I apologize in advance for the length of the description I am posting. I also want to let you know that I experienced 2 ceremonies in the same weekend but not much of note happened in first, so for the sake of brevity, I started off at the second:
As the ayahuasca began to get ahold of me, I heard a few voices in my head... One in particular kept saying “Ok, let’s rock! Let’s do this thing!” over and over again, until I realized I could turn my attention to that voice and see who was talking. Turns out is was this little dust mote or fluff ball with 2 stick arms and 2 stick legs, bouncing around. It was kind of annoying, and I guessed it was a part me, but I let it stay because it was basically a cheer leader for this experience. Looking at it now, I think it was probably a distraction set up to keep me calm while other things were going on.
Like the evening before, the nauseous/diarrhea feelings came on and pretty strong this time. I never felt moved to purge that way so I just kept concentrating on my heart. I had been able to open up my heart chakra many times before these ceremonies so that idea wasn’t new to me.
What was strange was that it wouldn’t stay open. When I looked at it closer, I saw how broken she was (I got a real sense of the feminine about my heart - not sure if it’s because I am female but it doesn’t matter) and it was so sad. She was just lying there in tatters with bandaids, ropes, nails and boards holding her together. It really was awful. I also saw a dried up husk of myself flying away on the winds of oblivion if I kept on living my life the way I was. She/I would just burn out if I didn’t change.
My heart was broken because she had been neglected and abused as a child, and then I grew up treating her the same way because I just didn’t know any better. Or, intellectually I did because I tried to be a spiritual seeker, but I really didn’t get it. I do now because I saw it.
I saw how our society values the brain and neglects the heart and how much the heart really knows. Not knowing any different, we trample all over our children’s hearts who grow up to do the same. It’s an ongoing cycle of heartsickness that is destroying us.
I cried for my broken heart and for all those, including myself, that just kept breaking her more. I felt so sorry that I had treated treated her so badly. And then as I continued to focus on my heart, she started to feel heavy so I unburdened her with more tears, washing away the pain she held.
I was told to pull her out and hold her up to be cleaned by the tears and by the beams that were coming down from above. I had a knowing that they were coming from the Godhead.
I found all these sayings about your heart is true - broken heart, heavy heart, heart sick, unburden your heart... It was all real. And the AA sayings of “Let go and let God,” “Get out of your own way,” “Your brain is a dangerous place, dont’ go in alone...” were so so true!
I was shown how using my brain to run my life was a big mistake and is for everyone. That we always need to act from the heart.
I was shown that I needed always to lead with my heart... Literally, to connect with her every day and keep her right on the top of my chest where I can feel her and check in with her all the time. (I even have a new posture to ensure that.) That all the problems in my life just don’t matter. They showed me how to have a sense of detachment - to keep focused on my heart and just do what’s put in front of me as it happens. Not to worry about anything because that’s about brain and ego, and in reality, it just doesn’t matter.
I could see that our hearts are beautiful crystals alight with a golden flame and this is what they are for: to receive and transmit. To receive info from the Godhead, with chest up, heart open and receive, receive, receive and then process and live it.
I kept focusing on my heart and she showed me how much she didn’t trust me to look after her by hiding all ceremony long. I had to keep chasing her around my chest and neck to feel where she was and then pull her out and hold her up to continue the work being performed from above. I had trained her very well to do the duck and cover bit and I felt a lot of compassion for the person who thought they had to live that way. Me.
I made her a promise then and there that she was the new boss. That I would always honor what she wanted and she could absolutely always depend on me to protect her.
And I was tireless. She kept hiding, I kept chasing her down, pulling her out and holding her up. It was exhausting but I needed to prove it to her. I still do every day.
Each round of realizations started with a feeling of nausea or diarrhea that had to be worked through by focusing on my heart. Around the 3rd round, my heart told me I needed some help or more aya or something. And I went up to the shaman who sang me more icaros.
