On new years morning I smoked a cone of DMT - no idea the amount - a friend packed it and I ripped the whole bong. I've only smoked DMT once prior to this. I had a few tokes from a pipe and saw beautiful fractal mandalas that amazed me and left me with a glowing feeling. There was nothing that could have prepared me for this time.
Immediately after exhaling I was thrown violently downwards through a black hole and spent a terrifying eternity plummeting through an expanse of very rapidly (the fastest speed I have ever witnessed) cycling ‘images’ that contained more dimensions than I ever imagined possible. I was completely detached from reality for the majority of this time, occasionally experiencing a small but barely recognizable attachment to the real world in that I would see segments of the room I was in warped beyond imagination but still enough to recognize the room existed (this felt like I was being teased by being made to feel as though I might return to some semblance of normality but was then again thrust in to limbo). I felt that a presence was torturing me by forcing me to spend time in the most extreme mental torment I had ever felt. I was swallowed and expelled from within myself and I was no longer a physical reality. The closest word in the English language I could use to describe the experience was rape – but infinitely different to rape as we understand it. I felt the presence of intelligent beings subjecting me to the experience and almost ‘pampering’ me with a flood of physical and mental sensation. It felt weirdly sexual in that they had complete control over my existence and were almost stroking me internally and externally with feelings. I had a sense of being thrown forwards and backwards and inside out, almost throwing myself up repeatedly, and was literally thrashing in the physical world (I knocked things over which I was somewhat aware of at the time). It was so unbelievable and painful that I was not sure I would ever return.
This torture finished at some stage (I can’t properly recall when) and I was in a perceptible ‘space’; however this space wasn’t the room. It was a heaven built from ever-changing organic alien architecture dissimilar to anything on Earth. It was built from a constantly light emanating morphing material that was an unrecognizable form of matter in every colour and shade imaginable and unimaginable. It was the most exquisitely stunning experience and I felt a flood of emotion so pure and intense. This world was perceived in such clarity, as if my eyes were crafted from a biological technology from another dimension. Entities (I feel as if I saw a brief glimpse of them at one stage, sitting and looking at me in a room – I can’t remember whether this was immediately before or after the initial infinite loop) were thrilled and amused to have enlightened me to the secrets of the universe by throwing me through hell and then showing me heaven, the key to a chaotic realm separate to imagination and consciousness. They were almost cocky and patronizing but in an oddly loving way, to witness everything that I’d ever believed dissipate in to wonder. I felt inhuman emotion as my perception of my existence was ripped from me. I have always been a staunch believer in logic and reason and justified all of my previous psychedelic experiences as altered perception. This however, was a world more real than the one I’ve always known. It was powerful beyond comprehension.
At some stage and I can’t recall at what stage of the experience it was, my boyfriend came in to the room. He was evidently himself however seemed to exist inside the realm that the room had become. His skin was made of morphing colours and he appeared very alien and at some points seemed to have reptile or goatlike features (small horns at one stage). He spoke to me about the trip he’d just had and I can’t really remember what he had said as I was still in utter awe. While we spoke the room was gradually realisable, but there was a golden path glittering intensely in the sky – my boyfriend seemed as if he was in a effervescent ‘bubble’ of clarity. The floorboards were charged with wires of pulsating light still made from an unearthly substance. I struggled to explain what I was experiencing but he looked at me very much as if he understood. As everything faded back in to normality I was filled with a glowing feeling of uncovering the meaning of life (without actually understanding what the meaning was) and felt as if I would never be worried about the state of our earthly existence to the same extent again with the knowledge that there is a more complex and potentially intelligently designed but incomprehensible dimension to the universe.
I know now that I will never be the same – the knowledge I’ve gained is terrifying and mentally taxing and my experience was largely terrifying in that I have been shown the potential of both the beauty and suffering we can experience and feel as if I have no choice but to journey to this realm infinitely. It was traumatic but neither good nor bad, it was beyond that black and white mentality – just mind-blowing.
At present I am really struggling with this new knowledge and feel altogether overwhelmed. I'm amazed but simultaneously consumed with memories and thoughts and feel so alone and disconnected from everyone else's reality.