My bad experience went like this...
I layed back and closed my eyes as usual. I knew right away that I was denied entry. Instead of geometry or visions I was confronted with chaotic colors right in my face. Buzzing swirling, sharp colors, it was very hectic and uncomfortable but the visuals were not scary. I knew where I was physically, I knew what I had done, I was telling myself to keep breathing. The vibe was very bad in a way that I can’t describe. Impending doom. If a normal trip is like being surrounded by fireflies, this was like being surrounded by wasp. My mind felt like it was amped up on caffeine, spiraling, it was not normal. Panic started to set in. Now my heart rate could be felt going insane. I started to feel an adrenaline rush. My throat felt constricted, mouth became dry, I became very hot and was able to push off my covers. I wanted to leave, to run, to escape. It was really terrible both physically and mentally. I think I handled it as best as I was able to. I tried to relax into it, but it would not release me. I told myself to breath, lay motionless and that it would end. I rode it out. It lasted about 7 minutes. I was shaken badly. I wanted to never do this again.
After it happened I read through many bad trip reports so I have a pretty good idea that this happens from time to time for various reasons. I’ve been trying to be as careful and respectful as I can. Perhaps this happened out of frequency of use. I’m not sure. Here’s what happened leading up to this event.
Some background. When I first started dmt about six months ago, I tried pharma. The first few times, when the peak hit, I fought it and I had some panic. I felt some of the symptoms of panic, especially the heart racing. I got over that quickly, had a few good pharma trips and then moved to vaporizing and have been absolutely fine. I thought the panic was just from fighting it, and inexperience, and that appeared to be the case.
I have been doing 3 to 3.5 grams of rue tea. Then I take 10 to 20 mg (measured) in the GVG in one hit. I usually do it twice in one session. A higher dose, then a lower dose. I usually breakthrough on the first dose but not the second because I keep the dose lower.
Gifted
On a Friday night I did 3.5g rue tea then 18mg in GVG. I had a good experience but I didn’t remember very much so I decided I would do a little less the next time. During the afterglow period I came in contact with this feeling of familiarity. The visuals had a particular look to them that I remembered from my past. Something that perhaps I knew as a child or an infant. After it was over I cleared the pipe again but nothing was left. I was done. This also triggered a real memory from when I was about 5 or 6 years old that I confirmed.
Come Sunday morning I decided to try again. I was fascinated by this feeling of familiarity. 3.5 g Rue tea, waited an hour, loaded up 15mg. I hit a very nice level. I was immersed in visuals but I was still present. I was recording the session and I was able to speak a few words to aid in my recall. This is about the level I like to go to. Right when the peak ended I entered into a particular place. This was it. There is some kind of distant memory here. I laughed, I cried a little. I don’t know how, but I have been here before. The visual look of this realm is of frosted translucent glass filled with dancing rainbow colors. The complexity of the shapes, motions and patterns is beyond what I can describe. It was this magical playroom of sorts. I had a reconnection with a state of consciousness I had long forgotten. It was as if I didn't just remember the place but I remembered a part of myself.
Slapped
I was excited, which in retrospect may have been a good reason to stop. I measured 10mg about 40 minutes after my first hit. That’s when the DMT gods slammed the door in my face. My body and mind must not have been ready for more but I didn’t realize it. I’ve read that this stuff is self regulating and I feel like I got self regulated. Maybe I was caught at that uncomfortable spot between breakthrough and non breakthrough. I don’t know.
So I’m left with one of my most meaningful experiences, backed with a terrible one. It’s going to take me awhile to integrate this. I want to be safe. I don’t want this to happen again. I’m questioning everything right now and I feel traumatized though it’s slowly getting better. I’m not completely sure why this happened.