Several years ago; I think, the winter of '99-2000, I spent several weeks in a traditional setting and doing 'the diet'. There was a shorter follow up visit in 2003. I've had no other experiences with nn dmt until my first smoke - about ten months ago. I had frequent lsd and mushroom experiences in my teens and twenties but, am now 45 and have had a scant few reminder trips in the last 20 years. A recent resurgence of interest in self exploration and the exploration of consciousness has captured the bulk of my limited free time, as of late. My reawakened curiosity led me to order some yopo seeds with which I received a small (5gm) free sample of mhrb. I extracted it (Cyb's salt) and then waited for the first opportunity to vape. All thanks to knowledge gained here at the Nexus.


I have three young children and a demanding job so, the idea of vaping seems time effective but the chances to do so are still few and far between for me. The first moment it was possible (a full month after the extraction), I rushed to gather my things together. I ran for a futon pad in the basement studio and unceremoniously prepared to vaporize 15mg of pale yellow crystals. I used a cleaned glass mj pipe that hadn't seen any use in nearly two decades. I nested it in a small bed of basil on top of a single crumpled strand of copper scrubber and then all was capped with a ceramic flavor disc. I pre-melt and as I start to hit, not more than a few seconds in, my pipe was covered in brightly luminous patterns that I recognized from my time with the Shipibo. A high pitched carrier wave, accompanied by an impending sense of doom, overcomes me but I assume I haven't pushed myself far enough. I take a second hit, as I have been timid with the jet lighter for fear of burning the bowl. With the second hit, the carrier wave rises in pitch and intensity, I am utterly overwhelmed with dread. I try to shake it off but the feeling has me. MY first instinct is to run to try to escape it, I can only bring myself to all fours and frantically brush away at my head in attempts to make it go away. The closest I can imagine to describe this feeling is being with all of your most loved people and in some surprise situation, their throats are slit while you are helpless to change anything because it's too late.


As I collapse to the floor, I am transported to a shadowy image of my childhood neighborhood. The monotonous call of a migratory bird outside my window is superimposed over a trip to the darker side of my early memories. I have a distinct feeling of being the child who was fractioned off from the rest of my waking consciousness. Memories of abuse filled me but not as memories of the remote past, memories I was in the midst of. I wandered the neighborhood (or was transported through it) and stopped in front of the houses of other children who were abused. I lived in the present tense of hushed voices of horrified neighborhood children who knew what was happening to some of us but were powerless to do anything. The sort of things that are quickly stricken from the conscious mind. I heard the torturous voices of the abusers but in a compressed sort of garble/growl as the bird call was setting the temporal meter.


As I regained some of my normal senses, I felt enraged to have been given this experience. "Bullshit!", I shouted. I was so angry that I had spent so many years working through all this and had mostly felt these issues could lay to rest in a past that no longer had any any power or influence over my life. Still 'groggy', I noticed a large hornet trapped near the window and trying to get out. I didn't want to be stung in the state I was in so set it free from a glass capped by a piece of paper, in the back yard; quickly darting back into the house as I still felt as if I'd ingested a large dose of lsd and didn't want a chance encounter with a neighbor. And then, within minutes, waves of compassion roll over me. I then see that I've been reunited with a large section of my mind, and far from only bad memories.


I spent the following eight months enjoying the benefits of integration. I've not only gained some mindfullness and compassion with my family and coworkers but those have extended to recenter me and return an inner calm I've not had since I was raw fooder that meditated several hours a day. I have had the fortitude to improve my diet (at least to pescatarian with plans of going veg and then summertime raw fooder over the next couple years), and give up alcohol, tobacco, and very little coffee as these last two were my breakfast and lunch for several years. I began these healthier habits before this experience but attribute it, and reading here on the Nexus, to making it part of who I now am.

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Over the past couple of months, a dear old friend and tripping buddy has been in town for an extended visit. This has prompted another extraction and a couple more experiences. This time with a sitter, as we took turns. Once with 10mg and a few days later with 20mg. The smaller dose had no carrier wave and took several seconds to fully immerse myself into. CEV consisting of a central morphing column flanked by two oval fields, in which various activities were taking place, and an arabesque frame - like looking into half a magic walnut shell. Just outside the periphery were voices commenting on various aspects of my state of being and focus. I felt that this was what was significant and the visual field was a mere distraction. The voices felt locally generated and were something to observe as they were observing me. I avoided focus or interaction with any particular voice as I felt it would manifest in to some portal to some unpleasant mental masturbation of sorts. Avoiding this felt like a bit of a triumph for me and emboldened me to plan for a larger dose as my buddy was ready for one too.

