It gets better.

There's many twists and turns to come, the next might be around the corner anytime. But yet you have to stay in the present.

You're going through a tunnel, and there's at least one thing that remains up to you. That is learning, knowing yourself better, growing in the dark. Not only to get ready for the outside, but because that's what you have now to experience.

But it's hard because it hurts, and we try harder than ever to find a meaning. And meanings are nothing but maps we use. We really need a map when we're lost.

I don't know how to link it nicely to what I'm trying to express, but I was thinking of a story shared by Viktor Frankl, therapist and concentration field survivor. This old man goes to his office and tells him that since his wife died, he cannot find purpose or reason. He misses her too much, he doesn't know how to bear it. Frankl replies that by staying alive he has rescued her from suffering this very pain instead. Every day missing her is a day she doesn't have to miss him.

You know there's many among us here in the Nexus that would gladly drop by and have a beer or get our knees dirty helping with your plants. We share many things, and in a way or another, darkness and solitude is or has been or will be common to all.

Highly relevant post in the ContemporaryShaman blog that I just stumbled across:
The Path Of The Lone Wolf * Shamanism

Thank you for this.

<3 to jamie.

Loneliness has been a steady companion throughout my life, and yet, in retrospect, I can see how I've been clinging like a koala to anything that could help me deny it. Following a series of catastrophic events, I was finally forced to accept that I am alone, with no safety net or guidance, and started building from there. It's difficult at times, but good things do happen along the way. Today I noticed that a portion of a scar I've always had, and which was intact a few days ago, is now gone.

This world is a mockery, and serves well as prison for many of us here with rebellious nature. It is a joke to me to think that this were all there was, it just does not suffice, it is a scrap yard.

As another person who has been very lonely for a very long time, all I can offer you is the knowledge that you are not the only one going through these feelings.

Give it time. It's too recent and now it's overwhelming. Try not dwelling on it too much, though I know you will.

It's normal. I wish you didn't have to go through this experience, but this is the price to pay for truly loving. You gave it a shot and it didn't go well in the end. At least you dared! Many people won't ever experience the love, let alone the breakup.


It will be alright. Give it time! Sometimes life throws such things at us, sometimes we want to give up, but really, what options are there really? You don't strike me as the quitting type.

It's hard now, but things will be better. They will. Give it time.

Trust me, I know

for the rest of the aliens out there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85PwBjsQ2uQ

I came across this quote from Leonard Cohen yesterday and thought it might help you jamie:

"Only one thing made him happy and now that it was gone everything made him happy."

"the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else" )

Jamie are you a male or a female?

Everyone is your soul family. You are deeply connected to every single person. This is a beautiful thing I have learned from being a really good and proactive dancer. I go everywhere, I go to nightclubs, bars, raves, events, everywhere, and I just dance. I dance well enough people notice me, people remember. I am extremely expressive, controlled and uninhibited in how I dance, I carry no insecurity or shyness with it. Is it good or bad, I don't know, what it is, its full expressive and a genuine displaying of committed self evolution. It is a true expression of my soul and my full body all worked into movement. I show my soul to large groups of people at random places of all sorts probably 4 times a week. I keep this channel open, showing everyone my soul. Then people come to me. The most peculiar interactions possible. People who just want to pat me on the head, people who just want to know my name, people who want to try and dance with, people who think I know something. I get people from all over the place, people in their 20's to 50's, men, women initiating contact with me. Some ask me where I live, where I learned to dance, ask me to show them how to dance, some people want me to know about them, some people have psychological and spiritual issues which they confide in me with, and oddly I am somehow always perfectly able to help them, as though somehow they recognized in the full expression of my soul they could feel I knew what they needed to know. I encounter rich people, homeless people, bohemian artist types, people from suburbs in contained lives, psychedelic people, smart people, stupid people, professionals, strippers, prostitutes, circus performances, christians, atheists, muslims, everything, absolutely everything. They all come to me, and they look at me in my eye, and I see the same thing in their eye, another soul recognizing my soul, wanting to just say hello of "I see you, now see me", and absolute gratitude, and I see their soul, they readily show it to me. I have developed such a psychic intuition of reading peoples most deepest internal psychological workings from this. People can come up to me and talk to me for 5 minutes and I can completely reorient their mind if they let me, because they are my soul mate, everyone human has a soul and is your soul mate.

