Well friends, I have a story for you, about this young man who decided to drop some acid one morning and got more than he bargained for. Not exactly a DMT story, but it has taught me lessons just as well as DMT has, so I felt I should post it here. I hope you enjoy my journey, and would love to hear what you think!
I dropped all five hits at once around five in the morning, and began to watch Fear and Loathing in Las vegas as a come-up movie. I have always loved watching it while starting my lucy trips, because it's just one hell of an intense psychedelic trip by itself.
Quite quickly I began to feel that nervous, jittery feeling that naturally goes along with every come-up I have ever had. Streams of shaky energy shot through my legs and arms, and tensed my mind, but I knew once I began to journey, I would relax and this feeling would dissipate.
About half-way through the movie during the bathtub scene, the images on the screen began to morph, bend, and twist in that all too familiar way. I smiled a wide, beady eyed smile as the odd static chittering began to rise in my mind.
A metallic vibrating buzz, constantly oscillating back and forth, changing in pitch and intensity, rocketing through my head. Indeed, this was going to be one hell of a morning. The jefferson airplane scene began to play on my computer screen, and the dancing people's arms multiplied into each other and formed what appeared to be a large, organic web of hands, swaying in rhythm like a strange underwater plant form.
My perception of time began to slow greatly, then speed past in an instant. I looked to the screen one minute, then looked at my arms and hands, only to see the same exact patterns reflected on my skin. Language ceased to be a solid structure, and patterns of giggling, mumbling, grunting, and rambling began to ripple through my head: "Grrbul hoffle-huahahahehehe sutonmehan get-to-go robble herkhe tibbleherj HA! Toei jen officle HuahehehauehehehAHAHAHAAHAHa", and things along those lines yet much weirder.
The movies intense nature and overly bizarre scenery began to overwhelm me, so I took my headphones out and laid back onto my bed. The perception of my body extended into infinity and back, twirling my spine into countless loops and twists, holes appeared and re-sealed themselves, limbs felt numb and then vibrantly alive, touch, sound and visions all merging together in an unfathomable bundle of joy and ecstatic wonder.
Massaging or stretching different areas of my body sent ripples of sensations through completely unrelated parts, causing all sorts of odd and pleasurable sensations. Arousal, astonishment, utter joy, mischievous playfulness and silent observation swirling in cycles over and over again, all as one yet separate. Aside from the infinity of constantly changing geometric shapes, surrealistic art and sound-waves blasting through my minds eye, I was shown every person who I have ever known.
Everyone I have associated with, my good friends, enemies, family, folks I had conversations with then never saw again, everyone, catapulting into my visions in waves, put into strange situations, giving me knowing looks, speaking to me, rehearsing memories, distorting then returning, turning horribly evil, then utterly divine, I was shown every aspect of who they could be, what they know and don't know.
At this point a healthy amount of sunshine was passing through my window shades, but I barely took notice. Time had long since ceased to mean anything to me. Hours or seconds passed, where had my mind been during that time? How long have I been here? Thoughts, cursed thoughts born from ego, looping and extending into infinity; the simplest thought evolving and gathering until it is now an endless wonder for my mind to wrestle over forever and ever, yet never solve....what was I just thinking about?
Who are you? Why are you here? What are you doing? Life. Life. Why are you here? What is the purpose? This is something you have not been able to understand since you can ever remember. Stop! This is just a thought. You wont discover the meaning of the universe in this short period while tripping. Just let it pass. It is...it is...what am I? What is existence? So many states of being, so many truths to learn, truths that can change...how can that be truth? What is real?
How can anything I hold true be real if it changes so easily. If we can all have different truths then what the hell is really real to ME? And who am I? This created ego? My personality that I have spent so many years developing?
My history, my story? This can't be who I am, it's just a story. The past is the past, a story re-told in the head over and over to reassure us of who we are, but who we are is in the present and here I am SO WHO AM I? Damn it! Stop! You wont figure this out! But I just cannot seem to stop this pondering....what am I, who am I, why am I, what WHAT WHAT WHAT?
At this point I seem to be catapulted out of my personal loops, my ego trying to discover the reality of itself, yet being unable to, as the ego is an illusion, yet the ego cannot possibly realize this for that would mean it's destruction and I just could not seem to let it go. So the only thing it could do was propel me out of this existential thought loop and my mind, my awareness was taken away for a awhile, somewhere far far away.
Finally, with some sense of peace restored, I closed my eyes, and I listened, I perceived. Surreal concept structures and belief systems fluttered passed me, borrowed my awareness for a time to test it out, then left. Different ways of thinking, of being, all simply making me aware of them. Then an odd concept, an odd structure began to stick. It was so far away, I do not know how to describe this sensation, of a bundle of beliefs, actions, and ideas just suddenly rocketing into my mind and making themselves a reality to me.
There was a battle, a battle being had over me. This one, this small, pitiful soul torturing itself here...and I am confused. I know there is a battle being fought over me, somewhere far away, not of this world, but who? Why? Visions more powerful than I have ever known are ripping through my mind, and all my ego, my feeble little illusion of self can do, is grab onto different aspects of what is being shown to me. And what it grabs, and tries to make sense of is something that has been rejected by my mind for many years. I am not a religious man; I rejected religion and religious concepts all my life in favor for exploring shamanism, mysticism, occultism, and psychedelic exploration.
Yet in this moment, I am being told, being shown: Here are a legion of Angels and Demons fighting over me, on some dimensional plane far away from here. Intense fear and confusion wrack my being. I don't understand this, I don't get it. Why is this...how can this be? I can hear the wicked sounds of battle; angry cries, swords clashing, moans of pain and voices calling out to me, telling me to be strong, that I will be ok. I felt this was a very old battle, something that had been done over and over for many lifetimes, many thousands of years, and here I was being shown one of the climaxes, one of the results in this current reality, in this dimension.