A few days passed and my friend and I were ready. I premelted on a bed of mullein and blue lily with the same device as before and pulled the 20mg slowly and in a single hit. Again no carrier wave and several seconds to become absorbed by the experience. The same dread as my first trip and the same reflex to run and escape from it. A motif of 1970's style board game cards with animated cameos were crashing around in patterns that occasionally opened to reveal some pastoral image of a creek or a picket fence while disembodied heads of my childhood abusers floated over in cycles as their faces changed to match their age over years of abuse. I was in the time when their faces looked like that and it felt as if it was the only feeling I had ever felt. I was, again, the child who had been fractioned off. Five or six minutes in, I briefly opened my eyes to get out of it but was filled with fear of imprinting these feelings on my normal waking consciousness and the OEV were freaking me out as it was. As the cycle wore on, I also aged and became less and less vulnerable to these feelings. The disembodied heads became older with each cycle and I went through these years of buried memories and grew into adulthood and reacquired a certain sense of invulnerability to all this.


Within the rhythmic squall of sound I was able to pick out the buzzing of a hornet's wings which was one of the cameos on one of the cards which came through with each cycle. This was 15 minutes in to the trip and over the following 45 minutes, as I slowly returned to baseline, that hornet became my friend and ally. It reminded me of how disturbing it is for a very small child to have that feeling of having just been stung by a poisonous insect and watching it there on your body, fluttering it's wings, and there's nothing you can do, and it's horrible, and it's too late to change it. It became a metaphor for so many things in my life. How inconsequential the things in my life that upset and anger me in the grand perspective of these moments, like a tiny insect sting in the distant past. And how intense something can feel before you've outgrown the scale of it. I am certainly a more gentle and compassionate father and husband and, find myself much less argumentative and more content in general. I'm enveloped in warmth and calm whenever I remember this image of the hornet from my vision.

While these experiences were, for the most part, profoundly unpleasant, I owe a large part of my present sense of great well being to them. And, of course, to some daily reading here on the Nexus with all it's brave souls, fighting 'the good fight' and mastering 'the great work'. Thanks, so much, to all of you.


I plan to start incorporating harmalas in the near future (I certainly felt invincible during my time with the Shipibo) in the form of changa. Though, I will probably scale back to 10mg or so of dmt for a while. At least, until it becomes a bit more manageable. I am somewhat open to suggestions.


I'll apologize now if my schedule prohibits a timely response to any comments.

Interesting report , I can relate I'm about to turn 50 this year yikes . Family house job responsibilities hard to find time to go
but I always look forward to the next opportunity .
My own explorations have become a vital part of maintaining my sanity these days actually .It's a constantly evolving process.
I highly recommend incorporating some caapi vine in the mix.
I left spice by itself years ago and never looked back.
I think it's essential to the experience and will help to bring it into better focus for you. all the best

Well written report friend.

It's easy to fall into the 'impending doom', especially when the experience is coming on quickly, enveloping every last bit of your being, completely shredding apart what you once knew.

Next time, don't fight it, in any way - mentally or physically speaking. Easier said than done I know, especially when your in the cusp of it, but realizing that no-matter what that your coming back, tends to help. Any micro thought or physical resistance can instantaneously spiral the experience into very murky waters, tugging the strings of personal fear. Full trust and acceptance of what comes about, simply observing it all, not imposing any type of personal thought onto the experience, has been the best bet, ime. An equanimity of sorts; an impartiality.

Personal practices to quiet the mind, whatever they may be, really do go hand in hand with being able to traverse these states without the perception of unpleasantness/etc.

Changa, or sublingual harmalas beforehand can do wonders, in slowing the experience down enough to where the assimilation is much more manageable. But don't be fooled; the experience can can be every bit as intense as freebase.