Sometimes I do this myself in times of distress, I just walk down the street, or I am at an event, and I tune into a person and I just walk up and ask them for advice on my most difficult internal issues. I open my energy and show them, they always respond with something relevant. I simply carry the vibe the of always showing my soul and recognizing other souls fully, I walk down the street of random strangers, anywhere, and my feeling is that of "I have so much support" as I know I can just walk up to anyone an ask them anything. I am not afraid to show anything of myself, I carry no privacy, and people are not afraid to drop their privacy for me as well. I know my weaknesses, I know my strengths, I know my perversions, I know my demons, and I know how to control, orient, and present all of myself to another soul for them to see, how to present my issues in a way to say "I am fully aware of these things, and you can see them to, they are me, since I am aware of them you need not be afraid of them". The greatest emotional support I've ever gotten is from random strangers. Every soul direly wants to see other souls, connect with every other soul, all of them are actively trying in some way. I think what you should be doing, is you should be going to random social events saying hello to people and sharing your emotional turmoil with them.

I don't know if any of us are ever truly alone; of course we're not. It's impossible. We are made of the same atoms and molecules, condensed into the "solid" form we appear to have. But each of those atoms is lighter than air, and they all connect to one another to some degree or other.

And us, we freaks of the nexus, we have all taken this labyrinthian path, also to one degree or another, to seek our deeper truth; often we fuel this journey via the plant teachers. So we have all seen more of the universe than most people in this world, if I may be so bold to say (and I just did). But the more you see the more you realize how much is out there, and, consequently, the more "alone" one tends to feel. It's as if we've been dropped off on this planet, trying to blend in with our human space suits, but knowing none of us really does or ever completely will. We hunger for more, because we have seen more, but still remain largely cut off, our blinders firmly attached, the veil thinning, but still dense and thick like fog, like milk, sometimes like oil.

I see the shimmer of the rainbow upon the oil, and it reminds me of something.......something deeply buried yet always right on the surface.....a cellular memory trigger that says: we are not alone, can never be alone, and we will not be cut off forever. The rainbow floating on the blackest chunk of tar reminds me......of Home.

The day we met we spent the night on mushrooms together..and it was amazing.

I just spent the night on mushrooms together with myself. Alot of memories from that first night came up like flashbacks in that space..mushrooms are too cosmic.

and I thought a lot..cried a lot..laughed a lot..thought some more..

..and realized..

That is was beautiful. I could NEVER do all of that with someone who was not absolutly beautiful..and we are all beautiful..but she was soo beautiful to me, personally..and that time was beautiful and special for me personally. It was too cosmic..and that time was magickal. It will be forever imprinted onto my soul.

and maybe thats the point..just beautiful eras. It was a beautiful time and thats how I want to remember it, becasue anything else would be a lie. reguardless of how things end..things usually start in a really great way, like a flower blossoming in the starlight. Everything dies.

and it's my loss.

When someone leaves you, or something equally crappy happens people tend to say clever or inspirational things..but it's not always realistic..and it doesnt really inspire the kind of growth I admire. It really is my loss not her's..and that is okay. It is okay to just not be okay. She was done with me. I think people push to hard against this level of reality when they are in pain or mourning..

I really have no desire to just get under someone else. I dont need to repeat old cycles with the next person that comes along just becasue I cant deal with these energies that the cosmos calls up for me in life. If it happens it happens, but it has to be in flow..I dont feel like because I lose something I love, now I suddenly love everything as if what I had was a horrible burden, or some kind of sadistic obsession. It wasn't. It was beautiful. It was tragic. It was perfect through it's imperfections. Thats life. I am okay with that, even if I am not okay.

Honestly, I spent friday night playing kids games with my friends 4 year old daughter, and I was content. I probly needed to be there more than at some club or bar or rave. I forgot how innocent and beautifully naive children really are. They are creators of entire worlds that we cant even see. We should all be a little more like them again. Adults can get to be a little more than crazy.

Where we are going, noone knows for sure..but there sure as hell are such things as short cuts, and scenic routes. Love is most definatly, not a short cut. I wouldnt have it any other way.

Well I have no advice and nothing inspirational to say. Damn, one of the most painful trips of my life was a solo mushroom trip right after a woman I loved left me. It was no-one's loss though, it was best she left. Just sucked that after 7 years of living together she robs me blind and leaves with no warning. And worse, but this is your thread--and I'm long over it She was a vancouver chick too! Certainly not the one you're missing though.

