Hello fellow Nexians,

Last night I embarked on a solo 6g mushroom trip to figure some things out. I called my brother about an hour into it, not because it was going bad, but I simply just wanted to talk to him and his roommate, I thought it would be enjoyable. My plan was to hangout with Dimitri at the peak of the mushroom trip, so after about an hour on the phone with him we said our goodbyes and I prepared to smoke.

Talking on the phone with him took me out of the psychedelic state of mind I was in prior to calling him, so I sat down for ten minutes or so trying to re enter that state of mind. When I thought I was ready, I grabbed the genie, said a prayer asking God to show me what I needed to see, and then smoked.

Having only loaded 20mg, I was expecting a fairly light trip. That's not what happened at all. Immediately after smoking, I died. It wasn't just ego death, it was complete and utter death. I died. Death was truly an extraordinary experience. I experienced every form of existence there (existing, not existing, existing in third person, existing in multiple forms, etc.). What was fascinating was that I was put into a cube looking room (common theme amongst my most recent trips) and I was sitting in front of myself, looking at myself. And it wasn't like I was looking at a reflection, it was like my very existence was sitting in a chair in front of me. It was phenomenal, and I loved it. (Every thing was red and blue colored at this point).

While I was looking at myself, I heard what sounded like a wolf howl. Still, no fear, just interest. At this point, however, everything had changed. Everything turned to black and white. This single noise began to consume me, I was completely alone, but surrounded by this noise. It was horrifying. The best way I could describe it was as punishment. It was the sound of demons shredding apart my soul and I was forced to listen to it as punishment. I experienced what eternity was like. I became engulfed in the horrifying noise of my soul being torn apart. The noise was filled with HORROR, HOPELESSNESS and ETERNITY; every time I heard the noise, that is what I was struck with, and it was never going to end. I was being punished. I remember wanting to kill myself, but knowing full and well that I couldn't, because I was already dead. I was in hell, and nothing existed except for the demons and I, and they were there to force me to experience horror for eternity (I never understood the concept of eternity until after having experienced it). I tried opening my eyes, but they were gone. I was dead. It was as if they were already opened and closed at the same time. While I was there, I finally understood the concept of hopelessness and horror as well. An analogy I used to describe what it was like to my brother was to imagine a long room, and the further in the room you got, the worse everything became, and at the far wall was the absolute worst it gets, but it doesn't end there, from there, the wall extends infinitely forever, and every second will be worse than the second that you just experienced for eternity.

Somehow I managed to pull myself out. I was looking at myself again (still in sheer terror). I grabbed my phone and managed to call my brother (no idea how, I hardly recognized what my phone was). However, I wasn't just under the impression, but I truly believed that my brother would not answer. And not in the way that he was't able to talk right then, but in the way that he NEVER even existed. When he answered, I was brought to tears and just began to ball. I was back and I got a second chance.

I spoke with my brother for the next few hours trying to process what had just happened and waiting for the mushrooms to wear off (I was still in horror). What was strange though, was that after I came back, it was almost as if the mushrooms had worn off (though I still had another 2 hours to go). I felt completely normal because now it wasn't the difference of feelings between being sober and being on mushrooms, it was the difference of being dead and now being alive again (so I felt entirely sober).

Anyways, I'm glad this happened. I had been dealing with a recent chain of events that left me feeling broken and I had told my friend that I needed an awful trip to be able to jump this hurdle in my life. This experience helped me to actually understand what hopelessness, horror and eternity are. And now, I look at the situation I'm in and on a scale of 1-10 in how bad it is it is only a 1. Where I was was a 10. I realized that there is always hope in situations on this earth, even being able to die is a form of hope. Where I was, there was no hope, I couldn't even kill myself to get out. I was hoping for an experience like this, but I guess we as human beings aren't capable of understanding how bad it truly gets. God probably laughed at me and was like "alright fucker, don't say I didn't tell ya, but here ya go." Anyways, I'm thankful for this and would like to get some of your thoughts. I think it'll be awhile before I'm back to normal and I don't know if I will ever pick up the genie again. I realized that there are some fears you are not capable of facing, and all you can do is do everything in your power to avoid them. For example, if God gave me the options to live the remainder of my life and then go back there, or to kill myself right now and I would not have to go back there, I would kill myself right this second. It's a strange feeling understanding the concept of death and hell now, it is indescribable and it is something that I will never be able to forget.