When a sappling is carved into with a knife the injury is as wide as the trunk. although that mark may never fully heal you can grow the tree around the mark; and as you grow the scar will become disproportionate in size to the tree that you are.

that's how i feel about recovery from a serious problem such as child abuse. i took joy in reading this; thank you for posting

I enjoyed reading your report, thank you for sharing. I certainly appreciated the name of the thread, for obvious reasons

Your experiences somewhat mirror my own. I am younger, but became a father at a young age and have struggled with issues from my childhood (abuse and trauma). Thank you for having the courage to share something so intimate with the forum. It really puts an emotional context and further meaning into your writing.

I dipped my toes in very slowly with DMT, just as you have. I was very cautious and respectful, feeling this was the best approach. After quite a while of that I decided it was time to simply take the plunge. Low doses can and are very helpful, don't get me wrong. But you'll know when you're ready to take the next step and see the multitude of wisdom that a DMT breakthrough can impart.

I have yet to visit the jungle and drink with a shaman, but I imagine there is great support in that situation. It would certainly help quell the feelings of fear, loss of control, etc. This journey with extracted DMT is a little more lonely, a little more frightening I agree that incorporating harmalas would be beneficial and can help make the experience a bit more approachable.

Good luck in your future travels!

Thank you for the responses. It was nice hearing from some of the old guard. You are amongst the group whose avatars I search for when I first open the forum screen. I have appreciated your mature attitudes here and you have enheartened me to find a place here at the Nexus.

Felnik: I have wanted to ask how any Nexians who are parents are able to manage their time effectively, since before I joined almost a year ago. I suppose if I become more accustomed to frequent use, I may need smaller window of time. I certainly remember being able to ride a wave of positive energy with regular doses of lsd, and dosing became less dependent on having ideal circumstances in which to do so. I can wait until I am able to start a thread on the subject of psychonautical exploration being balanced with being a good family person but, would appreciate any insights you have time to offer whenever you can... And I will certainly take your advice on adding caapi to the experience.

Tattvamasi: Your comments have added some much needed illumination to my circumstance. I am coming to understand that revisiting the same set of core stimuli after eight months of what I considered serious integration, is a wake up call to confront these things in the here and now. I won't be ready to return to the kind of exploration I was engaging in 15 years ago, until I finish reunifying my mind and at least accept the behavior of, if not forgive, my abusers, at a fundamental level. The paths to this are opening up before me with this realization. I will also make whatever efforts are necessary to regain some of the silence my mind once had.

Just Say Know: A very nice metaphor. I won't forget it.

Metanoia: Thanks for the green light on using your name - I was worried my use of it as a term, might not have stood up to your scrutiny. And thank you, so very much, for being courageous as well, and coming out to stand at my side as someone who was abused. I hope we have a chance to speak at length sometime. I am confident that I will be in a position to pursue a breakthrough dose one day. I do recall the midland doses of lsd being quite a bit more challenging to the ego and that this could be circumvented with a larger dose. I, however, believe my ego needs some challenging, as of late, and I think it's doing me a world of good. I think I'll be in for some astounding launches when I've got this all a bit more sorted. As far as drinking with a maestro? I can not recommend it enough. Though, the circumstances I was in, no longer exist. Sadly, my teacher has passed away and the fourth world village he lived in is now closer to a third world town. I would posit the same question to you, as I did to Felnik, regarding family life; in this thread, or in some later thread, if you should have some time.


Thank you, all, again! While this forum has been something of an obsessive fascination for me, the warmth that flows here is much more touching with direct interaction. It feels like a big 'welcome home!'.

I very much enjoyed reading your experience and being myself father of 2 I would love to see the more "mature" members of this forum having a discussion on "the subject of psychonautical exploration being balanced with being a good family person" as you put it. Very much in the same way that people who have not tried DMT cannot actually understand what the hell we are talking about, I believe the same applies to being a family person and having kids.

Oh, no problem at all. I found your use of the word fitting and it put a smile on my face

I spent years of my life trying to ignore the abuse I suffered but it only made things worse for me. I don't shy away from discussing it now, in the right context of course. I'd love to chat as well, send me a PM any time

As for integrating psychedelic use into your life, being a parent, that is definitely worthy of its own thread! I can see that discussion being pretty lengthy and interesting, seeing how others manage their time, some of the inevitable questions from the young ones, etc. I remember discussing this a bit on this forum previously, but I have no idea which thread it was exactly and it would take some searching to possibly find it. Perhaps I'll start a thread dedicated to the subject in the future