family, am very positive about the future, enjoying my career, and live comfortably, but there's obviously an imbalance somewhere in the brain which is causing these issues... if it is a chemical imbalance then medication could help this imbalance, and I know this is correct, but for some reason I am just very reluctant to go ahead with it, I think although I know I contribute towards the stats, I don't want to officially.

Two points people have made I definitely agree with, the smoking definitely wont be helping as this brings about a general feeling of lethargy and apathy which wont be helping things, maybe limit the smoking to one before bed to start with? Also the fact that it is a relatively short term thing is a good sign, a couple of years could just be a phase, I'm sure you will come through it ok at the end.

You say that you smoke cannabis 2x4 times a day.
I would definitely stop smoking for a good 3 weeks at least and see if it makes a difference.
Cannabis (prolonged use especially) is known to make some people feel depressed, me included.
If you use any dopamine stimulants such as coffee or tobacco on a regular basis I would cut those out to.
Both coffee and tobacco regulate your dopamine levels and can make some
people very depressed, again me included.
Personally I drink coffee every now and then but I know that I have to pay the price about 4 hours later
when I get paranoid and have self destructive thoughts. I feel like shit
but at least I know it's drug induced.
If that doesn't work I recommend you go see a psychologist if you can afford one or try out one the other activities that
have helped other people like meditation, yoga etc.

You are also 21 years old...it's hard to stop being 21 years old but yeah, it can be a confusing time.
Everybody will probably experience some crisis several times in their life, it's
just the way it is.
My biggest suggestion though is to cut out the weed so you can think critically and clearly about your
problems to see if they are even real.
If it's a drug induced depression thinking about your problems will not help you one bit, only make you more
confused because you are trying to apply a drug induced depression to a real life event or feeling.
If this is the case it can very negatively affect your personality, confidence etc.

My advice for depression: stop caring so much about the things that depress you. Stress is a leading cause for depression, so get rid of it and the things that cause it. Btw daily Cannabis won't help you solve your problems, better treat the plant with respect (aim for getting high 3 times a week at the max.).

Some chemical ideas for reinforcing your middle finger and to find ease with Cannabis withdrawal:

Bupropion (anti-depressant amphetamine for longterm use, go ask a doc)
Phenibut (anxiolytic, muscle relaxant, google Liftmode phenibut)

Mushrooms helped me to get rid of the hazy cannabis fog and to tackle my problems, but they are too unpredictable and more of a short-term fix (imo). They also became mean with prolonged use (+40 trips) so I'm not really recommending them.