Baby steps I guess.
Earlier this year, during a 3 mos stay in Brasil, I had a surprise opportunity to try ayahuasca with some friends that I had met recently.
I had heard some really great and interesting things about the brew from other american friends who had done a "total package" trip to Peru with shamans, and they gave very detailed accounts of their process, the diet, the purging, the shamans, the importance of the presence of their guides both through the experience and afterward to digest what they had been through. It seemed like a deeply profound experience and one that seemed like something I might like to do sometime if I was ready for it.
I have a pretty healthy respect for psychedelic experiences- in the past they have usually held a special spiritual meaning for me, beyond recreation, and I have often wanted to go further, get more from them... chasing one really great experience from years ago with high quality mushrooms that opened my mind to a whole other realm of belonging and understanding. So, yes, it seemed that ayahuasca just might help me get a little closer.
My friends and I had been out partying and drinking that night in a town in the south of Bahia; it was summertime, near the ocean, lots of happy people around. We swung by the plaza and picked up R, an old friend of F, my bf, and N, also friends with R & F. These guys had grown up together, and in general, the people that I had met with F have been open, friendly, safe and honest. I felt okay with these guys, even tho I didn't know them really well. Mind you, my portuguese is okay, but not strong, not a lot of vocabulary, and I get verb forms all messed up, but I can understand a fair amount of what is being said, even if I can't reply in kind. No one of this group speaks english, so I am translating a mile a minute to keep up and stay on top of what is going on. I get the picture that the guys want to drink "cha" - ayahuasca - with R, who has studied the plants for a number of years in an "igreja" (church) but what exactly that means, I still don't know. He has the brew with him; has made it himself.
Understanding that this could be a long and interesting night, and not knowing where it was leading, I told F not to leave me alone, that I needed to feel secure/safe if I were going along with it. I also knew that I could abstain, be the designated driver, and just observe. I was fine with that.
We headed to the beach- in brasil, the beaches have cabanas all along the shore, commercial restaurant/bars, with huts, chairs, tables, etc. that are teeming with people during the day, and locked up quiet and private at night. We'd been at this place during the day- friends work there as waiters and bartenders, so I knew my way around well enough. It seemed okay, though it is not secure, as in you cannot control whether anyone else comes there, to walk the beach or hang out looking at the moon. Open air, and no facilities (bathrooms are locked at night). So that is our setting...
We sat around a table, talking a little, and R poured cups for F, N and himself. The guys asked if I was going to drink, and I said I didn't know, wasn't sure yet. F and N chugged theirs, F 2 cups, and he left to puke. N lay down on his lounge chair waiting I guess. R asked what was on my mind- I explained that I am very sensitive to drugs and reactions, and wanted to make sure I was mentally prepared for what might happen. Brasil has called me many times, 3 times in one year I went there, looking for what I didn't know, and I was still just not sure why. I spent a bit of time thinking, considering my possibilities, and decided to drink only a half cup- just to test the waters... I knew it might not be strongly visual, that it might do nothing, but I would at least know how my body reacted to it.
N asked if I was scared- No, should I be? He puked and entered his other world, F was long gone on the beach around the corner (tho not far) and R went to check on him frequently. He explained that F had drunk many times, that he needed more to get out there and when he did, he went far. So there R and I sat, talking about the proper setting, how normally there would be ceremony, drumming, chanting... but these guys were not into that. Quick and dirty.
After maybe 15- 20 min I could feel a bit of a glow, my blood pressure dropped, I was opening up. I asked R to help me find a place to lie down, much like any other trip... Nice body buzz, feeling connected to the earth, nature, soft and fuzzy- nothing at all like what so many others have described here. I had closed eye visuals of a jungle/nature sort, a dog/guide was with me, we ran and ran through the forest at times... but I kept one foot firmly planted in this reality- I felt I had to. R sang to me, he sang me beautiful songs... "follow the sound of my voice... there is a door... follow me through the door" but I could not get there. I could not "let go". R asked if I needed to purge, that it was okay, that it was good, but I didn't feel it and I couldn't force it. R said I was strong, but I don't know- maybe too closed? No rumbles, but I was too dizzy to stand easily, lying down was much better. I asked about F, wondering if he was okay, and R continued to attend to him and N, while also singing to us. It was nice, it was clean, it was comfortable. I know it was a small dose, and that was just fine.