I realized how cynical and disrespectful I had been of the ceremony, the medicine, him, etc. I didn’t really believe, and I felt ashamed and so sorry. So as not to disrupt the ceremony I apologized to him and everyone in my head which I know they all heard. As well, I also thanked everyone for holding the space for me to do this work.
During latter part of all this work, I turned my attention to two different subjects: God and my mother. Not together but wondering if we would touch on either of those in this ceremony. I think I could have gone there but I just decided to leave it up to the powers that be. If they thought it was important to deal with that time, I was ok with whatever they chose and they didn’t choose either.
I could also feel some deep, ancient issues rumbling around in my depths, in the form of a hideous reptilian thing, and knew that at one time in the future, it would have to be faced.
Other issues/problems I brought up were answered with “We’ll deal with that later” or “It will come to you. Just keep tuning into your heart. You will be fine.”
I also got that my purges weren’t about vomiting or having diarrhea but of crying. I then put my bucket away and pulled out the toilet paper roll saying “Tissues are the tools of this Warrior Maiden” which I thought was quite clever at the time.
At some point, I became aware that the beams from above that had been cleaning my heart had changed to downloading packages and that instead of holding up my heart in my hands became just holding my chest up in a certain way so I could receive the downloads.
Each time I received a download, my body jerked and that went on for a few days afterward. The jolts didn’t hurt, in fact they are like a shiver and so are pleasurable. I asked what the downloads were and was only told that they were packages to be opened later.
At the same time as I was reacquainting myself with my heart, I also had the idea that there were these beings in me giving me a really thorough overhaul, restructuring and rebuilding my body, my brain, my system,... I was so battered and bruised from all the years of drugs, alcohol, junk food, improper thoughts and deeds... I really needed it.
And when my brain wanted to think or analyze, the beings just showed me a hand and said STOP! After a while I just heard the word STOP! And when I got distracted by someone else in the room, they just said NOT MY BIZ. And I know that those are tools to take into my day to day life to keep myself focused on my heart.
At one point, I had a vision of the top of a tall spaceship with someone looking out the window at me, letting my know that if I did all this work, I could join them in the spaceship when it left. It felt like the light-workers of the world and that they were leaving soon. Not sure.
All the while in the background of my 2nd sight, there were images subtly sliding by of temples and symbols and big snakes where all I could really see were the geometrical patterns on their backs. I didn’t want to see a lot of psychedelics in my first ceremonies and I got my wish. The whole experience was very powerful yet so subtle and gentle. I was later told by the organizer that that had been the Shaman’s intention for me. I am a tough nut on the outside but I would have been scared and closed myself up had it happened any other way.
Nearing the end when I was beyond tired, I discovered breathing and how fun it really was. Specifically deep breathing. It felt like swinging on a swing way up high and then way down low. I could breath so deep for so long. It was to clean me out and give me more energy.
I was adamantly told also to stop trying to figure people out. I don’t even know my own self. I need to get to know my own self and to learn to live the heart centered way.
Also, if I am to write books, that it will be from the heart or not at all.
I finally understand the St. Francis of Assis prayer. To wanting to live and eat clean so that I can be a channel for love, peace, etc. I get it! I was told that I have to take good care of my heart and body, to be a clear channel for love.
I also saw that I had an awakening at 33 years of age at the women’s spiritual recovery house that I had called my 3 hour walk with God. I was shown a lot of stuff about why I was the way I was, etc. So much so fast. I’m not sure why it didn’t stick then but I’m determined that it will this time.
At the end, I felt so grateful yet unworthy of receiving so much and I was told that I was worthy. Look, I had received the healing that I asked for. And then I got it. I really got it.
I received so much more than I can possibly remember or put down here but this a good start. I got it! Now the work will be trying to keep it!
I wanted this so much all my life and I almost missed it. I am so grateful to all that make ayahuasca known all over the world so that I didn’t have to miss it.