Greeting you all hyperspatial travellers! I've been reading nexus for so-long-time, never actually meant to share my dmt experiences here, but now i think the time has come.
First of all, I want to share with you my story of who am i. I am male, 22 years old, live in Russia. First i started using psychedelics when i was 19, which had a very controversial impact on my life. Before i tell my history of using sacred substances, I want to clarify some facts: i suffer from endogenous depression (diagnosed with professional pshychiatrist) since age of 14-15 years. In past i drank a lots of alcohol, and i smoke cigarettes on a daily basis up-to-date. On one hand, when i discovered psychedelics, it really helped me to stop drinking booze, so now i don't enjoy alcohol, even though i like to pass a bottle of cold beer sometimes. That's definetly a miracle, 'cause i was just an acloholic with no higher purpose whatsoever, too weak to face reality sober, even though i was really happy at those times, social and full of energy, but addicted as fuck. As of now, analyzing past, i'd say that I was an ebsarrasing drunk.
At age of 19 I started using dxm pretty heavily (twice a week high plateus dosage). This honeymoon lasted about half a year, and ended at the time i first tried DOB. I was flattered about what DOB showed me. Like Bill Hicks said, i felt like "realizing how you've been fucked all the past years". So I lost interest in booze or dxm, and started to feel really curious about psychedelics (though still used dxm from time to-time, and booze still was on my list, just now it was not so desireable)
Since that moment my picture of world that i knew began to slowly shatter. My purpose was only to figure out - what is life, inner and outer worlds, universe itself. I wanted to figure out how it all woks, and was enthusiastic as hell.
At age of 20 i obtained lots of mimosa and harmala (about 2,5 kilos). first experience with combination of above was magical. disney-catoon magical. Euphoric and shallow, but warm and clean emotionally.
Then i started extractions via fumarate. And that's where the insanity starts. I knew i had to breakthrough, it was my goal #1 to achieve. My first experience with extracted DMT was a pure disaster. Influenced with my first magical harmala-mimosa trip, I extracted too much dmt (it was in liquid form and there was no way to measure it out).. Instead of harmala I used PIRLINDOLE MAOI-B (and continued using it futher with my oral dmt-experiences). I triped with a friend of mine, and i experienced something that did not expect. Pure chaotic fractal salad of everything i knew, it was the most scariest experience of my life. OEV and CEV were abslutely same, senses, negative emotions, memories, dark thoughts, future past and present times - all are totally mixed up. i remember thinking of suicide (jump of of window) - just to make it all stop, so i begged all trip for living.
And then the abuse started. I was not satisfied with what i got with my last trip. I took dmt almost everyday. And got the same results. Feeling of dying, clinging to my ego, and loosing myself in multidementional fractal chaos. I never experienced a stunning visuals on dmt whatsoever (at the time i obtained a lots of 2c-e, and was tripping often on it, so i can compare two - dmt was inferior and visually dull comparing to 2c-e), just feeling of insanity, dying and then after peak of trip subside - onenes with universe, which is god, which is me and which is everything and nothing.
And so i had almost over 100 trips. Different oral dosages - ranging from 150 to 1600 mg of BLAB full-range mimosa fumarate alcaloids. No breakthrough. The message was clear - get the fuck out of here and get deal with your life. But at the moment i really lacked a level of awareness. I tried smoking DMT through glass VG, even once i extracted and recrystallized really clean DMT, converted to fumarate and IV it. It's all was same. Dull chrisantemum patterns, huge amount of fear and disaster, fractalizing every pattern of perception, multidimentional info overload. That's it.
I've met entities twice of all over-100-trips. Once i was laying on the couch in my room, tripping hard, when suddenly all walls, objects and my body became half transparent, and multidimentional space appeared, where one male-looking entity dressed like hip-hop dancer appeared, looking at me with confusion and incomprehension (like what the FUCK is this moron doing here, doesn't he get that this place it's not where he supposed to be?). And the second one I've met entities - full closed eyes experience (the only one where i was in a REAL positive mood - i was hanging out with friends of mine smoking mj and drinking beer, - we were laughing, joking around and felt GREAT, in other words - set and setting were just perfect, though it was on alcohol - which is for sure not reccomended). They did not sent any message, but it was clear that all those amazing morphing and everchanging shapes i saw were alive and aware, and i was just constructing them with random sprites i had in my mind. Nothing powerful or meaningful, though, but still it was WAY that different from all my experiences.
By the time, at the age of 21 I became a regular mj addict (and synthetic cannabinoids from time after time). I still smoke mj everyday by now. So i stopped using DMT, i finally got that I need to change things in my life before i may enter hyperspace. I sticked to 2c-e, tripping once a month. Somehow, 2c-e and mj showed me alot about my past, and how it affects my present. I tried psychotherapy and for 4 months was eating prozac (it did not help, whatsoever).
And so, since that moment my life began to shatter pretty quickly. I burned a lot of bridges. I quit studiyng the universtity (which i hated since i started educating there, basically just because my parents forced me to go there), i broke most of my relationships (both good or bad), and now i am completely alone. though i have a complete plan and clean picture of what i want to achieve in life in details and structure, i feel comlpetely burned-out and powerless. all i have now is emotions about my past i need to get deal with and move further.
Does anyone experienced such kind of relationship with DMT? Or similar whatsoever? I still want to reach hyperspace, just now i know it's not the right time. I'd love to hear any advices on that subject, if anyone axperience something close to my situation.
Peace and Love, Brothers and Sisters