It's been a rough year... and a long few before that.

After struggling through the past year and all it's brought, I'm hitting a brick wall. Things are falling apart fast, faster than I can rebuild them. In the past year, four very important people in my life passed away, including my fiance of 4 years; health problems have been dragging on; I spent 4 months locked up as a result of my poor ways of handling my sorrows, and have been battling the temptations of suicide throughout. To boot, an old opiate addiction has reared its head, and to fight it is almost more than I can do.

Things have to change in a big way. I've lost track of my path, and forgotten the important lessons that [i]we[\i] must remember to stay the course. Worst of all, I've lost the better parts of myself; I've become cruel toward those who love me, and I focus my efforts only toward avoiding pain. It has come to a point where I know that, should I continue living the way I have been... My life will quickly be nothing at all worth living.

Some time ago, I left a fair amount of the spice with a good friend who has held onto it thus far and has been kind enough to return it... If ever there was a time during which I needed a guiding light and a hard lesson learned, this is it. This is my last chance to see where to go from here and to make something better of this life before it swallows me. This journey can't end here; This is my one last, real hope to find in myself when it takes to keep going.

Many of us are intimately familiar with just how powerful an experience can be when approached with sincerity and undivided intent... I've been there myself, and for having done so I know now that if there is one source of power in this life that can help me now, that is it. And if I can open again that path which I know can be found in those realms and states... I've got a chance, one last chance, to make things right. And without that chance, I'll soon be lost for good.

I'm posting this to give me something to come back to... and to get the backstory out of the way; To craft a ready canvas on which I hope to share what plays out in the days to come. Perhaps it may help others in a similar place, or to inspire those fortunate enough never to have been here. Regardless, it's just a story of someone who has reached the end of his rope with no strength to climb back, and chosen to let go into the abyss.

Perhaps, there, I'll find my way.

To be continued in a matter of days.

---

PRE-CONDITIONS
(mind)Set: Tired, reflective, anxious and depressed.
(physical condition) Set: Fair, though exhausted.
Setting (location): A small, quiet home in a rural area with no company.
time of day: Early afternoon.
recent drug use: V. Africana and T. Iboga taken around 36 hours prior. (About 600mg extracted volume)
last meal: beans, ham and beer, about 18 hours prior to.

PARTICIPANT
Gender: Male
body weight: around 80kg
known sensitivities: none
history: familiar with use of DMT, LSA, harmalas, cannabis and psilocybin. Moderate experimentation with LSD, salvia, 5-MEO DMT, MDMA and ketamine. First time Iboga user. No psychedelics and moderate opiate (raw opium) use in the past 18 months.

BIOASSAY
Substance(s): Peganum Harmala (seeds and extract), Mimosa Hosilis (ACRB extract, freeze precip.), Cannabis Sativa (smoked)
Dose(s): 3g seeds/50-100mgs extract, 100mgs freebase, 1/2 gram ground bud
Method of Administration : P.Harmala seeds burned as incense, all else vaporized or smoked.


EFFECTS
Administration time: T=0:00 (expand this if you used delayed administration for multiple substances or the same substance with multiple doses. Use indices.)
Duration: (x hours)
First effects:
Peak: (estimate a time range and note as e.g. T=2:00-4:00 for a range of 2 hours beginning 2 hours after administration)
Come down:
Baseline:

Intensity (overall): (use HRS-like scale i.e. 0-4: 0 = "Not at all;" 1 = "Slightly;" 2 = "Moderately;" 3 = "Quite a bit;" 4 = "Extremely."
Evaluation / notes:

OPTIONAL
Pleasantness: (0-4)
Unplesantness: (0-4)
Visual Intensity: (0-4)
.
.
.


AFTER-EFFECTS
Hangover: (0-4 ; what type of impleasantness ; duration)
Afterglow: (0-4 ; what type of positive effects ; duration)


REPORT
(To be completed. (Integration is a b****))

Good luck, Hiyo Quicksilver. I know your pain too well myself.

I'll never forget a chat we had years ago. While tripping hard you were there as a guiding light; seemingly on the same wavelength yet miles apart. You probably don't recall but it is burned in my mind.

I hope you find some light in your reclaimed stash. Needing some myself lately given a challenging few years. Even when all else seems solid a single card in the house can bring it all down. It will take years to rebuild but the universe seems to reward those who try. Or, at least, that's my hope.

Safe travels, friend.

Thank you, sincerely. And the best of luck to you, too. It seems many of us are no better off... all of us could use a guiding light sometimes. I pray that we all can find it when it's needed most. It's what we're all here for, right?

I luv you man.

I can't say for certain I know what you are going through, but I can say I know how it feels to have a feeling of hopelessness. Being suicidal for many years, is not a fun way to live. I know that from experience.

You aren't alone. With great adversity comes great strength as well. I hope to see you back here.

My friend told me this when I was going through a rough time recently; "even flowers have to grow through dirt"

Good Luck and Much Love

Heh... When I heard the saying, I don't think it ended in "dirt".

Thank you for the good wishes, and good luck as well.

Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time mate, that you are aware of the effects your experiences have had on you is a positive thing from which you can rebuild.
I sincerely hope you dont decide to leave this plane of existence too soon, I cant pretend to know the depths of your pain but I do know how it feels to be lost with no apparent way out and that there are things that can help, all is not lost , even if your next journey with the spice doesnt provide you with what you are after then maybe something else like iboga could.

Best of wishes on your journey. Stay with us you are not alone. We care.

