A couple weeks ago, I was blessed with an opportunity to try DMT for the first time. My first attempt using a glass vaporizer was just enough to make the walls separate at the corners a little to reveal a vast electrical storm of purple-blue lightning in infinite space behind them. They would move together and slide passed each other and obscure it again. No "breakthru" due, I think, to getting to know the delivery apparatus. The next day, I tried again.
I had recently resumed my meditation practice the week before. Everyday, twice a day for 25 minutes at that point. I've done this off and on for the last 15 years but recently stopped because I was overwhelmed with making ends meet and raising two small children. Somehow, I had let myself become depressed, full of self-loathing, and my attitude toward other people, nearly anyone, was that I just didn't want to interact. I had thoughts of suicide on a daily basis, though I am too responsible and love my family genuinely and felt that would prevent me from doing such a terrible thing to them. "How can I live in this world of willful ignorance?" I would think to myself. Why do I have to sacrifice the things I'm good at doing in order to work in a field or for certain people who couldn't care less about soul, about art, about harmony? My relationship with my partner was beyond strained and, basically, I hated myself. This is a terrible place to be and I can empathize with anyone would accidentally finds their self there.
My friend measured the dose, I don't know how much it was. I went in to another room to meditate for 10 minutes. I prepared my bodies with love and light - I have experienced terror on psyches before and didn't want that experience. After two deep inhalations, the relentless experience began. I thought briefly, "wait, I'm not ready for this. Can I make it stop..." Then I blasted toward a white-light petroglyph looking object which I thought resembled a rooster at the time surrounded by a rainbow halo. I seemed to recognize it. While I was certain I was dying, it seemed to impart a feeling of familiarity. My physical body began to recede, but it felt like it calcified and crumbled into a pile of ash as my mind continued to soar high above even my personality. I could hear my brain thoughts below me as if they were playing through a speaker at low volume in a corner of a room. How trite the thoughts were! The fractal-like hallucinations are not worth recalling because it was happening so fast and most of you know what that is anyway. But what I felt, what seemed to be conveyed, was certainly worth remembering.
I was made aware that all humans are in a massive cycling thing which can best be described as a wheel. The wheel is fueled by our fears and yearning desires. We are all of us sort of sliding toward the center of the wheel which is liberation from suffering. The more we resist, the longer and more painful the journey. The more we release our petty preferences and give in to LOVE the more exhilarating and light the journey. It all seemed so obvious. Another part of the message was that WE WILL ALL GET THERE. It's hard to imagine that spiteful, stupid people are also divine souls -- but they are. This wheel was terrifying, but all I could think for a time was how can I get back in it. Simultaneously, I became aware of an interpenetrating layer - if you will - that I could access by calming my fear and accepting what was happening. It was a sense of floating in deep space. My identity was still more or less in tact, but my mind was so crystal clear. Gone where the petty thoughts about this or that drudgery! I was absolutely free of suffering. I have never in my life experienced that before. My clear mind turned toward my dwarfed personality and regarded it with humorous affection. It seemed to inquire of me why I would give myself such a hard time in life. "You are good." It seemed to say. It was as if some higher me was sending an incomprensible, vast love toward a lower me. Like a loving parent does toward a child.
My heart center began to swell with radiant warmth. I did not "see" but became aware of other beings in this space whose sole purpose is to radiate love and wisdom toward those of us who are striving for something better. They do so with steadfast concentration. THEY NEVER STOP. I became afraid I would not see my children again and my feelings became colored with fear again. I felt like I was descending toward this flaming, belching, hideous wheel again. I became aware also of a strong affinity and closeness toward a woman that I worked for some years ago. Why? I wasn't sure. But much affection streamed out toward her and I let it happen. I began to feel like my consciousness was just like a viney plant growing toward a source light that was everything. I think my physical arms actually shot up like tender shoots and twisted toward this light. I began to laugh. It was a deep release caused by my awareness of real love ( far above sex-eros) and a better understanding of the human condition how absurd it seems. I laughed from the depths of the earth to the center of all that is. I felt like my entire being was this laughter - a giant smile that was still tinged with compassion for the sorrow that others feel and that I also feel. Tears of sweet joy and bitter grief for humanity streamed out of my eyes endlessly, like someone had turned on a tap.
I have given lip-service in the past to the "we are all one" philosophy, but now I could perceive it in a literal sense. For the next 9 days I could tell that we are all the same being experiencing each other through different facets or lenses. I do not have the desire to constantly criticize myself and other people any more. I think that for men in my generation (I'm 35) it has become popular consciousness to be aloof and judgmental. I think that is silly now, and I want to possess my mind - not be possessed by it.
This was a peak experience, but it let me know that we are functioning with greater or lesser control on all these planes all the time. It left me with the conclusion that if we want to embrace the greatness of our own soul (which is apparently perfect on its own plane) the thing to do is meditate. As often as is possible. It quiets what is unreal and amplifies what is real. This life, while brief and so often consumed with petty, unimportant minutiae, is IMPORTANT. If we are not learning a greater capacity to love and be loved, then what on Earth are we doing exactly?
That is my take and I'm sticking to it because it has given me a new sense of freedom. Life is still hard and, now, nearly three weeks later, it has become more of a struggle to stay in the light of this wisdom. But I will never stop trying. IT is all there is. I'm glad you are all here. I wish you all well.
{{{{{{{{{{{{Remember what you are}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Fear is a millstone.