Last night was the craziest experience of my life and I think I can step back from Ayahuasca/DMT for a bit. Background: I have done 3 ceremonies prior to this one, the first two were mild (as they can be sometimes), but the third which I did two months ago resulted in a lot of cosmic information about my life/past lives, etc. However, it wasn't very visual. I have also smoked DMT ~60 times.
I drank once, his song started and I felt absolutely nothing. Eventually I started to feel a bit of dread and said to myself 'mother Ayahuasca has abandoned me just like every other woman in my life'. I throw up, still nothing - in hindsight I believe this was the plant making way/clearing me out for my second drink...
When it's offered, I drink a second and immediately return to my spot and lay down in fetal position. I feel my third eye activate, start seeing fractals and having intense visions, similar to the breakthrough spot of a smoked DMT trip - I eventually see everything you read/hear about: snakes, ancient beings, aliens, TONS of sacred geometry. I am having full on closed and open eyed visuals but have my wits about me enough to know I am about to seriously purge (vomit) for the first time ever during a ceremony.
The visions get VERY dark and menacing and it feels like the plant is pulling something out from the depths of my soul - all of the fractals and everything remain with eyes opened or closed. I stumble to the bathroom which luckily is not occupied because I'm dry heaving on the way in the door.
I vomit my entire life out, I can't even see the vomit or toilet for the most part because I was seeing pure energy/fractals, but it miraculously made it into the toilet (mostly). The visuals immediately got more intense and were extremely dark and the plant spirit told me that some sort of ancient curse/something that latched onto me in the past had been expelled - I saw a sheet of grotesque eyeballs on the wall all looking at me immediately after vomiting, which was the scariest imagery I saw, but I welcomed it because I knew exactly what was happening and I was ready for that dark energy to be released. I gather myself, stand there and kind of say "am I okay? I'm okay. ... holy shit, I feel amazing". Clean up the vomit that missed and go back into the ceremony feeling like I accomplished something and feel relief from something that had been bothering me my entire life. It was like I immediately felt balanced.
Everything I've read and heard told me that as bad as it gets during a purge, the inverse happens after. That was the most gnarly I had ever purged and the darkest visions I have ever had (and the most vivid by far), so I was ready to just hang out and talk to the plant spirit...
I can't really put to words what the following hour and a half/two hours were like but I'll try: Open or closed eyed I saw the flower of life pattern/a bunch of sacred geometry and I basically could do anything. I closed my eyes and I could travel through space and time. I saw my friends, my family, checked in on them, felt pure love and was grateful to be alive. I went through a BUNCH of people in my life one by one and basically said 'I love you' to all of them over and over and was laying there laughing into my pillow because of how miraculous it was. I realized I should utilize this time of communication wisely, so I began to ask the spirit questions, and I got an explanation as to why I was (am?) a depressed person despite having a great life. I was told that it's because coming to this plant medicine and seeing behind the curtain - and subsequently spreading the word about this powerful thing - is a significant part of my calling in life.
I feel amazing today, but a little shell shocked. This was the ceremony I had been working towards and I am so grateful that I trusted my own intuition to keep working with the vine, despite not getting what I really 'wanted' from a couple past ceremonies.
Now, the bad part:
A couple of my friends came with me and had very mild (or sad) experiences and on our way out we spoke to a couple that were complaining about the same happening with them. For some reason I think the brew this time was a bit weaker or something, but I just hope it didn't turn them off from Ayahuasca because of how important it is. It's frustrating to scratch at the surface of breaking through and having true visions and communication with this higher being and not get there fully, especially if you've had a breakthrough DMT experience and kind of see where it's heading. All of this said, I think I'm done with this shaman because speaking with him before and after felt very impersonal and I'd like a deeper connection/to be able to speak with the facilitator in depth about my experiences.
The coordinator suggested that the reason I had such an intense experience is because this was my 4th time and the more you work with it, the more sensitive you are to it and the more is revealed... So, imagining a stronger brew and where that will lead me is both exciting and terrifying, but I'll definitely drink again when the time is right.
For now though, I left whatever was wrong with me in a toilet in Topanga Canyon.