Hello hiyo quicksilver,

im not sure if i can help but your not the only one who has had a tough year, i have had a few friends die, family move and surgery which left me in rehabilitation for a few months, kind of find it fascinating we both post similar threads about a rough year within a day of each other.

anyhow if you ever want someone to talk to i would be happy to try.

take care of yourself ok.

Ya'll are, sincerely, a great bunch of folks. Thank you so much for all the kind words. Really.

<3

Hiyo <3

Been down this road myself with opiates; just stay the course, stay active, and attempt to put yourself in situations that you enjoy yet are conducive to your long term well-being.

Best thing I ever did for my life was exercise; some form of. Very, very powerful medicine. DMT could also definitely afford a nice defrag. But you have to live that once it's known. I've talked with you quite a bit; your a great dude, intelligent (wise/well spoken); always enjoyed our convos. You can definitely bust through this, just stay focused.

Much lovee

Wish you strenght to deal with this very difficult situation!

I think the fact you wrote this to us is already a very important sign that you're doing good work to deal with it and get better. Keep at it, and remember ' this too shall pass'. Regarding the opiates, maybe some tips or ideas here can help.

I'm not sure if you're taking other medications that might interact with MAOIs, but in case not, maybe you can consider taking DMT orally, since at least for me, seems to work more effectively in catalyzing positive transformations in my life, together with what seems to be not only a psycho-spiritual but literal physical cleansing. If you can, though, have a sitter, who can support you during the experience.

Please dont give up, this will all make you stronger and appreciate life even more once you're past the worse part.

<3

Hang in there Hiyo!!!

Thanks, you three. I'm taking all this advice to heart, and a lot further than that I hope. I can't say how much it means to have so many kind wishes. <3

---

This is happening in 24 hours. I just capped 800mg of voacanga extract into three caps, and will take the first tonight after a small meal and a nap... Honestly, I'm terrified. But if this gives me what it takes to scrape the debris of my life up into something worth living, then it's what I've got to do.

All the people I love are behind me. I hope. And this is pretty much my last chance... I have a feeling that this will be the hardest part of this journey so far, But it has to work. It has to.

Cross your fingers for me?

Bless you, hiyo.

Good luck man will be thinking of you.

<3

Seems like this has been a particularly testing year for a lot of people. I wish you luck, Hiyo. Stay strong and keep plodding along. At some point things will slot back into place.

Much love,

P x

-(Xs fingers)-

Much love and good vibes on your journey, Hiyo Q.

<3

I'd have to say 2014 was probably the most critical year
Of my life.. Not going into depth, but I almost ended it all, it really seemed like it
was all to much. I just wanted to disappear and everything be done.
At the time, realizing everything in this physical world as bullsh** and a
Pointless trial didn't help the mental state.. But I found hope, or should I say
It found me. You just gotta keep your head up in rough times, don't worry so much,
Yeah it sucks being human.. But hey, do what you can with what you've got.
Make every difference you can, and be the absolute best you can. Stay positive.
It's the power of one thought over another my friend(: we are all Light..
Know people are here for ya, personally and of course right here on this thread!
I wish you the best Hiyo(: We're all family here to me.

With much care and understanding,
-Aweems

So, was a day later than expected in smoalking my dose. The africana extract and iboga rootbark I took really just whooped my ass, and I was exhausted by the half-way point. I set aside what was left and got some much needed rest after an emotionally torturous 20-hour trip... Ibogaine is such an awesomely powerful medicine, and I was unprepared for the huge emotional upheaval that I experienced. Though it is a fantastic teacher and guide, I had not truly faced the full depth of the weight I was carrying, and spent about ten hours reliving the past year. I came to understand much of what I was feeling in a new light, and fully feel the repressed emotions I was carrying around.
But I had not come so far as to find resolution in them... I felt like I had to go deeper yet, but was too exhausted at that point to continue. I also took an upsetting call from a friend with whom I share a rocky relationship at the moment, which took more wind from my sails. I slept fitfully and awoke to nearly as much anxiety and depression as before, but with a more vivid experience of it than previously.

That afternoon, after burning some rue and smoalking some harmalas, I felt myself settled into a receptive place and impulsively retrieved my pre-loaded vaporizer with about 100mgs of mhrb extract. I smoalked about half the contents in two hits, and nursed the rest over about half an hour after that.

The initial onset was ferocious, and the house around me seemed to be flying apart as if amidst a hurricane. Once I began to feel the "pull", I resisted fully as it increased... My anxiety peaked and I was entirely overcome, and into my vision burst the morphing, fascinating visuals I've come to know. They spread through my surroundings, and as they came near me I felt a dissolution of the boundaries between "it" and "me", with a corresponding sensation of intense comfort and Luv penetrating my forehead, chest and genitals.

As I surrendered to this feeling, my tensions and anxiety fell away almost entirely in a profound emotional release. I came to realize that my fear and anxiety was keeping me from recieving the love around me, just as it was holding back the DMT presense. I let myself loose into the experience and let the visions enfold me for a time, but not allowing myself to go deeper into the DMT realms. I stayed in this state until I found myself calm and whole for once in a long time.
I then sat in an armchair, giving a good think to the emotional problems in my life, while vaping the rest of the dose in little tokes. All that I put my mind to was gifted with resolutions and new understanding, and I spebt about a half hour just thinking and feeling with fresh eyes and a lightened heart.

I'll expand on this soon, but am short on time now. This thread will be updated with a proper experience report soon.

Thank you for all your care and support... it's good to be back. I love you guys.

Thats profound hiyo thanks for letting us know how it went, I'm so glad you've made a significant and positive step in the right direction and have found some peace it must have been a white knuckle ride at times! I look forward to reading the full experience report, keep your eye on that brighter future and be kind to yourself.