Any input would be much appreciated.

Safe Travels,
Psychoactive Haven

Nice report, seems like you got what you had bargained for in some ways, or perhaps not?

6g grams of mushrooms is a strong dose for the average person, so smoking 20mg of DMT, which is already somewhat potentiated (in my experience) by mushrooms was pretty ballsy.

You asked to be shown precisely what you needed to be shown, and your description of the trip seems like a metaphor for what I personally think is true. That it just goes on forever. The wall always retreating, every second being more intense... this to me sounds like a message. You smoked a more than decent single hit of one of the most powerful hallucinogens known to man on top of one of the other most powerful hallucinogens known to man. I'd say the message was pretty clear, that no matter how deep one dives into the rabbit hole, he will never hit the ground, or in your case, the wall

Nice. Thanks for sharing. In some places it resonates with one devastating experience that i had last year.

Yeh sometime it happens... After that devastating crash of my ego last year it took me probably 4 months before even having a thought of smoalking dmt and my body was starting to shake while thinking about immersion into hyperspace. Horrifying... And when i eventually started to blast off i had to begin with small doses, step by step reaching breakthrough dose.

Take your time and enjoy everyday life. You`ll know when the right time comes for the next trip(if you`re planning to use dmt further in the future). And be careful with premature conclusions about what you`ve experienced. Because our mind can be very tricky and play a bad joke with us what can lead to some false misconceptions and beliefs or even mental problems(especially after hard experience like yours).

It may even be that the descriptions of the abysmal afterlife realms from ancient times and others even came from entheogenic experiences, that would feel very much like exploring what happens after passing from the body. This is a difficult experience but it is a sign that your consciousness is able to handle anything. Everything you will face going forwards will now seem much more possible to overcome where even this was overcome.

May it be a solid launching platform for your future creations-decisiveness, here on earth and elsewhere.

Sweet trip report man, really felt that through your writing style.

Thanks for the response! It is exactly what I bargained for, hence the heavy solo trip and DMT at the peak of it. I knew what I was getting myself into (or at least I thought I did). I got what I went there for, but it made me realize how ignorant I still am to many things, I never realized it could get that horrific. So thankful for the experience though and thankful that I am still alive. I suppose this was a good example of what psychedelics do, I searched for answers, but got a million more questions instead (along with much newfound content for my life).




That's the plan for right now. This experience gave me an incredible amount of appreciation for the life I have now, and the realization that I need to stop focusing on the negative and enjoy what I've been giving while at the same time living an incredibly moral life. That is one thing I've been cautious of as well, I don't want to come to false conclusions about what I have experienced. The only thing that has been on my mind all day is what exactly happened to me. However, thats the thing with entheogenic substances, perhaps we're not supposed to fully understand what happens, which would make sense considering our language doesn't even contain the words to describe what happens. Anyways, thanks for the input! It's awesome being able to relate and I'm glad you overcame he mental struggle.




I've been juggling these thoughts around in my head for a while as well. It would make complete sense that those depictions were catalyzed by hallucinogens. For instance, I see many Egyptian themed things on my trips and my friend predominately sees Aztecan. So the two thoughts I had are that either ancient civiliaztions were extremely influenced by psychedelics, or that somehow memory is passed down through DNA and DMT allows us the ability to tap into that memory (though the first of the two seems more likely). Thanks for the support though. I feel the same way. I was shocked that my psyche was able to handle this sort of thing (one of the beauties of being a psychonaut I suppose) and now all the huge problems (so I thought) that I had yesterday really seem so minuscule now.




I love this. Everything in my life for the near to hopefully distant future will be influenced by this experienced.



Thank you! I'm glad that I was able to convey the emotions I was experiencing. I was worried it would be hard to do so very text. Perhaps I should write a book? haha

I really liked this report.

