Let me first start off by telling you a little bit about myself. It might be a little boring and short. But I feel like many of you have the wisdom that I seek, and that maybe you can all lend me your strength. I am a liar, a cheater, a "sinner" ( not that I am into Christianity or any of that, I am lost when it comes to religion. ) But generally a person who would lie to get their way, cheat to feel accomplished, steal etc. But recently I had a change of mind. I don't feel right doing many of the things that I once did. Hell, I even got a job being an asset protection agent. ( mall cop pretty much. ) I catch thieves, deal with their lies and try to put them on a different path. The path that I should have taken. I am walking down a very unique path of healing now.
Just recently after talking with a friend and moving in with him, he introduced me to DMT. Now I had heard of the drug before and really did want to try it. But not for any good reasons but communicating with the unknown. It's a healing process for me now. Let me explain why. When he introduced it to me ( my sitter, didn't know that was what he was at the time. ) I experienced a sub breakthrough. The curious thing was, is that I felt like I had left something behind. A part of me which I wouldn't miss the slightest. The sub breakthrough had very little open eyed visuals and very strong closed eyed visuals. I don't remember much about it for some reason. But when I came too.. I had not had the urge to be the way that I used to be. I didn't really realize that I was changing until a few days afterwards. Co-workers were telling me I look and carry myself differently in a good way. Everytime I do this drug ( DMT - very white with a hint of yellow tinge ) I come out a bit better each time. Almost like I am cleansing myself of myself.
My sitter told me that I needed to experiment with it, and he let me fly solo. I learned to take it out of a pipe very well, I learned how to do the correct vaporization techniques as not to burn it. I think I have even mastered it better than my sitter. Because now when I smoke it, I get better results. Anyways, I put... god knows how much into my pipe late night:: and this is where my journey begins. ( please be mindful of my writing, I have a really bad impediment with English it seems. )
I loaded up my pipe nice and well. I really cannot tell you how much was in there nor am I even going to try to try and explain. Let's just call it : the spiritual amount. I took my torch, and made the crystals liquid very very slowly and carefully. Once it was liquid state. I torched it until I saw the milky gold vapor. I took one hit: instantly distorted vision and was feeling fine. But I said : well fuck that isn't what I want, what I want is to breakthrough and see what this is really about. So I lit up again and took a harsh hit and held it in: counted down to 5: and sucked in more air ( non dmt, fresh air ) and held it in for 5 more seconds. Immediately I started to lose motor functions dealing with my arms. But I saw the bulb was still producing vapor so I hit the rest of it. I don't like to waste anything.
The room instantly turned to an orangish gold! My walls were there but not there. My room had turned into a golden palace. The emotions were overwhelming. I was all alone in my room! In this different place of being. A voice said to me: be calm, be still. But everything I was experiencing was new. My fear got the best of me. I went to the floor and said: "let me go, please let me go!" And the voice said nothing. I crawled to the center of my room, my palace. Golden objects everywhere. Black strips with beautiful indescribable gems with colors I had never witnessed before. A being who was trying to show me his face! I looked up at my wall which had re-appeared. I saw a veil. A very distinct veil I cannot describe to this day other than a sun with a sharp halo of flames. Then something said: 'this is what you wanted." and I looked up and knew everything. I knew that I was going to be there at this exact moment. I had pre-conceived this very exact moment. i knew.. I was amazed. Everything was pristine. The problem though, is that I was fighting this new experience with every fiber of my being because I didn't want to be alone any longer. I longed for my friend to be there in the room with me. I just kept saying to myself get to my friend over and over. The being told me things like: "do not leave, do not run away from me. But I wouldn't listen. My fear was getting the best of me. I... had locked myself in the room... I stood up! I was on my feet. I took step after step towards the door which felt like aoens. The room, myself, the palace had so many things I cannot describe.
I got to the door eventually only to figure out that I had locked the door! Dammit all! I reached to turn the lock. My skin was glowing different colours, red,green,purple,white all at the same time. Its like no color I have ever seen before. Everything else was still gold. My arm was fading in and out of existance. I had 5 arms when I reached for the door. I managed to get out of the door into the dark hall where I yelled for my friend. When he came to me instantly everything had released after another 1000 year long journey into the darkened hall. He woke up and helped me to my room. We talked about it and I went to sleep shortly afterwards.
Before I came down, a voice in myself said: I have to go back. I have to stop being a coward and face my fears. This being set time aside for me to help me. I didn't even give it a chance! Because I was afraid to be alone. I want to be better than " just human " I want to evolve spiritually. I feel as though if I don't go back to this "god" that I will have failed myself and I would have failed the previous experience altogether.
Why am I so afraid? How can I release myself of this fear and return? I didn't even give this gift a chance... I feel as though many of you would have appreciated this experience. And I tucked tail and ran because I became uncomfortable. I want to go back! But when I pick up the pipe. I cannot light...
This is something that I have to do. This is something I want to do. But I am being bound down by being afraid and having many earthly and human emotions. Any advice is appreciated. Questions bring up recollections: there is a lot that I have left out. The experience was good. The oooooom buzz, the golden room, the being showing me a veil and then his face. He was like a round golden god with a black caplike thing on his head. Pudgy face. But kind and warm. So many things happened within that 7 minute timeframe.. I cant put it out here all at once.