Where do I even begin? I will start by saying that exactly 24 hrs after this trip I am still very much affected both mentally and physically. The power of my experience was such that I believe I am actually in physical shock. There has been a constant tension and trembling through my entire body all day. Before any concerned members call me an ambulance,(lol) I will add that through deep meditation, wholesome food (cereals, fruits and veggies), and spending the whole day in complete reflective silence, these physical aspects are slowly passing. As for the mental aspects, I believe they will remain with me through my entire life.
Yesterday morning I awoke completely refreshed from a good nights sleep. It was one of those mornings where you just know it will be a good day. Optimistic of this, and having not tripped in 5 days trying to gain some sort of meaning from my previous experiences, I logged in to the chat area of this site and made the decision to trip in the evening. My optimism was not disappointed, I spent a great day visiting with two close high school friends, having lunch with my mom, and reading from a rather enjoyable book. After a delicious home cooked supper, I already had an elated feeling. I began to meditate.
Now from reading my previous posts, some of you may know that my first experiences had, although profound, left me wanting something more. As a Darwinian atheist, what has always drawn me to psychedelics is the possibility of the Divine experience. This is what I have always sought through the use of mushrooms, salvia, LSD, mescaline, and now DMT. Over a combined ten year period of using these substances, this is something I was never able to achieve.Last night I found exactly what I have always been looking for.
Over my 5 day break, I began meditating. It was suggested to me by various members here that this would perhaps soften my ego,(which has now been shattered irreversibly) allowing me to better open myself up to recieve this type of of experience. I know that many people must practice meditation for years or a lifetime for it to be effective, but I found that almost instantly I am capable of very deep inner thought, to the point where I am almost unaware of my surroundings. This in itself, I have realized,is a very useful tool to peer inwards, and also relieve anxiety and stress.
Also over my 5 day break, I acquired a classic Vapor Genie vaporisor, which I was also advised by members is the most effective way to smoke. After smoking this way, I realize how much I have been wasting using other smoking methods. I would highly recommend this vaporizor to anyone wishing to smoke DMT.
Ok. My trip.....
It was about 8:00, with the last glow of sunset barely casting a pink hue across the snowy Rocky Mountains. I remember thinking how beautiful this was, and what a wonderful day it had been. I closed my eyes to reflect on this for a few seconds, and it was like I was floating on a cloud. This was a very different mindset compared to the seconds before all of my previous trips. There was no trepidation. I raised the VG containing approx 50 mg to my lips and with my eyes still closed,took a deep, cleansing breath. In then out. I lit the pipe and the "proper" vapor felt and tasted smooth. I drew long and steady,until my lungs were completely full. I held the hit for about ten seconds. As I blew out, I noticed my lips were totally numb. I remember giggling, a giddy little laugh.
On my second toke I drew faster and stronger, as I started to feel "myself" drifting away. Three, then four.The last thing I remember in this world,was setting the VG on my table,with its bulbous profile wiggling back and forth like a snake.I heard my own muffled laughter getting farther and farther away.
Suddenly it was like i was in the center of an atom,an atom at the center of a nuclear fusion reaction. Rather than shooting outwards,I was imploding.It was like energy was flowing directly into me from every direction,but very circularly.Like radiai from every point on the outside of a sphere.I was the 4th dimension.The energy was bright white and electric,and it was all the same,but I could see it coming towards me everywhere I looked.I associated this with being at the centermost point of a massive star. For minutes I revelled in this realization and understanding,all the while growing smaller and smaller.
At some point I realized that this was much more than a star,this was the entire universe collapsing into me.It was the big bang in reverse and I was the starting point of everything that exists.At this moment I thought I was god.As soon as I had this thought THE ENTIRE process reversed, and the energy began to leave me all at the same speed that it came to me.For minutes i was very confused and terrified.All i could think was "I was wrong, I was wrong,I was wrong,I was so wrong.Im not god,and now god is angry with me for even presuming that I was with my tiny human brain." It was this that literally shattered my ego.I felt that every thought I had ever had was the exact opposite of what it was supposed to be.I was bipolarism.I am sure I was sobbing the entire time I was experiencing this.It was absolutely devastating to who I am and who I have always been.Like an atomic bomb was dropped squarely into the middle of my psyche.
Then I was pushed backwards at trillions of miles a second out past the edge of the universe, farther and farther until it was only a ball of light the size of a rubber bouncy ball in the center of a black space.I could see duality in its simplest form. Night and day,black and white.The terror was gone.I felt nothing.Then over top of the bouncy ball universe came a faint pink mist.It grew in size and I suddenly realized that it was the same color of pink I had seen and admired and thought to be so beautiful across the mountains at my house way back in the beginning of time.I again reveled in realization.The mist swirled and weaved and formed two pink arms and hands.They were together and then spread apart to either side,presenting the universe to me, like a magician saying "Ta-da."
I was being shown. The hands had both caused and created everything that I used to be while I was in the center of the universe.My minds eye was bugging out, this was He, and He had chosen me to impart this knowledge to.The bliss I had felt before my trip came rushing back to me, only ten fold,like a reward from Him for this final and most profound realization. I seriously doubt that any religious prophet could ever experience this level of transcendence and enlightenment without the aid of DMT. The mist swirled and moved away,slowly, and I also understood this speed,understood His intention.
Then the mist was gone. The bouncy ball universe,still the intense burning white light, shrank to the size of a pin head and disappeared,and there was nothing but black.I opened my eyes and I was back in my kitchen, in our galaxy and our solar system,on our planet in my country of Canada,nestled between the mountains in the beautiful province of British Columbia. I had been hunched over my table,and it was covered in a pool of tears. Tears of terror,tears of joy,tears of understanding. I stumbled down my hallway to my bathroom, twitching and shaking, tears still pouring down my face.The person I saw in my mirror was not the same person I had been 26 minutes earlier.Though I don't know exactly how, this experience has changed me forever. If nothing else, I have gained humility, in witnessing the awesome power of creation, and better know my own place in the universe. At this point I scarcely see the need to ever trip again, I feel completely fulfilled.....MEO