Yeah, 6g of good mushrooms is a massive dose hehe; most i've ever taken was 3.7g and i was on the ground outside rolling around, then at points just laying there endlessly dissolving into the mystery, the ego trying to fight the course of it's demise. Brief moments of existential terror, gasping in awe/shock of how powerful and penetrating. I couldn't imagine the intensity of 6g PLUS 20 mg of freebase, man....quite a combo.


Glad to see you made it through <3

Thank you for sharing.

Haven and hell exist and you had a chance to see the dark side.

I guess it will be easier now for you to appreciate gift of life and all this we have here on earth. After we gone we gone. This is the only place where we can change our self to better and prove to be worthy of God's kingdom.

Its all up to us. Its called free will.

I agree.
It is a (sour tasting) privilege to witness the broader spectrum of endless possibilities, darkness/terror included.

Thanks to the plants, a traumatic hardware physical war zone terror lesson becomes largely obsolete to gain first hand knowledge of the kind. Then, free will enables us to set out revised course. One will act no longer because one or other (holy) person/book tells us so.

IMHO, doom experience(s) empower free will's creating potential. I'll not hunt up that process, it's in the pipeline somewhere and comes in due time. God (or whatever) please stand by when that happens.

I feel you. Been down that road once and hope not to take it again at least while being human.
I also took 6g of mushrooms but no dmt at that time and thank god for not being in my life at that moment since i don't know what would have happened.
I was asking for it intentionally and i thought i was going to be able to handle it and like you said you cant. When i say handle it i mean relaxing and let it go...let it flow and wash over you. But if there is only iota of human/ego left in you and is taken for a ride then it's never ending horror of ineffable proportions.

I had a distinctive part of me wake up and i was having a conversation and a monologue at the same time with my self. This other/same part of me was saying to me why do i have so many questions?
Why do i wanna know? Do i really think i can handle it? Naturally me being a silly little monkey that i am i said yes

Most harrowing and difficult experience of my life so far but at the same time most positive
You see...nature of the source is a paradox. Nothing = Everything
To escape the complete and utter loneliness and chaos of infinite existence and knowing that is like death and boredom to IT...it has created a game for it self...A GIFT to it self...where it can experience everything but on a time line scale, physical and severely limited perception/knowing.
So now it can have all this adventures where it pretends to be poor little me not knowing s*** and having some one with whom it can relate, talk, love, hate, explore...LIVE.
Last words from that trip where from this INEFFABLE saying to me/to it self ...enjoy this life of yours since this is biggest miracle and gift that you where able to give to yourself.
Talk about mind fuck...
But...i took my time to integrate to some extent and now i can say i wouldn't change or take back anything from that experience best thing ever that happened to me.

Glad your back with us and take your time to integrate before deciding do go at it again but with less ignorance I have learned from that to take small baby steps

Great report.
Genuine fear puts things in perspective for us. When I watch the news I remind myself that many unfortunate people are feeling real fear and near death experiences on a daily basis. Something that, especially over here in the West, we can go our whole lives without experiencing (roller-coasters and scary video games don't count). Last time I had complete ego death, I was like a scared kitten for 6 months.

That's a very strong and I dare say sobering trip report, my friend.

As you may (or may not) know, I am here on this forum as a researcher for an interview study on the spiritual use of entheogens (check out entheogenstudy.org if you want to know more). Would it be acceptable to you that I quote or paraphrase from your report in order to make it known to my readers what a horrifying bad trip can be like?

If you are ok with this, I hope you will also agree to answer a few questions. We could do it privately (write to petter@entheogenstudy.org), especially if you would be willing to do a full interview, or you could reply to some questions right here in this thread.

How are you feeling now, two weeks after the event? Do you carry with you a strong fear for intense inner experience?

You describe positive consequnces for your life - are there negative consequences too?

Am I right in my understanding that you started doing DMT and mushrooms about a year ago?

How often have you used these drugs since then?

What other drugs have you experience with?

How old are you (roughly)?

Thanks for sharing. I had a similar experience with rue tea and vaped dmt, and it blew me to pieces for quite a while. Don't say never, there is more life and death to experience.

Again, thanks for writing it all. Love your recap comments especially.

-FF