Questions are being put through my mind while this battle rages on, and it is influencing what side is winning. I know I am not doing very well with these questions, as I get strong vibes of disapproval as I do my best to answer in my shaky, confused, and fearful mindset just barely able to formulate solid responses to the questions being posed in my mind. I remember not the questions nor answers I gave, but I was given one last thing to answer...so I did. A horrified groan of dread and despair rippled through the legion of angels, and the waves of demons grin and shout in savage victory.
Then language is cut off in my head. I am given no more questions, nor can I respond to anything. Fear. The metallic waves of sound I usually hear on acid begin to slowly turn into the humming of swarms of flies. The smell of rotting meat, a sickly sweet smell of decay pierces my nostrils and I cannot rid myself of it. Then fear. Horrible, black, crippling fear comes shooting though my very being. I scream, inside my head, this horrible blackness, this horrible presence now has claim to me, utterly and completely.
Behind the sound of humming flies comes a growl, growing in intensity and ferocity. Hatred, disgust, evil I never even pondered, could never fathom now glaring down at my cowering spirit. "Filthy, disgusting pathetic. Moronic waste of life, not even fit to have been given the gift in the first place. You know nothing. You have wasted the gift, you squalid little wretch. You have been given many chances, and you blew them all. Your fucked. FUCKED. There is nothing you can do. You screwed up. It is all your fault, you disgusting piece of garbage. So caught up in your own existence, you ignorant shit. You know nothing, NOTHING AT ALL. You pretend you know, oh you like to act all wise and knowing, don't you? Oh yes, always so caught up in your own beliefs, convincing yourself you know everything, well you stupid little fuck, you don't know a damn thing. Given so many chances, yet you constantly fail. Disappointment. Weakling. And so PROUD of it! You're meager little accomplishments, you act as if you've got it all down! How pathetic! Vile wretched fool."
At this point, as you might imagine, I am utterly done with this experience. I get up, walk around, drink water yet, the water tastes like putrid garbage and no matter how much I drink, my mouth still feels as if it is full of sand. Pain wracks my body, and it feels as if life is slipping away faster and faster out of my being. I feel worse than I have ever felt in my life, I cannot get this wretched smell away, and this dark essence, this taunting, angry thing will not leave my mind, it has me in a vice grip and will not let go.
I begin pleading in my mind, calling out for anything. Help! Help! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Please help me! The darkness remains, and imitates me in a pathetic whiny voice: "Oh, please help! Ooohhhh poor me, please help! Ahahahahahaha! Pathetic. Look at you. Disgusting creature." I look out the window at a tree in my backyard that has shed all it's leaves, at the gray sky, at the sun barely coming in through the clouds. A golden fog begins to creep into my mind, not pushing out the darkness, but rather making itself present. Through it I see an older, bearded man smiling at me. He is dressed in the robes of a yogi, and he smiles at me. He says "Hey, it's ok. Don't worry. This is why you are here. You need to learn this. This is why you came here. Listen to me. Love. Love. All you need is love. Don't panic, just love. This is the whole point. Do it! Go ahead! Do it!" And I did. In that moment, looking at this Indian man smiling at me in the golden light, I felt love. Love for him, love for me, love for life, love for all that is, love for this miracle of existence I had been given. love for this form, love for the formless, love, love, love.
An image then came into my mind. A sapling, withered and rotten, being filled with energy. This energy surges through the sapling, green returns to it's skin, and it grows, it grows into a magnificent tree full of life and substance, and it just is. The darkness grunts, and moves away from me, gone for now. I have visions of winged beings, dressed in golden armor surrounding me, the most beautiful, divine yet completely familiar faces I have ever seen. Relief is on their faces, relief and love, telling me I made it, they are so happy and overjoyed I am here. They tell me they love me, they have been waiting, and fighting to get to me. I lay my head back and cry, so relieved and filled with love and gratitude.
But as I lie there, I make the one fatal mistake. I let my ego slip back in, and poison my pure awareness. It goes "Oh god, what has happened to me? What had I become? I'm so sorry!" The love and gratitude I have are still there, but they are now tainted by the guilt of the ego, the regret for the stupidity, ignorance and foolishness I had played out in my life. This grows and grows, and the darkness returns. It uses my fragile state to trick me, to fool me away from the love I had just recently learned to tap. It sends visions swirling into my mind, horrid disgusting situations placing me as the tortured star of each one. It poses it's own questions to confuse and anger me, it brings out of me the worst aspects of my ego: self-pity, hatred, ignorant pride, fear, self entitlement, and each time I give in, it mocks me and tells me just how pathetic and unworthy I am. This trickery goes on for a while, and eventually ended up with a bad freakout, but that is a story from another time.
It took me a great amount of time to integrate this journey, and there is an innumerable amount of ideas and concepts I could use to explain it. I could easily portray it as a very strong psychological trip, where different aspects of my ego attacked and confronted each other while being able to view different sides subjectively, or I could explain it in a spiritual way and say it was an inter-dimensional trip that took place between astral realms and this plane...But I've stopped trying to explain it to myself. I don't need to know what happened to me, or what I went through that day.
I take from it the only thing that I needed to. Love. Love is all you need. When you release yourself from the limiting confines of the ego, and dip into that endless store of love and divine awareness, you realize yourself as one with all that is, and need not feel the pain that the ego brings. Anger, hatred, fear, sorrow, discontentment, pity, pride, and all of that garbage...none of these can stand up to the light of love.
So remember during your journeys, or your trip though this existence...all you need is love.