Actually here's one piece of advice--do not listen to the full album First Utterance, by Comus, when you are shrooming hard and heart broken. Some gut-wrenching dark dark stuff on that album. What the hell was I thinking?

You know I met a girl like 4 months ago now. And we spent like a month and a half together and I was so so in love with this girl. She had everything I thought I needed for like a long term till we die relationship. I was thinking she was going to be my wife in just a few weeks. Then after a month and a half she left me to go with another guy. And I always though, maybe if I pushed harder it would have worked. Maybe if we had MDMA or mushrooms and bonded deeper it would work. But in a way, feeling your story and thinking about it, I am kind of glad we didn't have MDMA or mushrooms and supercharge our connection in that way, as it maybe would of allowed us to stay together quicker, but if its not there without the psychedelics to connect, it's not permanently there. If we had mushrooms and MDMA we may have stayed together longer, I may have got more connected, committed, but she would of eventually left as mushrooms and MDMA could not of birthed that in us if it wasn't there. So in a way I'm glad I never had psychedelics with her and it was so short, otherwise my turmoil would of been so much more intense.

Thats not really about you, its about me, but I felt like saying it based on what you made me feel.

You are clearly a deeply empathetic and enlightened thoughtful individual Jamie Im not surprised you feel alone among such a world of sheeple. A world created by the greedy powerhungry slavelords.
With that brings an equal depth of pain.

You are in mourning at the moment, mourning the you that died, the you that was alive because of your deep connection with your ex girl and the comfort of sharing time and space with a kindred soul to speak. Part of her was you and part of you was her.

From this another you can be born, an even wiser you, a new path has appeared, multiple new paths have appeared and now there is another universe that can be created and it is up to you to shape this in a positive manner and learn from your experiences and grow into the next carnation.
Eventually the pain will subside and you will be left with the warm memories of your time together that will make you smile and you will realise things that you cant see now and how they shaped your path.
You dont have to throw yourself into the tryptamine abyss and challenge the universe and become overly aware of the depths of your pain and the universes pain along with it. Go easy on yourself let the new you emerge without a trypytamine fog.
Im a believer of going back to basics in such times of personal anguish; food, sleep, water and exercise and time among nature. Nurturing the inner monkey, higher self isnt healthy without a healthy inner monkey. Striving for simplicity rather than complexity is sometimes better.
I read you love boarding? No better place to blow away the cobwebs than carving down a beautiful mountain listening to the fresh cold air rush past your ears!

Well this thread had me tearing up pretty instantly. And on throughout! I can feel the depth/sincerity/love behind your every word.

Jamie, I am right there with you buddy. Just turned 30 in November btw. It appears we are Cosm-anomalous Bastard Brethren, along with many of our fellow nexians!

I yearn so badly for the type of love that you describe. Everytime that I think I've got it, SURPRISE! I get kicked right in the soul jewels. I know what you mean about not knowing whether to laugh or cry. I joke about my new philosophy of Coinci-Transcendentalism... which describes the series of meaningful/meaningless/horrifying coincidences that has led to my continuing existence and suffering. It is certainly comedic to an extent, but the depth of my solitude is unimaginable to most. It is soul crushing at times. I find solace in creating music and good vibes. I find solace in the types of exploration that us Nexians have come to love/understand. The sacrament!

Once you feel that divine love and joy, it is extremely hard to take romantic love seriously. I often find myself wondering if "Love" as we perceive it in this reality is nothing more than a chemical imbalance. A neural oscillation. A quantum dance of synapses firing. There are drugs that create the same illusion.

Don't let this bleak proposal make you think that I don't beleive that true love can exist. It just seems like it is so far out of reach for a repressed weirdo like myself. A quantum mystic misfit for lack of better words. I'm horribly alone, all the time, with NO ONE to relate to on a fundamental level. It is highly depressing.

I want to move to the jungle, or at the very least escape america. The endless abyss of solitude, debt, slavery, corruption and GREED make me a sick person. A person who wants to lash out and burn this MFer to the ground. But I digress. Lets go build some earthships somewhere extremely remote and start a new civilization.

My favorite thing to tell people is "Stop trying to dam up the stream of consciousness".

It seems to me that the more that I attempt to impose my own personal will and desire on the flow of infinity, the more I suffer. I can find a way to apply this philosophy to any situation, including our mutual despair. Take it for what it is, but don't let it ruin you!