PRE-CONDITIONS
(mind)Set: calm, meditative
(physical condition) Set: wearing loose, comfortable clothing
Setting (location): bedroom of house, quiet with dimmed lights
time of day: 2200
recent drug use: none
last meal: 1600, sushi
PARTICIPANT
Gender: male
body weight: 74 kg
known sensitivities: none
history of use: novice
BIOASSAY
Substance(s): DMT freebase powder
Dose(s): 35 mg
Method of administration: vaporizer
On a quiet, clear night I weighed out my dose and prepped the bowl of my vaporizer. I lit some incense, dimmed the lights, and practiced some mindfulness meditation seated comfortably in my favorite chair. After a time the discursive thoughts popping into my awareness waned to a trickle, and I patiently fished out the remaining stragglers with the net of samatha.
When my mind was ready I lit the torch and took my dose, inhaling slowly and deeply while noticing the pleasant warmth of the vapors streaming past my mouth, curving down my trachea, then branching progressively in every direction to fill my lungs. I made an earnest effort near the end of the long, slow hit to forcefully inhale to capacity, attempting to breach every alveoli.
I set the lighter and pipe down beside me and relaxed back onto the chair, already sensing some funny tingling-prickling sensations washing over my body. At some point it occurred to me that maybe I could hold my breath forever, and would continue to exist in this world of disintegrating boundaries I was now seeing before me. I gave my physical body back to itself with love though, and a sense of communal rejoicing in what felt like every cell in my body vibrating with sustained pleasure enveloped me. The exhalation was exquisite. With waves of feeling my cells seemed to communicate with me via sensation, revealing that each cell was an individual being as well as the organ/form being from which they were made up. And in turn each cell made up of its own individual form/function being. Both an infinite digress and expansion of communal integration. My physical body itself was inherently a joyous community of mind-blowing enormity! A universe unto itself in which I was responsible to look after; to love and care for (or abuse and neglect, if I chose to).
Meanwhile, the room I was sitting in began to glow luminously, and my visual field seemed to have taken on a ghostly overlay of complex fractal-like movements in soft, primary colors. Textures and objects became parodies of themselves; the wood grain of a dresser presented gorgeous patterns of organic sublimity "growing" in browns and tans, the fuzzy fleece blanket draped on the bed had become a mass of luxurious looking chinchilla fur (and was oozing around amorphously like an amoeba on a slide plate), the stereo transceiver with digital display and backlit buttons became a slick black plastic spaceship with metallic pearls of green and red lights racing along its edges. I became entranced by a chocolate brown shag rug on the floor, it was writhing in and out of itself as an orgy of pythons. The details of the scales were beautiful and seemed archaic, popping out in a wild 3D display with intricate plays on shadow and light. A face popped out of the mass of serpentine gyration and I realized it was really one very long being entangling itself. The head of the creature reminded me of an old dragon of sorts, maybe of Norse origin but there was also a definite heavy Mayan or Aztec stylization intermingling with its overall appearance. Its texture and make-up were that of intricate and ancient stone carvings, though in parallel it seemed vibrantly alive and in perpetual motion.
I was soon compelled to close my eyes, forcing myself to relax into the experience as the visuals were becoming almost too intense. With eyes closed I quietly observed the CEVs rush in as a familiar multi-dimensional sea of "folding-unfolding" engulfed me. Palettes in brown this time, with pale yellows and splashes of blue, green and red in a definite ubiquitous pattern of rounded geometry.
Something floated kind of sideways-like into my awareness out of the roiling fractal sea, its movement reminded me of a computer screensaver (like when the OS icon randomly floats around, bumping the edge of the screen then moving in another direction). When I focused on it with my awareness it seemed to "sense" me and moved closer/larger out of the ambient space as an outline of sorts. It seemed vaguely familiar and when I could distinguish its form it appeared insectoid in essence and feeling. "Whaaaa? It's that buggy thing again!" I remembered the same strange shifting form and feeling from a previous experience I had where this insect-like thing had probed me with its mosquito proboscis. Same kind of jumbled mesh of legs and antennae (?), same black beady morphing spider eyes, and the rectangular flat body/tag hanging down off of it. A sort of squid or octopi bioluminescence strobe seemed to be vying for my attention. So complex and interesting (I was like a dumb bird who finds something shiny, ha-ha)! Its colors were the same as the background fractals, but in a differing rearrangement of pattern so that I was able to distinguish a sense of shape. Very alien looking against the backdrop of CEVs, it seemed like if it didn't have the differing geometric pattern and "tag" it would be the same as the background noise and therefore camouflaged. I also got a strong sense that the longer I was aware of it, "looking" at it, the more substantially it existed (?).
I reminded myself to "pay attention!" but this seemed to be at odds with an inherent will to let go into the experience. The buggy thing swam/corkscrewed closer to my proximity and on the flat, tag portion of its body there were morphing symbols or words of some sort. The color of the symbols were maybe a bioluminescent red or burgundy and the closest thing I might describe them in style is Sanskrit or Arabic. I could see the moving symbols and writing were actually three dimensional, like tubular shapes suspended inside a crystal. I had no awareness of their meaning (if any) as it was so foreign but at the same time there was that strong sense of familiarity to them and to the whole experience in general.
From that point things got a little, how should I say, indescribably confusing and mind-@#!% blowing! My recall became extremely spotty (there seemed to be enormous chunks of information and experiences in subjective eons of time), but I think I was able to pull out the gist of it in the following:
I blew through/past/away from the buggy thing after being enthralled by its body (I felt that something about the symbols reminded me of something, something in my awareness definitely clicked). I suddenly found to my surprised and confused delight that I had the ability to fold and unfold my awareness at will, to kind of expand and contract it in a very controlled manner.
I felt I expanded my awareness out into every "thing" and played for a time as an eternal realm of existence.
I felt I contracted my awareness in and became one with the "void", and was a realm of infinite potential and possibility.
I sped the universe up to an unimaginable complexity of dimensions, motions, growths and degradations.
I slowed the universe down to its most fundamental and perfect abiding essence.
I found my entire awareness and being laughing joyously, and when I laughed the universe laughed with me, reverberating in something like an echo.
At some point/moment/realization I was aware of myself sitting in my room and remembered that I had a physical body and it was laughing so freely like a tickled child opening presents on his birthday. It felt SOOOOOO good to laugh like that I even had tears in my eyes. I attempted to write some of the information gleaned from the experience down (which was hilarious in itself as the blank paper I was writing on looked like a 3D crystal screen broadcasting dizzying fractal patterns, very confusing to write on!) The best I got was:
-In the moment... there is nothing... no "thing" ----> void, discomfort(?), wonder, bliss, darkness, light, no form (there is no time)
-It is only when I let go of the moment that there becomes "something" ----> time, grasping, thinking, perceiving, the creation of form (all these things are in time)
I meditated quietly on the experience afterward for awhile, feeling a warm fuzzy afterglow that carried on into the night and following day. Like previous journeys I felt as if my mind and body had been washed clean and I had an enhanced sense of focus in all of my faculties.
"If you're frightened of dying, and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. If you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth" Jacob's Ladder