So I was sitting here having a "Jesus Christ!" moment when I recalled some aspects from my experience last night, as in "Jesus did that actually happen!?" This is my motivation to share, It's too much to contain by myself.

This was the first time taking a psychedelic in 4.5 years. Since then I've taken up a daily meditation practice and hit a 10 day meditation retreat. This is surely in my favor as tools to help work with the psychedelic in a more beneficial manner. Things like equanimity, compassion, concentration and mindfulness all contribute to making for an overall smoother experience.

Over the course of the night I ate 1.3 grams in small portions to test the waters, to make sure I wasn't getting in over my head.

At first it was a mostly mental trip with psychedelic and archetypal thoughts. Later I swear I saw in 4d. But it was only after a small application of concentration. I could transition to and from this alien form of perception effortlessly. I was holding a cup and saw infinity in it. There was some kind of fractal superimposed over it. I could see infinity in any thing that I chose to concentrate upon. I couldn't make any sense of it and didn't try to. Only now am I scratching my head wondering what I saw. It wasn't that profound at the time but now, reflecting back, it makes my heart fill with anxious energy. It makes me slightly angry because I crave to have the experience again.

The energy of the psychedelic experience may be too much for me. Unless I have a breakthrough experience I will not quell the craving. But the risk is not worth it. Right now is not the time to be taking breakthrough levels of psychedelics. I've had my share of experiences. The most intense raptures were hellish, my most intense experiences were always traumatizing. But I've hand enough light body high experiences from weed to balance it out.

This experience was neutral to positive and it was medium in intensity. The mechanics of the visuals were far more complicated than that of the vibrating visual field of static from cannabis or sober meditation. Let me explain. This field sometimes squirrels and makes patterns or objects, but are very faint at this point in my practice. The visuals from a low dose of cyanescens were non existent unless I concentrated on something. It didn't seem like my mind was making creative visuals but that I could visually go into objects seeing them in dimensions that I cannot understand. It seemed that there was some sort of mathematical lawfulness to what I was seeing. Seeing a glowing lamp in this manner and then seeing fractals in my cup.

It was fascinating a fascinating experience and an honor to eat the flesh of a being that allows psychic communion with it, to commune with a being native to the same land as I. America.

But the fascination leaves an unpleasantness in me. There wasn't completion or closure. In my hellish trips I reached the limits of my sanity and endured great suffering. It's legacy to me is to know my deepest fears so that I can process them in a gradual manner over time becoming a more grounded person in the process. This trip doesn't leave me a legacy it just shows what a concentrated visual state can look like.

So I should just keep meditating to improve concentration. This relates to the unsatisfactoriness of the trip. If I continue to practice I believe the possibility to be able to see infinity in all things and the loss of ego boundaries may be realized.

Until then another trip like this is just a distraction on the path. Everything in life is just a preparation for death. I just need to breath and be patient, staying embodied. It's tempting to go out and try more psychedelics but I know the impulse to do this is fear that "there is not enough". Not enough time left, not enough pleasure had, not enough mysteries explored or adventures had. This lack mentality is simply to be looked at with equanimity and then the craving to trip again so soon drops away.

Phew. Now I can put that "Jesus Christ" moment to rest. I need to get this off my chest and get some sleep. Good night nexians.