Ahh, it has been several years since the first time I left this world behind completely, and I have meant for some time now to put the experience I had that night into years, though until now I have always felt I had not integrated the experience well enough to do it justice. Just to put it on the record I realise that my set and setting were horribly inappropriate but I had no knowledge of the power of these substances so while I would not recommend or condone this kindve behaviour I am certainly better off for it.
I was 19 years old, and it was a strange time in my life, I had left home two years prior to this for a life of apathy on the ole' dole. Not really where I had expected to be at this age with a very religious upbringing and good education, but life leads us down mysterious roads eh. I was at a party at a friend's you could say, some 10 of us in a dingy bedsit with no occupants, mattresses on the floor and and old CD player with a collection of eminem and trivium albums, bullet for my Valentine that kind of thing, just to set the scene. We had been messing doing lines of MDMA, ketamine and MXE throughout the night, and all in all there was a very good if slightly doomed youth vibe going on.
I can remember talking to this guy L for a while, it was him supplying the better part of the drugs, and I can remember thinking of him as a bit of a show off when it came to his drug knowledge. It should be noted I thought of myself as a bit of a drugs guru at this stage though I had very limited experience with hallucinogens other than HBWR and salvia in my days of youth though these never had much of an effect on me.
He ended up mentioning he had some truffles with him that hed brought back from the dam and a vial of 35x salvia, which he described as like unlike anything hed ever experienced. Me, slightly loaded from the lines was more than up for pushing the high at this stage, and as there was a girl present that I felt attraction to I was more than inclined to show off. His warnings to only smoke a small amount and to hold it in for 30 seconds fell on deaf ears as I assured him I'd done it before and went on to pack myself an enormous bowl. 2 1/2ft straight bong with a cone and I'd really rammed it in there with a sprinkle or Mary for good measure.
I myself didn't have time to think before I was ready, lighter in hand and exhaling, I suppose I suspected of giggle alot and maybe see the walls breathe, and was probably more concerned with how cool and brave I must've seemed to my female companion, how wrong could have I been, it's sweet though really.
I can remember holding it in and feeling the familiar Buzzing begin to take hold, then the room, slowly but surely, started to slide out of place piece by piece, each frame repeating itself as the picture of my reality began to bend and contort. I remember my friend saying something as this started to occur that would repeat and fragment during this process.
Eventually anything about reality I recognised as familiar had drawn itself out into what I coukd describe as the highway from the guitar hero series, compressing down to funnel through mainframe of perspective, and I could see outside this stream of reality into the comforting fractal mess surrounding and enclosing it. It was like I could see my reality as one of many repeating girating Mandelbrot sets. I could feel each moment impress into my very being and at this point I became very aware of the music that was playing. It was the song pull harder on the strings of your martyr by trivium, and it felt as if the lyrics to this were being written or sewn into my flesh. I include a link because I think they had a resounding effect on the experience and if anything were very appropriate.
http://www.azlyrics.com/...stringsofyourmartyr.htmlAt this point I became self aware of just how crazy all of this was, it caught up with me as I began to be crushed. The whole of reality was made up of this Viscous velcroey material that was arranged in folds, and I was aware that it always had been. I felt myself crushed rolled squeezed and folded verticulously, I would say it was painful but more terrifying in a physical demanding way. I had lost sense of my identity completely upon entering the trip but now whatever I was I wanted out. I was mocked by echoing laughter that doomed my efforts to escape further. I had let everyone and myself down, id lost it, I felt like I was universe ending, I felt like the terribly sad ending to the most romantic of epics. After being slammed through the rolling press for what seemed like the beginning of an infinite number of times, I resigned myself to hopelessness. And then I felt nothing.
I found myself again conscious in a perfectly black void. I tried turning my vision and self to no avail, Blackness, and it was at this stage I was convinced I was dead without being all to sure of the meaning of the word, but I truly felt at perplexed. What seemed to me a woman's presence reassured me of something, uttered a phrase in my mind that I could not understand, and could not repeat to this day. Then as quickly as the trip had finished it sprang back into life. It kindve folded back in from behind my position as I began the inverted concertina climb back up the rabbit hole. Until I finally saw the rotating wheels life start to pull back together the room I was in. First I remembered I was human, then that I was P and my name, then to figure out what I was meant to be doing because I realised id completely forgotten.
It was only when I was fully back did I realise the gravity of the experince. I not only felt like I had been in hyperspace for a lifetime atleast I felt the presence of eternity in every fibre of my being. I told a room full of mostly strangers that I had just witnessed the end of a universe, and that I just seen with my own eyes the truth of existence. By this I believe now I meant respect for the situation, acceptance of my own cosmic ignorance and compassion for all things. I saw the entirety of existence on this plane in 2-d form, all that was compressed into a single 2-d superposition. I had no knowledge of quantum mechanics or even meta philosophies but I grasped concepts that night I am still working on understanding at present. I neve got e awe for the awesome beauty and terrifying power of our situation.
I discussed this all quite excitablely with l as hed recently had his first and last break through with the stuff, and I definitely took some calming down. (I couldn't see how every one could be so casual when we had proof of God on the table by the ashtray) I ended up repeating the dose of 35x a week later to convince myself I had not simply invented the experience and got the confirmation I was looking for. Though I avoided annihilation 2nd time round it should be noted that the rest of the experience was quite odd, the beings inhabiting the space seemed less mocking this time around and found myself laughing with them. (:.
Before l left he gave me nd my friend the truffles he had to share, we only took half a bag but these were a particularly good train that had me and my friend both floating in this floaty gooey cloud like substance. I can remember her telling me that she couldn't tell where her body ended and mine began! I had not shared this kindve innocent intimatecy with another person in a long time, especially without sexual tension and it was quite wonderful, we soon drifted off into sleep.
Now I feel the need to stress at this stage just how long and gruelling the integration has been. Its only recently ive truly appreciated what it did for me as it helped force me out of bad habits and back into life. I no longer abuse my body for fun and believe I truly see a new side to things now, and as weird as it often got it was worth it in the end. I mean it is such a brutally titanic force to be in witness of that it can make you feel very small and meek in comparison to the forces that govern us.
These things are no child's toy, they must be treated with the utmost respect, and there are very real risks to having products like these marketed to kidds as hallucinogenic trips because the packaging really don't do these things justice. Nothing in this plane of existence really can, it's something that must be seen, felt and tasted to be believed.
To summarise its only now I can realise why this experience was so painful in the immediate moment but I understand now it was necessary for me to grow into the being that I am this present day, one that I love, respect and appreciate being (:. It really has driven into me a new found aspect for life and its mysteries. People seem to find it very rough and I did myself when I went back I was much more accepting of it and I would be interested to have a peek again soon (albeit at a much lower dose). And whilst I wouldn't have picked it in hindsight in glad for being thrown In at the deep end, it may be a shock initially but after a moment, the waters great! And after the high dive those drop ins dont seem too intimidating eh (;
I hoped you all enjoyed reading, feel free to comment if you've related to any of this, Thanks for reading and best of love in all of your travels
Namaste x =]