A couple things happened that really affected me though, and one really brought home "setting". I have described this setting as open air, at night, where anyone could approach us- well, someone did. A man came up and sat with R while I was a few feet away on my lounge, and asked what was up- R explained that we were 'traveling' and he was sitting us. The guy was admiring me, and made a lot of comments about me with strong sexual overtones, but I put up a strong defensive guard energetically, to keep him away. I am a trained martial artist, and quite fit and strong, and figured that I might have to defend myself if he follow his words with action. One foot in reality. When he suggested to R that he would "like to have a sample of (me), that surely I wouldn't even know since I was so high." (there was quite a bit more than this, but I don't want to repeat it now) I responded with a vicious visualization of me attacking him, and ripping his throat out, bloody as all hell. Well R was there in my mind, saw my vision, and warned the guy flat out, "be careful, look out, she'll kill you!" He told the guy to leave, and he did, thankfully.
I was glad I kept one foot here, I was glad that R was there. I wished that we had been in a more secure place so that I could truly travel, truly let go and see what else was out there. But not this time. R stayed with me, singing, and I could feel him in my mind. He could tell when an energy surge was coming on to help me through the door, but I couldn't get there. My guard was up. I enjoyed the visuals, the connection to R and all of everything...
Eventually, I asked R about F, where he was, could I find him? He told me that my "heart" was looking for me, that he needed me, and that all I needed to do was put my feet in the sand and think of him and he would find me. So he sang a nice icaro for us, I put my one foot in the sand, and by golly, I felt him, I felt that connection to him. Within a few minutes, F came running around the corner, buck-assed naked, totally full of himself, shouting "I am so crazy!! Crazy!! I'm in love!!" I started laughing and giggling, threw my arms and legs up in the air and grabbed him- reunited, blended, mixing energies- amazing. We ran together in my mindscape, running and running through the forest, but then we would separate, and F would distract me. But R kept F in check, let him know that he was not to disturb my voyage, no sex allowed, that I was just to be kept safe and warm, and allowed to dream.
I don't know how many hours we were out that night, but it got cold, and we needed to get off the beach. I gave F my wrap to wear, his clothes were missing, and I put him in the car to sleep. N drove us all back to town, dropped of R, and we went to sleep at someone's house. Next day, up and att'em just like usual, to the beach in another city, blissful, sleepy, dreamy day.
A day or so later, we were back in town, and I thanked R for looking out for me. We talked a bit more about what a 'better' experience it could be in a safer setting, a higher dose, etc. and I fully expect that I will look him up next time I'm down that way, hopefully dec or jan...
I made some drawings of what I remembered while still in the afterglow, a way to hold onto the parts that made sense, the parts that settled and satisfied me. They are nice reminders of what can be, first little baby steps with aya, one toe at a time.
So now I am back here in the states, planning another trip to Brasil this winter. What will happen, who knows. Now I just want to get to know the plant; she has come to me in a number of dreams/visions and I am intrigued at the power. Is this who has been calling me? Is this why I am seeking so intently? My mestre of capoeira in Brasil says that many people are called, but not everyone listens. Sometimes we hear the call, but don't act. He says that I have heard the call, I have responded, and now I am acting on my intentions. Another friend says "Really, all you have to do is show up!" (metaphorically, of course)
I'm meditating a bit more now, asking for guidance and protection, getting great mind opening visions and feel that I have a bit more of a sense of direction now. I'm looking forward to microdosing some caapi soon, slowly, here at home, safe and secure with my dog and cosmo kitteh. I'm sure I'll have lots of questions leading up to it, and I'm really glad that you all are here in the Nexus, and that you all speak English! BONUS!