I don't even know where to begin. Before going into this I asked for guidance, love, healing, nurturing, gratitude, etc. After taking the medicine orally for the first time tonight with harmalas I feel like I have been through the ringer and across the gamut of human expression all in a 1 hour or so span.
10 min in or so I started to feel nausea coming on so I went to lay down. Very soon after, my thoughts brought me to old pains and scars. As a child I went through some different types of abuse that I've never really been able to heal from. Let me just say: Intention. I set the intention for healing and I was dragged through hell and back, but feel so much better for it.
I began to cry. Deep, deep sobs. The nausea continued and I remember thinking to myself "don't puke. Try to hold it in or you'll throw up all the medicine". After a bit of this kind of thought process, I was "told", "no, it's all got to come up. You've got to let it go".
So I went to the bathroom. I puked up what felt like so much more than I had previously eaten for lunch. I had a vision of a fist in my stomach grabbing this black, inky, dark goo and as it brought it up toward my throat I vomited. A lot. I felt like this fist was pulling out all the old pain and everything that goes along with it from where it had entrenched itself into me for years, and helped me to expel it into the toilet.
Once I got through this I went back to the bedroom to sit on the bed. I found myself rocking back and forth in a comforting way. I had the sensation of being wrapped in a warm hug. Taken care of, warmth. I felt the presence of a feminine latino energy (I am not latino myself), and I found myself saying out of nowhere "Madre Mio (my mother in spanish-I had to look it up)" over and over. Still crying, but feeling lighter since I purged I continued to cry and let all this pain out.
So through the whole course of this session I came to a number of realizations.
1. That the reason I go out of my way to help people who need it is because no one helped me
when I needed it.
2. I need to take care of myself. Even though I feel my purpose is to help others in some big way, that I can't help anyone unless I take care of myself and work on healing myself first.
3. That I am the most important person in my life. (What a revelation! But I tend to do things for other people, and take care of them before taking care of myself).
4. That my ultimate path is to learn how to heal and once I make it out the other side of that, then to help others on their journey. -I don't know how, or when. But I've got the what and who at least.
After I came down a bit and pondered all these things I smoked approx 50mg and hour or so later. I was put into a state of geometric shapes, almost like checkerboard background, etc. I felt like I was "downloading" lots of info. As I was coming out of it I started to giggle. Then laugh. Then not be able to stop laughing for like 2 full minutes.
So. Still with me?
All in all I got so much more than I thought I had asked for. But the spirit of the medicine gives you what you need, when you need it.