This is rather long, sorry. I don't really have anyone in my life at the moment to confide in about my dmt experiences but am finding it very therapeutic to write them out and post them here, so thanks to the Nexus for that
I vaporized approximately 30mg dmt freebase then approximately 20mg about 10 minutes in for this experience:
Sitting on my bed upright with low light and soft music playing in my room. I took a slow, long hit off the vaporizer until I felt I couldn't physically inhale any longer and got a large warm toke to fill every alveoli. My body soon enveloped in an ecstatic feeling of heat, buzzing and tingling and becoming progressively lighter. The spiraling colors and feelings overtook me with force as my room transformed into an environment wholly symbolic. I lay back to focus on my breath as it was fast becoming the only aspect of myself I was aware of besides my "awareness".
Breathing became orgasmic, soon that faded into a subtle background phenomenon while unbelievably intricate fractals of color danced and played all around me. At some point I realized all I really had left was my awareness, there was no more physical body and at the time I don't think there was even a "remembrance" of the physical body. Just rapidly expanding and disintegrating awareness colored by feelings, all that was left was an ability to observe and focus my consciousness. I gleefully observed the patterned fractals as they roiled and transformed infinitely. After a time I noticed when I focused my awareness at any point of the fractal imagery a little bug like structure would crystallize out of the background minutia and move to the center of my awareness. I was trying to just be mindful and not take anything I was observing too seriously but when I dismissed the structure in this way it would pop back to the center of my awareness like it was not going to be ignored.
I then remembered nexus member accounts of "doorways" and of having to go beyond the veil of the CEV/fractal world in order to breakthrough. I placed all of my focus onto this structure/bug and was chanting "let go, let go, let go" in my mind and the buggy/structure/doorway thing "transmitted" something like..." okay, you asked for it!"
Well goodbye fractal world, hello quasi-dimensional world! Such a rapid transition I was gone gone gone! Just floating in an ocean of transforming multidimensional spaces, and also had the knowledge that I was also all of these transformations, infinite possibilities all becoming possible! I can't even begin to describe the experience in words... just gorgeousness, beauty, infinite possibility. Quantum phenomena unraveling into the infinite dimensions of the macrocosm, saturating the universe with joy and wonder. Again my mind was chanting "let go let go let go" and soon I felt even my awareness begin to unravel. After that I have no good recollection or direct experience in which to find words to define. Just a sense of floating for maybe a very long time in an ocean of bliss, possibility, and unimaginably vast space!
At some point I was back in my body, feeling totally washed clean. I sat up and was strongly compelled to smoke one more dose. "Wanna play?" the world and my entire being was asking me. Of course I obliged... and was soon tripping inside of a trip.
This second one was filled to the brim with imagery and plays on space, color, dimension, and sound. I was not in my body but I knew I could find my breath to anchor myself back if things became too much for my curious little mind. EVERYTHING was hyper spatial, I let go of trying to describe and remember what I was seeing and just focused on what I was feeling and observing.
I was looking down on a kind of school bus or maybe a ferry boat without a roof which was slowly passing from left to right. This vehicle was filled with thousands of bright shiny entities, dancing and swirling in their little seats, little bright round faces painted on with fantastic expressions. I don't even know how to describe them except that they were colorful with hyper-smiles, dressed in a rainbow of glistening plastic garb with intricate flower and pastel details. It was like a party cruise where the party never stopped.
Other entities swirled about the bus on mini carousels, spinning spinning spinning, 4-5 entities per carousel. Some had the look of elaborately painted Russian dolls, others had the slight resemblance of Native American Kachina dolls, others wearing outfits of Celtic origin, others had an ancient Viking sort of appearance. Still others existed as just tufts and plumes of colorful feathers. The closest thing I can describe about the carousel people is they were very doll-like without definite arms or legs, like Lego Duplo characters I played with as a child, but more defined in their dress and expressions as symbolic than the crazy flower fairies in the party bus.
As the party slowly drifted away it left a darker wake, and my mind was trying to reverse the direction of the bus so that it would come back from right to left, I was only able to slow it and something told me the dark part of the voyage was coming, that there can be no joy and light without despair and darkness. As hard as I willed it to come back the party left; there seems to be no conscious control of the hyperspace experience, or at least in the ways I'm able to control the content and environment of a lucid dream.
So I focused on just letting go of the party as it slowly drifted away from me and a slow, new wave of imagery enveloped me. It was all shadowy and visceral. Deep reds, fleshy pinks and browns were the primary colors here. Glistening, almost obscene fleshy looking entities trickled in and the multi-dimensional shadows these entities inhabited was somehow about contrasts and contradictions (?). The entities were thousands of pieces of viscera, like internal organs and flesh ripped from whatever body they came from, each piece seemingly an individual. Heart-like beings with arteries and veins attached moving like limbs, kidney-bodied beings, pieces of animal body beings, chunks of muscled flesh and fur beings... All slowly drifting by in hyper detail like they were rising up from some unseen dark shadow-matter, and I could choose to focus on any of these beings. When I did it would approach and I could see they were very much multidimensional and seemed to have varying personalities of sorts. If they became of aware of my focus they would communicate a longing for my attention and would try to trap me within different facets of their transforming, wet bodies. Aspects of flesh became open bleeding mouths in grotesque configurations of longing and parody. It felt like I was observing these things forever! The space just seemed so vast like there was nowhere to really go. I definitely had the sense of not particularly wanting to be here too long and that one could go completely mad in this realm.
I made an effort not to freak out and again chanted "let go let go let go". I was able to get back to a sort of a detached observational frame of mind, as the second I would consciously attempt to reel from these entities they would quickly draw nearer and want my attention. I remember thinking, okay, so I'm here for eternity might as well let be and look and explore as it seems I'm trying to be shown something here.
I soon was in the presence of this giant "hulk" of nonsensical flesh and organs which I realized was the source of all these smaller pieces of flesh entities. It was a being itself and didn't seem all that interested in my presence but it knew I was there. Chunks of red, pale pink, and white fleshiness were slowly sloughing off of it while it "swam" slowly in space like a sleepy whale. Every part of it seemed to be transforming, moving from inside to out and from outside to in like biological machinery. I got the sense of "heaviness" and "density" and that heaviness seemed to saturate my consciousness. A feeling of undiluted sadness and apathy, but also something deeper and more profound... love or the proposition of love (?) I think it was gifting me with a very personal insight, and a question. There was a sense of industry of this mass of flesh, like this was the essence of industrial meat processing in all of its blatantly reviled glory. No defined structure or point to its existence, it was just the transforming and processing of flesh like that was it's only real function. The most epic manifestation of my own personal disgust and fears.
After what seemed like eons of observing the strange fleshy phenomena I was able to follow the long twisting trail of my breath back to my body. I sat up and everything was just totally off, like I was super sober and nothing would be the same. I sat in my comfy green chair and meditated on the feelings of the experience until I felt myself again.
"If you're frightened of dying, and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. If you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth" Jacob's Ladder