DMT has been the focus of my interest for well over a year now, the descriptions of experiences triggered almost uncontrollable curiosity, but until now I have remained passive. A good friend of mine who considers himself (And I consider him) to be an urban shaman and a guide of some sort, guiding others not by telling them how it is but encouraging personal discovery. He spoke to me about DMT and told me not to seek it and that it will find me, and he was quite right indeed.
I am an anxious, timid and gentle person, much of my life has been consumed by fear and I honestly could never see myself taking a high dose of DMT deliberately, but finally I feel liberated. The dose of n,n-DMT was foolishly eyeballed after "testing the waters" with very small but un-impressive experiences. The last lack lustre experience left me looking face to face into an enormous being of light, my memory of exactly what happened was jaded and I fear that excessive recall may jade or falsify memories. After this I was quite excited to make contact however frustrated in the lack of communication, the being spoke into my thoughts but I couldn't understand it, it seemed frustrated and somewhat angry that I had appeared in front of it, intoxicated from cannabis and therefor incapable of listening.
Then, came the lesson.
Another larger dose was loaded, ~80mg which was intended to be shared between two people, the first took their hit then quickly passed it on, I smoked It hard and fast expecting 40mg... And then panic, a moment of clarity quickly revealed I had just consumed the entire 80mg, I felt my vision blur and swirl and heard a high pitched whine getting louder and louder, it was too intense I felt like my body couldn't handle it and I didn't even expect the experience, I closed my eyes and saw a hallway of grand looking arches of light accelerating but with no particular direction. The experience accelerated faster and faster I thought to myself "this is it, I cannot handle anymore" and then I died.
I became aware again, my conciousness reformed and I found myself standing before that same enormous light being, it felt divine like standing before god. This time however it was clear, the accidental dose was no accident and the being had demonstrated its power, it was one of many gods which could indirectly manipulate my life, it was responsible for the "accident" and done so to bring me back. I was judged, it seemed angry that my reasoning for wanting DMT was wrong, and without a doubt it was correct, and so began the punishment. I confronted not only myself, but collective pain and misery of the entire human race, I was scared and confused and didn't know who, what or where I was, I had no recollection of ever existing and felt that I hadnt even been born yet. Visually there was bright light, but to be honest I wasnt exactly taking note of my surroundings while deep in confusion.
The trial felt like it continued for an eternity, I was trapped inside some kind of cube or dome? And felt as if I was being tumbled around in a washing machine, this was traumatic and deeply terrifying. However, it stopped and the tumbling finally settled, I had passed my test, the being wanted me to prove I wanted to be conscious (in an egoless sense) but most importantly learn from my mistake, it became apparent that my punishment was self inflicted. From this point the tone had completely changed, I felt at peace and quite settled and within the cube appeared a cloud of energy type material, I was told that this was all, the collective human conciousness and that we are still young in their realm, I learnt that humans are spiritual beings with a physical face which barely represented us truly. Then cloud of energy split and divided like cells in a single living being and parts of the conciousness became subjective and self aware, it was then that I was allowed to witness my beginning as a microscopic portion of the total consciousness split off, became self aware and realised that it was me, I had just watched the birth of not my body but of ME.
My self started to return at this point, I'd estimate 8-10 minutes after the final inhalation. It felt a bit rough on return and as my memories, ego, personality and finally body was given back to me I felt quite glad to be back, the moment the room began to appear it looked foreign and confusing but slowly made sense. I saw someone sitting next to me and realised it was my partner, I grabbed her hand as soon as I could and repeatedly said "I am so f*ing glad to be back", she had not realised that I accidentally broke through until then. It was emotionally quite tough and I broke down into tears, and heavily cried for about 30mins, I felt an enormous overload of emotion.
I feel this happened for a reason and that it was the doing of a higher being, I feel I have awoken from a dream that has lasted 21 years and that 8minutes had just contained more substance, more meaning then the sum total of my conscious life.
My experience was not punishment, and I feel so grateful for I have been healed, I was liberated from myself and have returned with a duty to share what I experienced and to help my fellow human being, I have awoken into a higher conciousness based off selflessness and willingness to merge with the collective conscious and in turn release my ego.
I am not a slave, I am not a machine and now I have finally awoken. My purpose is now clear, the meaning of my life although unexplainable is now known and I feel a strong pull to follow a path of shamanism, not so I can heal others but so I can help them to heal themselves.