Jamie,

I think I can relate to what you're going through, though obviously every individual situation is different. I know that none of these typical phrases like "time will heal you" will make any difference to your sorrow or brokenness. And really, it's not up to us to change that. It is what it is and you feel what you need to feel. Having someone leave you hurts, having a future you imagined for yourself destroyed or annihilated hurts. You can no longer be the same person you were before because the dynamics of your world have changed.

Perhaps it's not about getting better or getting back on track or whatever. Perhaps you are always on track and this is it. We move forwards on our paths because that's the only thing we can do. Change comes and tears our worlds apart and we move forwards through the splinters and embers and ashes and change comes again and we continue to move forwards through whatever. Sorrow, joy, pain, euphoria, they are all part of this path, passing as we move on. I learned for myself that it's no good to fight any of it, even the worst of these feelings - it just perpetuates and magnifies things unnecessarily. Sadness, loneliness, hurtness is part of what you are now, part of what I am as well, even though the wounds inflicted in my case are long gone.

I'm sure you know all this. I'm sure you are on your way, even if it's not where you expected to be going. In the end I feel, we really have no choice and no power over where the universe flings us - it is far more powerful than we are. All we can do is make the best of what we are presented with - be it joy or sorrow. I trust you know how to, my friend.

peace & love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsgP8LkEopM

This is what ive come to adopt over the past year, and especially at this point. Well said..well said.

Keep on keepin on jamie.

<3 tat

honestly..I feel like I dont have the time or energy to worry about where my life is at anymore. Im not sure I even care. Im working 40+ hours a week on a farm, and then going to school after work..pushing like 15 hour days somedays..I wake up to go work at 6am and come home from school at 10pm.

All I care about is that I am going to be where I always wanted to be sooner than later. I will make more money to just go garden, I wont ever have to work a stupid job I dont like EVER again..I wont have to struggle trying to find some way to make money selling art or w/e else I can come up with..I will wake up, go outside and make gardens, and then come home.

Yeah, no sense in worrying about 'whats to come' or even worse-so 'dwelling on what could've/should've/would've'.

Everything you said here..sounds like a good plan imo. You could always be one of the typical 9-5 desk job, or doing something not soo desirable.

As long as your happy.

<3 tat

Sounds like a good plan to me! Take care of the present and the future will take care of itself.

That's great news Jamie, having a job you enjoy doing and that gets you by is worth a lot. Even the days where things are rough are still better than any day working in a place you dislike. I've had the chance to experience both, so at least for myself I know this is true. In my case I make less money now than I did before, a lot less, but I really like what I do so I have never regretted my choices concerning this.

Good luck to you. Your schedule sounds nice, though you will need some serious rest at some point. Take care of yourself.

Regarding the work/school situation...
It's hard to buckle down and spend a year or so working harder and longer than you ever thought you could... but afterwords, you are a better person for pushing yourself through it. One way you could think of it is that you are pushing the upper boundary of what you are capable of and finding that you are stronger than you previously thought. In schooling (and probably farming also) it's important to frequently ask yourself "how could I be doing this more efficiently?" and "am I using all of the resources available to me?". Striving to improve your techniques will make it all seem more interesting.

You probably know all this already, but it's the only advice I can offer regarding the workload.
Good luck.